Hi Ariel,
It’s totally normal that you’re feeling this way. You describe perfectly about his comfort making you melt into him and craving that. This can be such a key part of the abuse dynamic, he is the one causing you distress but has also made himself the one that you go to for comfort. It can be so hard to break that cycle of wanting his comfort while he is continuing to hurt you.
It’s okay not to feel ready to leave, you are on the path towards it with the things you’re thinking and asking, but it can take time. You can get support from your local domestic abuse service even when you’re not ready to make plans to leave, and that could help you start to work through these feelings.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa