How do I accept my feelings

[Spiritwalker]

Hello…
I have been separated from my partner for a few months now and every day is an ongoing battle to make sense of what I experienced. What WE experienced. I have days of total numbness mixed with days and moments if finally feeling ok.
We hadn’t been together long but long enough to have a daughter together. She is my heart and soul. He also had two existing children before I moved in and another (removed by moderator) after ours (removed by moderator).
A lot had gone on in the tone we were together…a lot. Where to even begin?
To start, (removed by moderator) I made the choice to finally leave my reason was this…we were all in the living room together. Kids, babies, mommas and him. His (removed by moderator) year old was being rambunctious about a diaper change. His (removed by moderator) year old was just sitting (removed by moderator). An instant panic came over me and our baby started crying. I had to go upstairs. He was lecturing the kids a bit. Telling them to quit misbehaving…sounds fairly mild but this wasnt the first time or the worst time. That’s why I panicked. He wasn’t always aggressive but when he was it often went over the line. Otherwise he was an attentive father.
In short I’ll make a list of experiences I guess.
First, right before the above incident I found I was pregnant again. Our daughter was (removed by moderator) at that time. I got pregnant because (removed by moderator). I had a birth control perscription at the pharmacy but I never filled it because when I told him about it he asked why I needed it because it’s only for promiscuous girls who sleep around…
With the kids…I was over protective of our baby because a couple times in his care i walked in to help after hearing her inconsolably screaming and (removed by moderator). In these moments I made him give her back to me. She developed an eating aversion quickly…I’d spend my days just trying to get her to like her bottle again. He never acknowledged it was his fault.
With his (removed by moderator) year old…nights spent yelling at her because she woke up crying with her mom abs wouldn’t calm down. Her mom would explain she had a nightmare but he wouldn’t listen. (removed by moderator) And sometimes though rarely use name calling. He would criticize her mother for not knowing how to take proper care of her followed by mornings and days of long talks about her poor parenting skills. He once told her shed be better off giving them to cps.
He also spanked his (removed by moderator) year old. (removed by moderator).
My expartner always showed remorse after the outbursts but they didn’t stop…it’s just no one every knew when something would be enough to cause one.
Their mother suffers (removed by moderator).
But my ex partner (her husband) always criticized her parenting but if you ask me, she is an EXCELLENT mother. Loving, tender, always kind. He’d be bitter for always having to be the disciplinarian.
With him and I…so much emotionally as well as his intimidation tactics (removed by moderator) but none of it mattered the weekend I left. It matters now but wasnt in my mind then aside from him tripping that day the incident that triggered my leaving happened. I went up stairs with our baby to put her to sleep but was welling with anxiety. I put her down on the bed and sat on the edge and screamed into my hands “I cant take this anymore!” (removed by moderator). I retrieved our daughter and he proceeded to yell at me for yelling at her only I wasnt.
I told him later I had to go away for a while. I felt crazy and needed to clear my head..get a break. (Removed by moderator) (inside I’m think9ng I can’t deal with this anymore. I cave every let him hurt our baby) (removed by moderator)
He has since told me I’m overreacting. Paranoid.
He told friends and family I left because I was depressed and he also suspected that I had been out drinking and dating a guy and that’s how I got pregnant again. That never happened. I only even left the house short stints with my daughter…he was suspicious about my pregnancy from day one (removed by moderator).
I always felt bad for him…I genuinely wanted him to get help for himself. To get better but he said it’s all just life with kids…
Theres details left out but there was a lot…
His voice is in my mind telling me I’m doing the wrong thing. I broke up the family when I left. I’m blowing it all out of proprtion… I’m crazy.
Sorry for the length… honestly, that’s the nutshl.

[Spiritwalker]

I must add…
Everything in between was trips out with the kids. Morning walks. Trips to the park, to Wendy’s fir frosties, frozen yogurt, movie time…he slept with them in their room so we could care for the babies. He took them put to relieve our stress (we actually hacked all (removed by moderator) kids just fine, us ladies)…trips to the buffet. He bought them toys basically every day and if not toys, treats. He didn’t play with them much but enough I think for a dad.

[Spiritwalker]

And when I said “bullet point instances” I meant the list of things that he had done

[fizzylem]

Hi SW, what you have described is a typical response to living with an abusive man; the ‘crazy making’. His crazy making behaviour leaves us feeling crazy and self doubt. It’s not until you get out and things are different for a while, when you’re in a safe, calm, stress free place, that we start to make sense of things and what exactly happened.

Like you, the week I left and decided enough was enough was when I felt like I was starting to go mad – losing my mind, I simply couldnt risk being in his company when feeling this way, as I also knew he would attack me for feeling this way if he found out, use it against me, exploit me. Best decision I ever made!

They mess with our minds – are master manipulators that intentionally pull us one way and another – so that we stay. It’s better not to think on one side he was dreadful and on the other side he was an attentive father as this is you trying to redress the balance, which doesnt help here, telling yourself he was a good man sometimes, he wasn’t all bad – this only leads to you going around and around in your mind. Rather, I would suggest you focus on recognising the abusive behaviour, the patterns in his behaviour that were horrid as this will lead you to realsing and accepting it was abuse.

I felt some reluctance to do this for a while, and I think others do too, because it is a hard pill to swallow viewing yourself as a victim, abused and exploited mercilessly – but, it is also needed and part of the awakening process x

[Spiritwalker]

Frizzlem
The fact that you can describe exactly how it felt and still feels without even much of the detail of the manipulations, “hard talks” as he called them, and fights let’s me know I’m definitely not alone.
It’s a hard pill to swallow indeed…especially when the abusive person wont admit it, calls it normal, refuses to get proper help and insists I am wrong.
I know deep down that I need to accept this. When I talk about it, it helps.
Thank you for replying.

[fizzylem]

He’ll never admitt it so forget hoping for an apology – you dont need it anyway. Try to put to one side his voice, the things he said, he was persausive, trying to control you to get his needs met and he knew where to hit you where it hurts, which leaves us with self doubt. They play on our vulnerabilties, so if I said one day I feel like I’m failing as a mother, the next time he was angry he would throw something at me like, see you already know you’re a terrible mother, you said so only the other day and here you are now doing this, you’re right you’re a dreadful mother – it’s awful, leaves you really questioning and sometimes believing.

You’re out now, feel how you do and try to work out why this is – you have your truth now to find – how it really was for you. He tried to silence you, squash you, keep you in the dark, but you have your own voice now without his constant chatter -finding your truth is v powerful and healing x

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