How did you stay close to your truth?

[BeautyMarked]

I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask this, and I’m trying to keep it general.

I’ve not had a great experience of reporting my experience. I feel like a nuisance and worry I’m not being taken seriously or believed which is hard enough when I’m already so full of self-doubt. I don’t have any experience of dealing with police and feel completely lost. All I know is that I haven’t as far as I’m concerned given a comprehensive statement as I went in in a complete state of shock unaware that the onus was on me to hand over proof and to say everything that needed to be said. Now I’m battling to be heard and may not succeed simply because I’m clueless and I haven’t perhaps acted like a perfect victim or expressed myself well or I hadn’t fully processed what happened. Or maybe I have just been unlucky. Who knows. I haven’t got a clue how to handle this.

Would anyone be prepared to share with me your experiences (here or in a PM), whether they were similar and you didn’t feel believed and had to fight or whether you were taken seriously. How did you handle that or did you feel well supported? I wish I still had my support but the uni have taken it away so am just fumbling about. I perhaps naively assumed that any crime that is reported gets investigated but apparently not. I’m struggling to understand what I’ve done wrong and whether I should even be so focussed on getting justice based on the response I’ve been getting. I feel humiliated tbh.

[diymum@1]

this is very early days for you;it might be best to have someeone to help you advocate. my understanding is the police know that women can feel paralysed when it comes to relaying all off this informatio. my approach at your stage was to write it down for them. i never got a any convictions because this was (detail removed by moderator) ago. he was held in the cell overnight (detail removed by moderator) times and released with absolute discharge – but he now has abusive and threatening behaviour marked on his dbs. so now things are changing and the understanding is getting better and you havea lot off knowledge behind you and savvy. what sort of abuse can yu name to them firstly. so for me is say coersive control – threats – harassment stalking – entrapment and physical abuse four times he also broke in to my house xx

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks DM x

I’ve said I’m not happy and have looked at CPS on CC. Perhaps writing it down using that as a guide is the best way to approach.
I didn’t know the onus was on the victim to gather evidence and build the case. If I’d known I would have been more prepared before actually reporting. I just assumed someone would ask what I had.
I’m still looking into what support I can get to help advocate as I’ve just been abandoned.
I didn’t know it at the time but I’m pretty sure now that pressure to abort/reproductive coercion is sexual abuse. I didn’t realise that if I didn’t initially report it in that way (I didn’t even know about CC and certainly didn’t have the language that I know now to explain it) or the other assaults I’d suffered that I would be made to feel like I’m a liar or that I’ve changed my story.
I also can’t see anything about there being a specific time period for CC. I have examples of many of the things of the list and more. I didn’t think it the role of the police to decide on the merit of a case as I thought that was the job of CPS. Perhaps I’m wrong though. I’m very confused. But I don’t think it’s good enough and I don’t think that just because they’ve (detail removed by moderator)that it shouldn’t still be investigated. I’m just shocked at the whole thing.

[diymum@1]

it will be passed to the CPS – id think. its getting the right advocate to back you isnt it. i also think they thake us more seriously when they see the length we have gone to get justice. in my opinion unless we put on a strong bravado they dont take our vesion off events as seriously. that was what i felt in family court anyway. so i took prozac and i as like a robot but it did enable me to switchboff so i could weigh it all up. its best to keep the emotions we feel out off this. i know its raw. but in the hard and true light off day all the cps wants is fact – backed up fact by professionals and proof he has broken the law and he has xxxx

[BeautyMarked]

I don’t get the whole no emotion thing. I know they want facts, but I can’t understand why people don’t take the emotions seriously. Abuse comes with some pretty intense emotions so surely that’s just more evidence! I just don’t get it. I hope it will be but I don’t know since I can’t even get them to look and pass it on. I feel any investigation now is just going to be tokenistic. I’ve lost confidence.

[diymum@1]

its because they dont reall undestand because theyve had no experience themselves so its different just learning this in a classroom. this is only my experience and i know this in my job they dont want a response fuelled from emotion because that might be seen to be revenge. thats my take on it – i know this isnt the case in your case but they will see this they are weighing up what they see is truth so the y are going to consider a rational poit off view rather than an emotional one. i know its rubbish but remember the courts and the cps become accustommed to this. in my job i see this professionals become hardened i know thats not right but unfortunately human beings adapt to protect themselves xx

[diymum@1]

the therapiszt and dr will show on paper how this has affected you holistically – emotionally xx its better and more factual that way xx

[KIP.]

