How do I do it?

[April2023]

I’ve been thinking about ending things for a long time, but fears over a toxic family member always stopped me (the person would be very much more present in my kids lives if I split with their father). But things have got so bad now that over the last month I’ve been coming to the same conclusion time and again that I just can’t wait for the situation with them to change.

So I think I will probably make the leap over the summer. We have a family holiday booked soon and I don’t see me having the courage to end it before that, and then it’s (detail removed by Moderator). Although how I will cope with (detail removed by Moderator) focus on just us I don’t know 😔 a big part of me wants to do it before we go away so we can cancel it rather than waste thousands, but then that gives me just a few weeks to do it and I don’t know if I’m mentally prepared enough. Plus the kids will be gutted at not going away.

As for leaving, I wondered what my best options are?
I’m the primary caregiver, and he works (detail removed by Moderator). We are married and have a joint mortgage. I worry if I tell him we are over, he won’t agree to leave the family home so I will have to take the kids (if he will let me) and move into my mums. But I worry if I leave the home, that he may have more of a claim to stay in it than me? But with aspects of abuse I’ve also been told it’s safer for me to leave so when (not if) he escalates I’m less vulnerable.

And long term how do we even start to go about sorting things out? I assume anything with the courts for custody etc will take months to get heard?

[Camel]

You’re right to protect yourself from escalating abuse but it’s not safe to argue over who has the kids and the house. If you’re at all worried that he’ll get violent then you can’t let him know your plans. Cancelling the holiday is giving him notice too. You probably won’t get the money back anyway, cancelling so close to departure.

Accept that you’ll have to find somewhere to live, then plan a safe exit. Don’t leave without your children with the expectation of getting them later. Once you’ve left you can deal with issues like divorce and the division of assets, including the house.

He won’t have a better claim just because he’s living there, but you may need to keep up your share of the mortgage even if you’ve moved out. Take copies of all financial documents, deeds, bank and credit card statements, bills etc. Don’t ignore any bills in your name. If you have access to cash, put it in a new account. (detail removed by Moderator) If you have no income you’ll need to claim benefits.

Basically, somewhere safe to go to first, then legal and financial advice.

[Eggshells]

That’s really good advice from Camel.

Solicitors will often advise you to stay in the house but this advice should not be given to people leaving an abusive relationship – it’s dangerous. Once you have moved out, you will loose control of marketing and selling the house but with an abusive partner, you will loose that control regardless of whether you are in the house or not.

If any household bills are in your name you can ring your provider and explain that you have left the property and say why. They’ll cancel your account with them and set up a new one in his name so you’re not liable for his bills.

I am concerned that leaving him will expose you to a toxic family member. Please call WA or your local domestic abuse charity for help and advice aboit leaving. They might be able to help you find suitable accommodation that won’t expose you to further abuse from a different source.

[April2023]

Thanks both. Ive already scanned copies of our house deeds, passports, kept a copy of my marriage certificate and the kids birth certificates and copies of our latest house bill statement just incase. There is an emergency bag at my mum’s too.

I don’t ‘think’ he will get violent but I imagine some severe mood swings. He won’t be expecting it. I guess I’ve been waiting for his latest rage mood but he’s not had one in a few weeks which is a bit disconcerting. We’ve had silences etc but nothing dramatic where I could use it as the excuse to go.

As for the holiday, I think I need to end it all before the holiday or do it after and not say anything before. But I’m worried about being abroad with two young kids in a foreign country and with him 24 7 for a long time. He’s already testing me in some ways so I know he has picked up a shift in me, and I worry that he will escalate that on holiday and then use my refusal to engage or comply to demand answers or reassurance that I know I won’t be able to give. And then I worry about his reaction to that.

We have a 21 day cooling off period before the holiday, so I still have a few weeks left that we could cancel and not pay, but I don’t know if I’m ready to literally walk out the door and my life as it is with the kids. I’m also scared about raising any talk of DA as I know he will take the suggestion very badly. So im probably naive in hoping that we might just be able to split up like a normal couple with him.

We have a joint account for bills and then separate personal accounts that he can’t access mine and vice versa. The joint account is usually overdrawn and we have no joint savings so I don’t need to worry about that. I’ve got a very small sum saved but have family that would support me if needed fortunately.

I just dont know when or if I should do it

[Hereforhelp]

In my experience there is no right time… I also wanted to wait until his next big blow out, sort of to validate why I needed to separate/leaving… it is good you habe emergency bags ready… you are right, you cannot split with an abuser in the same way with non abusive… abusers decide that they are the victim, they use their childhood/drugs/alcohol or whatever as an excuse, when there is no excuse. They also do not like to be in control.

Reading your second thread here you state clearly that you do not want this holiday, it is possible to cancel so. no money lost. It sounds like your eyes are open to the abuse and you are looking for a right time (when he switches up again)

Could you speak to a GP, about the anxiety you have? And womans aid as they are trained and will recogbise/understand how you are feeling.

Keep posting ❤️

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[April2023]

Thanks everyone. It all got too much just waiting and worrying so I left (detail removed by Moderator) with the kids.
I was so anxious and scared he might get angry, but I’ve said it’s just for a few days so I could get us out and then deal with stuff from there.

He generally was ok, but decided that it’s all my fault as since the kids were born I’ve only loved them- not him, not my family. Not my friends etc. That I wasn’t affectionate enough with him and if I had been I’d have been happier.
When i tried to point out that I didn’t want to cuddle someone who I’d been arguing with all day he didn’t accept it. And I didn’t even bother rising how maybe if I hadn’t had to do the majority of the childcare on a few hours of broken sleep maybe I would have had the energy to do more. Maybe if he had stepped up and helped more I would have wanted him more.

I feel a bit numb today. He’s text asking to meet and i put it off (detail removed by Moderator) but it’s brought back the knot of fear that had gone last night for the first time in weeks. I know I need to face him and say that we are over over but I’m scared. I don’t want to upset him, and I don’t want things to escalate. What I really want is just me and the kids back home but I know that that is a way off, if ever

[Camel]

I hope you’re doing OK. It’s never easy breaking away so give yourself credit. You’re stronger than you realise.

Try to avoid discussions about whose fault it is. Apart from the fact you will never win an argument with an abuser, his opinions are really not relevant. You don’t have to do the big face-to-face declaration that it’s over. You don’t need his permission or for him to agree with you.

Take this precious time to get your ducks in a row. Get legal and financial advice.

[April2023]

Thanks, I’m going ok just up and down emotionally. Still no it’s about lending him but big financial worries and he’s still being quite demanding with wanting answers/ for me to move back in/ wanting the kids overnight (I’m still bf one so have refused).
I’ve just applied for a divorce so I’m really scared about what his reaction might be. The fact I know it will be with anger and he will try and punish me proves I’m doing the right thing, but Im terrified of what steps he will take.

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