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    • #9821
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      My daughter wants nothing to do with her father, X years down the line she has never spoken to her father, never seen him since the day we left him, and that’s with us living in the (detail removed by Moderator).

      All of his family blamed her for coming between us and causing the breakdown of our marriage and instigating me leaving him.
      None of which is true.
      She is in her late teens and once she discovered what he was doing to me, she became very supportive and protective of me, and his family then accused her of interfering in our marriage. You can imagine how hard this was for a teenage girl to deal with, she was supported by W.A. for at least a year after we left him, she was very unstable for a whole year, and really was not herself.

      Well all of his family continue to cut her (and me) out of their lives – not even a Xmas or Birthday card for her, while her younger brother still gets Xmas and Birthday money from them all.

      So that problem is its her birthday soon, and her father has given her brother a card and present from him – as HE actually does not blame her, and he would like to have contact with her.

      He still thinks on her as his daughter, but she has totally written her father out of her life.

      I don’t know if she will ever be able to see him or even speak to him, if they meet out in public (she runs away if she see him) I will never MAKE her see him, only she can decide IF/WHEN she is ready to talk to him again.

      However my problem right now is he has bought her this present, and I will give it to her on her birthday, but I know she will not accept it, and I know she will never thank him.
      He will be asking me if she liked it, and what do I say – she may not even open it…..

      He has given her every Xmas and birthday since we left, and its not in my nature not to thank people for gifts when received, she has never once thanked him and I feel very uncomfortable about this – I don’t expect her to go and see him, and I don’t expect her to phone him and thank him, all it would take would be a one line thank you – that would be all it would take to keep him happy.

      Im not trying to defend him, but he does make the effort to take the time to go out and buy her a card and present, and she has never once thanked him, yet he continues to give her.

      He has actually never moaned to me that he gets no thanks, and he continues to give her even though none of his family give her or have any connection with her.

      I know its her own choice, and I can’t (and won’t) ever make her do anything she does not want to do, but that does not stop me feeling like ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ cought between the two of them, and trying to keep the peace.

      I don’t want EITHER one of them to think I’m defending the other one, but I caught between a rock and a hard place…….

    • #9823
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      If she continues not to accept them thats her choice,i wouldnt force her either i would just say i accept her choice ,u dont need to say thank u to him either, when i left my ex i was thinking do i allow the contact or not, in fact i stupidly even encouraged it and said its your dad so if u want to keep contact thats fine,in end childeren decided for themselves, youngest teen said would try contact, after been let down loads has decided on no contact , doesnt even listen to v mail, eldest is on and off with contact, i just said to ex u have there no if u want to keep contact with them contact direct not via me, maybe u should say same that if he wants any contact he approaches direct and if she doesnt want to know his got answer, does he pass gifts over direct to u or through other son . If she doesnt accept tell him that, not sure if u on good talking terms or not , im not on good terms with my ex. I personally think they should make effort but respect child choice if they dont take , your child sounds strong minded like my son,its good they know abuse is wrong and not to be taken, sounds like your daughter been through a lot with being given the blame , hope i helped u bit

      • #9828
        mixed-up mum
        Participant

        Hiya Confused123 – thanks for your reply.

        I quite agree its her own choice and I would never try and sway her either way (contact/no contact) I said when I left him I would never MAKE them go and see him, and I would never STOP them from seeing him.

        She has chosen no contact and I respect her for that – she will not go near him in public, she will not even answer the phone if he rings here.

        She is SO STRONG – I really admire her for her strength – I wish I was half the person SHE IS…..she’s has been through do much….its hard on her
        She cannot forgive her father for what he did, and wants nothing to do with him – to her he no longer exists – she hates and dispises her father with a passion.

        I have not forgiven him, and I have not forgotten what he did, but I live with it, and I’m trying to move on with my life and not be consumed with bitterness and anger towards him…..

        But I just feel so bad – as its not in my nature not to thank people for gifts.
        The gifts he gives are given through our son – he sees his dad every week and the gift are always given from thrm both, signed by her father from him and her brother.

