How do I find out policing rules?

[Squiddles]

I contacted the police a couple of years ago about my ex-husband being coercive. Ex was very clever and police felt they could do nothing but “have a chat with him”. Given that they really weren’t “getting” the coercive control bit, I declined (for fear of making it worse).

Yesterday my son told me that his Dad said I had called the police on him. My ex can lie lime a hairy egg to manipulate. Or he might know. I didn’t tell anyone who could tell him.

So I don’t know if the police could contact him anyway and where I can check out what the police are/are not allowed to do? Any pointers gratefully received.

It worries me for anyone reporting anything like this – can the police tell your perpetrator?
Thank you.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Squiddles

The best thing might be to call 101 to ask? I mean, as a rule police do seem to tell the alleged perpetrators of any crime who has made the allegation against them, who the report was submitted by. I believe the exception to this is sensitivity around revenge risks, and being in a DA situation would constitute such a risk.

If he was never actually approached by the police, I feel its more likely that he knew through some other means, but police shouldn’t have spoken to him. He could also be making it up to your son, also to be manipulative of him. If he has good tech knowledge it wouldn’t be hard to either track your phone/messages/SM, or buy cheap bugs to put around the house, if you were together during this time.

You need to consider what benefit he will get from telling your son. If he is looking to deamonise you to his son he could be playing the victim and telling him how awful you were and even tried to get him into trouble with the police?

From what you’ve said it seems unlikely to have come from the police though, but do be careful what you say to your son as he could be used by your ex to be an ‘informant’, maybe testing the water with you to see how you react to find out whether you ever did make a police report. The important thing here is that your son is not used in this way and kept out of any actions on yours or his part, so just keep from saying anything to him that could make him feel caught in the middle of this adult interaction (which is what tour ex has done). You could follow this up with your son by saying its an inappropriate thing to involve him in his parents relationship, and his father speaking to him this way is totally inappropriate. This will help your son understand there should be boundaries between parents and their children.

I hope you manage to resolve this, I can understand how stressful this would be.

warmest wishes

ts

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