It depends on what officer you get. I had a great officer who came to my home and we started at the beginning of the relationship and she took a full statement. Then she went away and spoke to her colleagues/senior officer and they worked out what crimes had been committed. They then passed it to the relevant department (sexual offences) who came out and took a further statement. For the original police visit I had written my own statement as I was traumatised and clueless and didn’t understand what was rape and what was right and wrong and what was consensual, I was so brainwashed. Trapping someone in a room until they agree to have sex is definitely a bad thing but it had become my normal. I remember saying to thee officer, I don’t know if that’s allowed or not. I was so brainwashed and he replied, I think you do! Well no I didn’t. Rape crisis or victim support have Advocates for this kind of thing. I think you should write your story and contact them for support. Was your MP any help?

[BeautyMarked]

Makes sense.

Wow KIP, I wish it had been like that with me. I wish I could have new people who didn’t trivialise what has happened to me. I feel horrible because they just see him as a ‘k**b’ and a ‘d**k’. I feel completely minimised by them. Perhaps it was because I was emotional and I don’t express myself well when emotional. I was so scared too. I also said I’m confused about certain aspects but I just feel judged.

The MP was brilliant and I have their full support for any and all of it. I was really taken by how supportive they are. (detail removed by moderator). I just wish I could have a new and more understanding person. Even the DV officer trivialised it all. There’s no time limit for CC and I think the fact they’ve only had one conviction points towards many problems, and not all of them due to the CPS.

[KIP.]

Once your MP writes to the police I’d hope a senior officer or at least an experienced one will visit you and go through your statement. Do you mean there is no time limit for reporting coercive control? It that what the police told you?

[BeautyMarked]

(detail removed by moderator). The problem is I’m guessing neither one of them will be well versed in domestic violence and coercive control. I’m expecting to hear back before my MP will have a chance to draft a letter, but I wanted to try one more time. However, I fear that once again I’ve messed up and I should have waited for the MP to handle it.
The domestic violence officer that told me (detail removed by moderator). I looked up CC on the CPS site and I don’t see anything about a specific duration of a relationship, it just talks of intimate relationship which it was, I mean I was pregnant after all! (detail removed by moderator). I said it was (detail removed by moderator), but I guess that may not be enough and could be taken in different ways. Honestly, how can anyone have enough evidence if this is what people are being told.

[BeautyMarked]

I also don’t live anywhere near the area in which I reported so I guess it adds an extra layer of complexity. The MP is brilliant and I’m annoyed at myself for not waiting as I fear I’m just going to get fobbed off again but by a more senior person. I don’t want to make a name for myself. I just want a proper investigation. I want them to look at and take my evidence seriously and question the guy. Why is it up to victims to take on the job that the police should be doing? I get it’s difficult to prove, but how can anyone realistically get anywhere close to a conviction then. I find the law on CC baffling. It doesn’t seem worth bringing in. It makes us look like a leading light in this type of abuse but in reality it’s failing. And I don’t understand why.

[AlwaysSorry]

I think the biggest difference for me was finding this forum. To have all these women who I didn’t know believe me, I was in shock. My jaw literally dropped after I saw the responses to my first post. At that point in my life, “mutual” friends were siding with my ex, I was terrified of the police, I was terrified he’d come back and kill me, I had to battle to get just one victim support worker I would be allowed to talk to, refuges were refusing to take me because of the situation, councils were refusing to help me because of the situation, my job told me I could either quit or be fired as they could not let me work in the state I was in, I just felt anywhere I turned I was met with scepticism and more blame. It took a while for me to post on here because I was so scared, I just could not bear if one more person turned their back on me or doubted me. But instead my jaw dropped at the kindness and compassion these women showed me, a complete stranger to them. And whenever I posted anything, they were there to help, validate, advice. They got me from the place where I was close to curling up and disappearing to someone who now knows that what happened to me was wrong and I didn’t cause it. I have moments of doubt creeping in every now and again, but it’s such a big difference from doubting myself all the time. The women on here understand what it means to support someone, whether they wish to just walk away or to keep on fighting, and for that I am eternally grateful. One of the tips I got is to write down 3 things I am grateful for every day. The ladies on this forum get mentioned A LOT.