    • #9834
      White Rose
      Participant

      I’m sorry I have no ideas to offer to give a solution. Your daughter clearly has strong feelings about this and has made her choice not to have contact.
      My daughter has done the same but her dad and I’ve had to stop trying to push her for contact as it was causing more harm to her emotionally.
      I know my daughter was emotionally abused by him as I was she was also physically abused. I know he’s carried on the emotional abuse since we left which has simply increased her resolve for no conract.
      I think you may need simply to support your daughter and as she is old enough to decide to accept it.
      The gifts are tricky; I’m like you and always want to be able to say thank you but that would mean contact albeit in writing or a brief exchange of words.
      Tough. Just keep being a great mum x

      • #9861
        mixed-up mum
        Participant

        Hi White Rose, Confused123, and Her indoors thank you all for your replies.

        Yes indeed my daughter has very strong feelings about her father – and I don’t know if she will ever forgive him,I honestly wonder if she will ever speak to him again, but it’s not my problem!!!

        I will never try and force a relationship between the two of them, only she has the right and the choice to decide what she wants…..

        Confused123 I wish I had your strength – you are so brave – if only I had the courage to do what you suggested – I’m too scared of him to give him his gift back and tell him it’s not wanted.

        Hi Her Indoors – thanks for your message – yes my ex whants US all to be ‘friends’ – my son has no problem with his dad – and I can ‘cope’ with him too – but my daughter refuses all contact – its her choice and I’m fine with it – its just the not saying thank you I struggle with – I just don’t want him to have the chance today anything bad about her to the rest of his ‘lovely’ family – she’s a lovely lass – and I dont want them to get an excuse to badmouth her for any reason.

        If she wasn’t refusing to have anything to do with him I think she would delight in giving him bsck his gift – but she won’t go near him.

        I guess you are right the only person who should thank him is her and not me – so it’s up to her – but I know she won’t do it.

        I just wish she could be the ‘bigger person’ and just rise above it all and just write a simple, basic thank you – and not give him and his family the excuse to say things about her – she’s a lovely lass, caring, and kind and the only one she is ‘nasty’ about is her dad – because she hates him SO MUCH – she just can’t be herself around him – she’s so full of bitter resentment towards him.

        I know what will happen – I’ll give it to her – she’ll hate it (no matter what it is – cos it’s from him!!) she’ll lay it past, and then next I speak to him he’ll ask did she like her present, and I’ll lie and say yes, to keep the peace – and so I chicken out same as I always do – I’m never brave enough…….

    • #9840
      Confused123
      Participant

      I think u doing all the rights things hun, remember these abusers dont need to be thank for giving gift , these abusers have to be treated harshly, just return the gifts via your son, if hew tries it from her brother too just say any gifts connected with you r not wanted

    • #9847
      Herindoors
      Participant

      I read this post with interest mixed-up-mum. Before my ex blocked me he would constantly tell me that I should be encouraging our daughter to see him, that the fact that I didn’t do this meant it was my fault that she wouldn’t etc… He has stopped trying to contact her and makes no effort to rebuild bridges with her. He expects her to come to him (just like everthing else in his life!)
      So I read your post with interest because your ex is trying to restablish a relationship and it made me wonder what I would do in your situation (as my daughter is highly likely to respond the same way yours is).
      If my ex gave me a gift for our daughter I would tell her it exists and ask her what she wanted to do with it. 1) Give it back to him, 2) Take it, 3) leave it to me to give to a charity shop.
      If my ex asked me what happend to it, I would tell him.
      If he didn’t ask I wouldn’t tell him.
      I wouldn’t thank him for the gift, because the gift was for my daughter and the only person that ‘should’ thank him is her. And if she doesn’t want to then that’s up to her.
      And I wouldn’t respond to the abuse that 1 or 3 would provoke from him, but I wouldn’t hide it from my daughter either, because I feel it would be important that she knows all his behaviour so she can keep making informed decisions about him.
      Not sure that helps!

