How do I find the way

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m trying to write this but it’s a tangled mess in my head.

We are facing one of the kids having some major treatment, can’t give details, but is in the coming weeks and we are all anxious about this.

My husband is gradually getting more and more difficult with his behaviour and I’m certain it’s because of what is happening and that he will make things harder for us all.

His manor to this child is aggressive, body language and his attitude and words. As all of the kids reach adulthood this has happened. They gradually become distant from him and don’t want to be around him.

His manor towards me is the same, but I’m numb I don’t notice it and when I do I quickly block it out. He was staring at me with such aggression but I didn’t see it. The kids did. He says he’s had enough of me because I don’t back him up with the kids. He is having tantrums about nothing because I speak up for myself now.

What worries me is I’ve live my entire life this way growing up in an abusive household and now my marriage is too.

So how can I change, how can I truly feel this abuse, how can I break away when I’m so normalised by it all.

There are times I think I can do it, want to do it, but the pull is so very strong with him. It is addiction, it feels that way.

How do you break the cycle, truly find the strength and get away. How do you think clearly long enough to keep going?

I don’t want this to be my forever and as the younger children are gradually getting older I’m fearing a repeat in his behaviour towards them.

I’m worried he’s going to let us all down during one of the most difficult times of our lives.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m speaking with local DA tomorrow and think this will help.

Just can’t believe he’s like this after such an amazing time recently. I know it’s the cycle but it’s hard still to comprehend how much he has changed. It’s all highs and lows

[Stargazing1]

Hope everything goes well with the DA tomorrow @Chocolatebunnie . Sending hugs.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Stargazing1 thank you x

I have a lady that was my support worker last time so I’m happy she’s knows my case already given me some ideas for dealing with things so very useful x

[Bananaboat]

Try looking at it another way. You’ve lived in worlds where you’ve done it all yourself anyway, by realising you’re stronger and wiser than you recognise and that these abusive people needed you – not the other way round.

You’re spot on, he’ll get nasty because the attention is on your child which may present you with opportunities to try saying ‘this isn’t working’, ‘just leave us then’ or ‘it’s over / child is my priority’ type of things. I said these for months before becoming strong enough to follow through, all part of the journey & breaking that bond. Hope you’re child is going to be ok soon xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi Bananaboat

It’s perspective isn’t it, just difficult sometimes when you’re stuck in the spin of it all.

Just had my appointment and went well same person supporting me again.

He threatens to leave me as I don’t back him up, I tell him to go. Maybe he will? From what I’ve read on here not likely though.

I’m definitely stronger than I was when first on the forum and reaching out then too. Learnt a lot.

Just can’t imagine not being with him. But you never know what life brings feeling clearer today.

And thank you regarding my child 🩷 I know whatever happens my child am I are close and well get through the next few weeks and months. They know their dad for who he truly is so are bracing themselves too. We both feel we need him right now xx

[Stargazing1]

Your welcome @Chocolatebunnie , glad your in touch with someone who knows your case and is helpful. I sent a message to my local DA yesterday so I can’t wait for them to get back to me because this time I going to tell them everything. Good luck with everything. Sending hugs.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hope all goes well for you too @Stargazing1 it takes time to except the abuse and be open about it too, so that’s a step forward for you.

Sending you hugs also xx

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Chocolatebunnie . All the best to you.

[sweet4]

Hi i just wanted to say, when all this started a few years back, i contacted a local charity, and they said, it just sounds like you have had an argument, as i did not know the words to use, and of course, i could not remember much of what he did, then i started writing things down, so that really helped me, i built up a case, learned new words, like gaslighting, i never heard of it before, so i have really learned alot, thanks to this website.
We need to also help ourselves, i have spent so much time, constantly, emailing and telephoning the council, i have not given up. Be strong ladies, if i can do it so can you.xx

[Stargazing1]

I will try my best to describe what’s going on for me @sweet4 . I was in touch with womens aid a few years back and I described stuff too them . Unfortunately I was a wimp and I didn’t leave. I’m not very strong. I will try my best . Thanks 😊. Take care of yourself.

[browneyedmum]

Thinking of you and your poorly child, CB.

And yes, don’t be too surprised if he kicks off because of all of the needed attention on that poorly child. Just expect it and perhaps roll with it for now.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you browneyedmum, and yes he already is the atmosphere if nothing else is very sour. My child is so aware of it and they are already frightened by the operation so this is not helpful. True colours are showing.

We knew it would happen so yes just keeping our heads down as we need him to help out.

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