I’m so pleased you have the backing of your MP and truly hope this will provide you with a senior / more experienced officer who will come in open-minded and ask you the right questions. xx

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks for sharing AS x

You’re right. I don’t know what I would do without this forum either. This is one of the only places I feel believed. I can’t understand why we have a law that just cannot be enforced and acted upon in a meaningful way and handled by a system that is not equipped to deal with the things we’ve been through. I just hope for an understanding person. There must be some, but if even those in the DV unit are calling him a d**k, what hope do I have.

[KIP.]

The officer who made those comments Should be reprimanded. How very unprofessional of them. Imagine going in to report a crime and that is the language they use. I’d be very angry. They sound not only unprofessional but extremely immature too. Make sure you comment on this too x

[BeautyMarked]

I know it’s terrible isn’t it. Two separate people said this to me. One of them in the DV team! The problem is if they do t think it’s a crime then it really knocks me back and makes me wonder how I can even get through. I wonder if it’s possible to ask for new and less judgemental officers?

[Anonymous]

My experience has been like KIP’s. Some officers were great, some shockingly bad and its hard to talk to someone you feel has no understanding of what you are trying to say.

[BeautyMarked]

Indeed. It’s put me off in many ways. It just seems too hard. In other ways it makes me more determined. Can’t help thinking it’s futile if I’m trying to explain what’s happened and they just come back at me with scepticism and so-called reasons why there’s no offence or why they can’t investigate. It does make me wonder about what’s happened to me.

[diymum@1]

i feel personally – if you keep going ,be pragmatic your tenacity will get you to the right people eventually. this is how it was for me. i wasnt believed i was told not enough evidence (for custody) but i kept building my evidence through the doctors opinion and the therapists. i feel like im saying on one had keep your emotions out off your statments but when you go to see anyone professional make sure its symptoms you report and its all down to him. so anxiety – ptsd – the loss off your baby a great loss off self is part off cc and its definition. keep going i definitely met some great people who did believe me. it took time it took me 5 years but i was believe in the end xxxx

[BeautyMarked]

It seems I’m in full self-destruct mode. He is keeping his dignified silence and getting on with his life whilst I’m in great pain, trying to fight to be heard. I have now done something really stupid. I am so ashamed that I’m not even going to write it here, but suffice it to say it is extremely stupid and unthinking. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to get out of it. I feel I keep sabotaging myself. I can’t keep fighting. He’s definitely going to come out looking like the good one so I think I need to stop all this. I’m travelling down a foolish and dangerous path because I can’t get over it. I may as well just continue. I will not get the justice I seek and I’ve lost all control out of grief. I’m fed up with the counselling and the ‘do something nice for yourself’ advice that it seems common to tell those who have suffered abuse. I don’t care for any of it. I just want things back to the way they were and wish I’d just put up with his behaviour. I want to go back to that. More than anything I want to go back. I have to speak with him and my desperation is leading me to undermine any case I may have had. Not that I have one. I’m expecting to hear back once again from the police and I’m sure they’re going to tell me no again. Taking on a (detail removed by moderator) doesn’t seem worth it. At most he’ll be told to take his sexual posts down. He’ll be able to carry on when I think he should be kicked out. I’ll just end up the loser as always.

[KIP.]

There is nothing dignified in his silence. It’s designed to upset you and discredit you. But you know the truth. Your head isn’t in the right place just now. If you could only step back for a while and reassess. Take time to heal and to gather your strength to hold him accountable. Doing nothing meantime really is an option you have. Stop to think of the reality if you actually met up with him. It’s only the horrible nasty man that you would see. The one that simply wants to hurt you more, ignore you more, punish you more. As human beings we crave what feels normal to us, maybe you crave that normal of abuse that you felt comfortable with. But that normal is dangerous and dysfunctional and you need to override the part of your brain that craves that trauma bond. Keep posting before you do anything. Get your thoughts out on here. It can become obsessive and intrusive if you don’t talk about how you’re feeling.

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks KIP x

You have such a great way of putting it. Nothing is an option. It was always the option I wanted least and I suppose my attention and urgency to all this is to try and get myself unstuck and validated. And yet I’m finding it hard to progress because I still have feelings for him. I could have put my complaint in at least by now, but I haven’t partly because it needs to be done thoroughly to stand a chance of success and partly because I know I will close the door forever. I’m sure that if I did see him I’d find it difficult to see past what he’s done now. Thank you for your reassurance x

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