how do I break the chain???

[bella dee]

Hi, Ive been trying to get out of my abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years now, every time i get the strength to say that this is the last time he will ever put his hands on me….i always go back….Ive got the support of an IDVA who is a blessing….she is trying to help me see that the life i have been living and the way he has been treating me is not normal….The last incident took place (detail removed by Moderator)….we went out for dinner and had booked (detail removed by Moderator) for the weekend….when we got home he switched and subjected me to hours of verbal and mental torture, i eventually managed to get out of the house .. he started chasing me, kicking the backs of my legs so i would fall, punch after punch came (always to the back of the head..he would always laugh then say prove it) luckily my neighbours witnessed this and started shouting at him to get off me… He is currently on the run from the police and this time there are independent witnesses who have given statements…so im hoping and praying that this time really will be the last time…..what im fighting now is myself….i feel like i need to know WHY? i feel like i need to make sure he is ok…. Ive read so much (detail removed by Moderator)…my IDVA and the police have said he is a physcopath…(hes told me on numerous occasions that he is going to kill me, hes told me where and how he will do it too)… BUT STILL….I cant see or believe that the man who can be so loving and everything you wish for in a man is also this monster….I KNOW the way he treats me is vile….but i dont yet believe it…..does anyone have any tips or advice on how I can get out of this way of thinking??
xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi bella dee,

Hi and welcome to the Forum. You have done the right thing by posting on here. Continue to post and read the posts. That was how my thinking changed. It is one of the hardest things to break free from an abusive relationship. We have a lot of things to battle so be very gentle with yourself. We have to withstand their manipulation to keep us in the relationship or to get us back in. Abusers are seasoned liars and know how to charm and subtly coerce. You can’t see through their manipulative tactics on your own that’s why this Forum is a God-send. Keep coming on here. We are also trauma-bonded to these abusers. That makes it hard to stay away. Also I had to change my thinking on my religious beliefs that were ingrained in me like marriage was for life etc.

Your thinking will change believe me. Knowledge is Power.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Harsh reality is he will kill u or hurt u really badly, mine used to beat me up and verbally tortue me too then expect hug after and to fall asleep with him, as much as those hugs infuse anger me and i was reluctant to give, can u believe i became hook on to the f hugs as the warmth even though i was trap and forced in his grip, the hugs gave me comfort indirectly as i felt safe. At the time i didnt get none of this , its taken me years of recovery to process it all, i was same , cant leave him, hated him for what he put me through , how will he cope, i became dependant on him yet i was supporting him, they become a drug, i was desperate to leave but couldn’t, and u know what my wake up call was he tried to killl me , that night my head was totally messed and i still stayed as went in to trauma shock and forgot everything but kept getting triggers , after that he kept saying he’d me within 3 months and did i get the beatings of my life, i think been kick in face, ears and ribs and unable to breath shook me proper , more then the actually killing attempt, evern though that mess my had mentally and emotionally if that makes sense. Knowing he was going to really kill me and not just beat me up, shook me and been told there was no choice, if i ddint leave and take action i would be dead. After when i finally left, i was still ripped apart as i was so confused and upset my marriage was over and i failed it, i didnt recognise he failed the marriage, i just so myself as a failure. Having no contact and getting cousellign made me realise the extent of abuse i had suffered . YOu have to go no contact as they will get so ruthless to an extent u can not imagine, i couldnt accept he didnt love me cause he told me he loved me even though he beat me, reality is that is not love when they hurt us and i had to train my brain to accept that was not love , people asked me what can he offer u , i thought nothing but still hooked, its like we become drug addict, never thought id have to wean myself of a guy. keep away, get non mol issued and listen to your support worker, physcopaths are well dangerous, read upon abuse and u will understand its not u alone experiencing this even thought at time we think no one else could of experienced this hell . IT took me (detail removed by Moderator) decades to escape, im so greatful i got out and would never ever go back

[Lisa]

Hello bella dee,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

I am sorry to hear of what you have been through because of your ex-partner. As you have said, he sounds very dangerous. It is great to hear you have the support of your IDVA and the police. Lean on them for support and believe that you do not deserve to be treated in an abusive way from anyone. He is not your responsibility to ensure he is ok as he is the only person who has caused the abuse and he is the only person who can take responsibility for his behaviour. Unfortunately he is not going to change and there is a high risk his abuse will escalate. Can you go no contact to free yourself of him? If you are in contact with him then he is causing a whirlwind of emotions which makes it difficult to break free.

Be kind to yourself- you must be exhausted from him and the abuse. Give yourself time to recover from what you have been through and time away from him to think clearly.

Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to offload on here to others who understand what you are going through.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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