    • #9855
      Daisy
      Participant

      If it was me, I wouldn’t say thank-you m-u-m,
      Not on her behalf, or instead of her, or in absence of her thank-you,
      I’d keep it simple and just pass the present on, put it with her others,
      She’s of an age now to decide for herself after that, and sounds like she is doing admirably.
      You sound really nice, too nice perhaps,
      – don’t change, but perhaps just save your kindness and caring for only those that deserve it, reciprocate it , and who you have reasons to thank.
      X x x

      • #9863
        mixed-up mum
        Participant

        Hi Daisy – nice to hear from you – don’t think we have chatted before?
        Nice to hear from you anyway, and thank you for taking the time to reply.

        Well I don’t actually SAY thank you to him – but I just KNOW he will ask if she liked it – and to save any bother, or fuss, or falling out – I just say yes.

        I’m not defending him here – BUT he does actually go out and buy her a card and present – and treat BOTH his kids THE SAME – where as his lousy family don’t even have the decency to do THAT!!!!
        THEY have totally cut her (and me) out of the family – its like we no longer excist – which is pretty poor of them to ignore their own granddaughter/neice. I’m sure you can see by now where he gets his nature from!!!!!
        But at least HE has the courage to do what HE wants – and not listen to all of them, he’s doing what he believes is right by NOT ignoring his daughter, as all the rest of them are doing. They have tried to turn him against her – but (so far) he has stuck by what HE believes is the right thing to do.

        I will take your advice, put his present with the rest, and leave it with her…..

        She IS an amazing young lady – she’s been through such a lot in her young life – things kids shouldn’t have to go through – but she is so strong – she firmly stands up for what she believes – and she was never afraid of him like I was/am – she would speak up against him and defend me – when I was too weak and pathetic – she would protect me and stand up for me – I’m so proud of the young lady she has grown up to be.

        You are quite right – I’m too nice for my own good, that’s my problem, my weakness and my downfall – that’s why I can never speak up for myself – why I can never say no…..there is no cure – I’ve been like this all of my life – and fear I’m too old to change the habits of a lifetime now…..

        Thank you all for your replies and kind understanding advice.

        x*x

    • #9918
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi M.U.M,

      Just another perspective.

      I have taken the stance that your daughter has taken with my 2 abusers. I am maintaining strict No Contact. Your thoughts have given me a perspective on how my children and my relatives think about me not responding to ‘gifts’ from my abuser mum and my abuser ex (not any more but in the early months post-contact).

      My abuser would go out buy a card and left a beautiful bunch of flowers (on our wedding anniversary even though he had initiated separation proceedings against me and was abusing me left, right and centre, on every level and I could hardly function) on the kitchen table for my children to see. I would not comment, left the flowers, untouched, until they wilted, card up-opened.

      I then came across as ‘the mean one’, and my abuser came across as the generous, ‘wanting to be amicable’ one.

      My abuser mum did the same. After being abused by her all my life, I finally went No Contact after a very serious abusive incident. It took every ounce of strength to go no contact with my abuser mum and I was riddled with guilt and anguish. But I persevered as I was going downhill mentally with her abuse of me.

      However, she would send gifts and cards to me via my children and via my aunt. Again, my children think my mum is the kind one and feel I am ‘the ungrateful, mean one.’ My aunt and relatives think the same, so as well as having been abused, I’m judged by my relatives and just recently got a Christmas card from a relative ‘praying that there may be healing between myself and my mum.’

      But ‘healing’ means getting back into contact with my mum, which means getting back into the cycle of abuse with her.

      I read somewhere once that helped me on my painful process of having to go No Contact with my abuser mum, that fORGIVENESS in abusive situations is actually Enabling the abuse to continue.

      Abusers love forgiveness because then we go right back into the cycle of abuse and they get to get their ‘hit’, and ‘their high’ from abusing us.

      And victims like us who are kind hearted find having to ‘not forgive’ to be a painful, excruciating and guilt-ridden thing to do.

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