How do I do this?

[Jude]

I left my partner. This time for good I think we have a new home. But I’m struggling so much. I have been advised to start making notes on things that happened and it’s just bringing it all back so horribly. I keep wanting to go back because this is so hard. I am scared at how quickly he got a solicitor. He was so good at lying. I’m now looking back and thinking did he know we were going to leave. Was he preparing for it. He told me he had photos that showed we were happy together. He would accuse me of abusing him and I saw him recording me. Something he always threatened me with but always denied. I’m so scared. It might all have to go to court. I left with my son because of all that was happening. If it comes to court how will I cope. He knows all my weaknesses. I’ve managed to stay stable through all this and was doing well at work and with my son but my mood has dipped so much since leaving. I don’t know how to reflect on what’s happened and start making note of it without ending up not being able to cope. I’ve started having nightmares again and I can’t stop worrying about all of it. I don’t know how I will see him in court. I just feel like giving in and doing whatever he says. I feel like it took me all my strength to leave and now I have none left. I thought the first week we were doing okay but now we’re on week two and I’m not. I don’t want to be like this. I was not as good a Mum to my son today. I know it and I hate it. I’m trying to put him first and not be sad, not let him see but he didn’t nap and I didn’t sleep last night and I’m just so tired. I feel so alone and I feel so guilty for saying this but there’s this part of me that maybe thought he’d sort himself out after we left but he’s denying everything and I find myself feeling so sad that it’s over. Why do I feel sad when it was all so awful at the end. Why can’t I just be happy to be away from it. Why do I keep obsessing over why he doesn’t care and what he recorded and what photos he was taking about. I feel so anxious. I knew I couldn’t trust him but this is all just so horrid. I wish I didn’t still care for him. I keep worrying about how he is. I don’t want to get ill.

[Lisa]

Hello Jude,

Welcome to the forum, I’m so sorry you’re struggling at the moment.

What you’re describing are very common forms of control and manipulation by an abuser. It sounds as if he has used many tactics to obstruct you from seeking support or leaving in the past, making you feel as if you won’t be believed or making you out to be the abuser, and this form of control is escalating now that you’ve made the amazingly strong decision to leave. We know that abuse escalates when a woman decides to leave, this is the most dangerous time as the perpetrator has lost the power and will change their tactics in order to try and regain it. It’s important to remember that this is all part of the abuse and you are not at fault.

Are you receiving any support from a domestic abuse service at all? If not, it may be helpful to make contact with your local service, which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Children are incredibly intuitive, perhaps your son is picking up on your heightened anxiety at the moment. By making this decision you will be able to have the energy and freedom to be a mother to him in the way you want to be in the long term. But it’s hard to see that at the moment.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

Lisa

[Author]

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