How did you feel

[Shaishai]

So, after (detail removed by Moderator) of blaming myself and feeling like I’m the most horrible person ever, I’m starting to accept this is not true.

I don’t quite know how to feel. I always blamed myself for not leaving. I could be angry at myself and that made it easier to cope with at first. This led to a long downward spiral of alcohol abuse and self harm. In reality, not the best way to cope. After (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of therapy, I finally realised I am not to blame and didn’t deserve it.

I thought I would feel relieved or something but I just feel numb and confused. It’s almost harder to cope with knowing I could not stop it and that I had my innocence stolen from me. I’m so angry at him. I want to punch something, scream and cry uncontrollably. But I can’t, I haven’t cried over this the whole time I’ve been sober. Why can’t I?

If you have got this far then thank you for staying with me. How did you cope with it? Looking for tips and information please.

[Shaishai]

Thank you Auriel.
I just don’t know how I will feel once this numbness wears off. I’m scared I will end up going through similar stages to grief as I only have 1 more session of therapy left. This leaves me on my own to deal with it again. I don’t know how to process this new realisation.

[Bananaboat]

I can totally relate to the numbness, I feel like I should be crying but I’m also relieved, I’m angry but know it won’t change anything, and happy to have some peace – messy, but I don’t know maybe they all cancel each other out.x

[Shaishai]

That sounds like a rollercoaster of emotions. Hope you are OK. It’s so hard to process it all. I hope one day I will be able to just accept what happened and move on. Not sure that day will ever come though x

[nbumblebee]

Oh lovely lady I get you.
Self harm, self blame eating problems health problems I just feel pants all the time.
Its getting worse the more i see the more i understand the more i try and fight him for a life of my own as well as still living with him the worse it all gets.
I get stronger but so does he and it gets harder and harder but i am determined i want to believe i deserve more i deserve a better life. Im angry im still here very angry but i never ever cry either. Nothing is normal but nothing is abnormal either, you say you have no counselling left could you continue? Could you go to meetings maybe ask your gp for help? I dont think you should go it alone you dont have too sweetie theres help out there the more support you can get the better for you. Xxxxxxx

[Author]

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