How do I do this?

[seaglass]

Hi again, why is it I feel i have done this so badly? I feel like I should never have said anything,or I should have spoken to someone anonymously I feel out of control and I want to put the brakes on. Yet I also know that things have not been ok, being stonewalled is not ok, being sworn at is not, little digs that erode self confidence are not ok etc being told I’m the cause of our sons behaviour ( only when he’s naughty of course) is not ok, I no longer express an opinion about stuff as there is no point as he will twist it, if i say i find his manner intimidating he will tell me i should man up, if i get upset he is sarcastic about turning the water works on, etc etc But this week he is being gentle and kind and brilliant with our son. How do I rationalise this? Im scared to do what i know I need to do, I’m also sad which seems crazy, but all i can think is maybe we can work this out, maybe , maybe what if….I don’t want to hurt my son by splitting his family, how does that all work? He mostly is a great dad. Can it be done without animosity . So much going on in my head, sorry its scrambled but it all feels too fast and I feel anxious, almost more anxious than dealing with his moods, i knew how to do that.

[KIP.]

It’s the cycle of abuse. He knows exactly what he’s doing and when he senses you’ve had enough he can put on his Mr Nice guy act. He knows you so well and exploits that. It won’t be long before he reverts to his real nasty self. No man is a good father when they abuse the mother of their child. That child will get the same treatment one day when they develop their own mind. Your child is also learning abuse from their dad. Contact your local women’s aid and get a safe exit plan in place. Trust your gut and get yourself safe before you tell him. No point in discussions with an abuser, as you know you end up feeling exhausted and emotional. I too simply stopped responding then the mental health problems come. You need to be a happy healthy mum for your child and that won’t happen with an abuser x lean on women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

[iliketea]

I’m experiencing this change too. Do you have a diary or recordings of him? I spent time reading and listening back and felt physically sick. Strangely my present brain and thought process was not immediately remembering those events…. So, things have happened to get you where you are now, if you don’t have those things, start today. Write down everything. The silent treatment, the change, if you can recall, what went before. I promise it will help in the future if you are not ready now.

I asked my support worker and solicitor the exact same question yesterday. No, there isn’t a way to do this without animosity. Because if there was you would be doing it together wouldn’t you? You’d be sitting down acknowledging the relationship is over and discussing splitting up. Sure there might be one who doesn’t want to but at some point they come round to the fact you aren’t
happy.

Read the posts from Lifebegins this last week. It is a very eye opening and stark example of how perpetrators behave. If you can download Healing from Hidden Abuse.. it will really help.
I’ll try and write more later. Hope this helps for now. Stay strong. Xx

[seaglass]

Hi, thanks for your replies, I will start writing things down so I remember what they have been like. I will also look up the book to read and the other threads. I feel so anxious, this anxiety is worse than when he is being mean. He knows something is up, I’m being very distant but polite and I can feel him wanting to know why and I just don’t know how to go about the task of asking him to go, I am so fortunate as the home we are in is nothing to do with him or ever has been, so it should be so much simpler for me and I know how lucky I am but I am feeling disloyal which is crazy. I am so confused, it feels like now I’m making a fuss over nothing or something, or that he will tell everyone it’s me not him. I’m struggling to remember all the horrid ness but with school and therefore other agencies knowing there is no going back.

[iliketea]

My timeline of getting my head around this has been a very long 2.5 years…don’t be like me…I wish I had found this forum sooner. I went round and round and round the whole thing. I have had an IDVA for a long time, she said I have been the longest client so far… The reason, I’m kind, an empath, don’t want to rock the boat, couldn’t understand what was happening, blamed myself because I was being told everything was my fault but not overtly, in subtle put downs. And then when we were with other people, he was a different person, I couldnt square that in my mind. Noone not even the IDVA was explaining any of this to me but they were all saying it was abuse.

I’d suggest reading something, or listening on audible, writing things down so they get out of your head, I did loads of diagrams, maybe Im a nerd. But of events – this happened, then this happened but I expected this happened but it didnt, why? What did happen instead, what happened when I questioned it, WHY? SO many times, nothing went according to how I thought it was but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Literally only been the last couple of weeks that everything has fallen into place. Yes, Im being hard on myself now for the damage I might have caused to the children, that is natural and normal though. This type of domestic abuse behind closed doors is insidious, it is hard to explain, it is especially hard to understand yourself. You married/got together with someone you thought you loved, and loved you, you had children, you never thought, expected them to suddenly CHANGE…The thing is, they haven’t changed, they were pretending…

– They were always like this like a wolf in Sheeps Clothing. It is so hard to get your head around.
– I’m guessing you are kind, lovely, friendly, self assured, maybe a tiny little bit shy, we all have times of uncertainty in life or vulnerability (and he knows that), but basically you’re an empath, your strong and the main main main one – you are resilient…
– You have put up, tried to think think think this through, work out what was going on, what did you do, what can you do to fix it, on and on, trying to understand and sort this out, putting him first all the time.
– Things seemed so lovely in the beginning – yes, because he was mirroring you, reflecting back you wants and needs and desires….all relationships are like this to some extent, but then an uneasy feeling started, you tried to discuss it with him, he seemed to listen, but it didn’t go away.
– And repeat
– And repeat
– And repeat – what is it 3 times and then it becomes a habit? Well, not a habit in this case but a cognitive change that you now think it is YOU…not HIM….

There are 3 stages of a relationship with someone like this:
1) Love Bombing
2) Devaluation – putting you down
3) Discard..

Look these up. It will really help you to start writing things down, to unscramble your head. Ive never been an advocate of anti-depressants but my GP practically forced them down my throat just before lockdown. What they have done is unscramble my mind, Im lucid again, it took a couple of weeks but I haven’t looked back, no day time sleepiness and no zombie feeling which is what I feared the most. I had moved into panic, anxiety mode and i couldn’t work out what to do and how to do it. Im going to bump a post that explains that. It sounds like that is where you are.
This will be ok, honestly. You’re doing all the right things and asking all the right questions. Stay strong.
xx

[Beautifulday]

I like tea thank you so much for this xx

[Beautifulday]

@seaglass I agree with the others start writing it all down! I did! And when you read it back you will be shocked! Horrified its a wierd feeling. It makes you see it in different way, as if you were another person lookinh in and you can start to see it for what it really is. I now write every little thing down, no matter how small and headline it with the date, sometimes I’ll put how I’m feeling or if I woke with anxiety headache etc because you can start to see patterns emerging. I also write down when he has “nice” episodes and then the cycle of abuse presents itself in all its glory!!
I read back over my journal when I’m doubting myself and it brings me back to reality. I would highly recommend this.
Xx

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