How do I get closure and find peace?

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m feeling quite miserable today because my abuser contacted me (detail removed by Moderator) both by text and creepily also by post with faux concern for my wellbeing. I ignored both attempts at contact but it put him firmly back in my head again which is what he wants annoyingly. I’ve been trying to be productive but just feel weighed down with exhaustion and apathy and my brain still trying to make sense of everything.

My brain keeps remembering conversations with him and re-evaluating everything he said with my present knowledge of him being a pathological liar, a cheat, an abuser and possibly a psychopath. I remembered he said he used to go running with this woman and he said (detail removed by Moderator) This girl according to him (detail removed by Moderator) and so he apparently stopped meeting up with her, but I’ve seen on her social media there is a photo of them together and she has used a hashtag that could suggest they are a couple although it’s not clear, this was when we first started dating. Because he lied so much I now can’t trust anything he said.

I’m also questioning every time he went to (detail removed by Moderator) and see his friends, I feel like it’s likely he was out meeting women during these times and lying to my face about it. His biggest hobby seems to be sleeping with (and abusing) as many women as possible 🙁

My mind is just a mess with all the stuff. Should I contact her and ask if they were/are dating? How do I move on and stop re-evaluating every conversation? I’m usually going about my daily business when something he said pops into my head which my brain then wants to understand. It’s like being in detective mode, but I’m not even still with him nor do I ever want to see him again. I wish I’d never ever met this awful, awful person and got caught up in his trap.

I think I’m just trying to make sense of it, get closure and find peace. I’ve never gone out with anyone like him before so normally my relationships end fairly decently with both parties being honest, giving eachother some sort of closure and us both moving on amicably. How do I move on from this one with all the lies, deceit, cheating and lack of closure? How can I calm my brain down from all the obsessive panicky analysis or is that just something I’ll have to expect for now and it will eventually calm down?

I feel so miserable thinking that just a few months ago I blissfully thought I had this lovely boyfriend and was so lucky to have met him. I loved having someone there, loved going to see him and all the affection you get with being in a couple. I thought he was so handsome and wonderful. I hate the way I STILL think he is good looking despite everything, if he was ugly somehow it would make it easier 🙁

Now I feel unbearably lonely, much much worse than before I met him. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to give me a hug, or hold my hand. This is just all so painful.

[KIP.]

Hey I’m sending you a hug <—>.

Sometimes it’s easier to accept the apology you will never get. I read somewhere that you will never get closure from an abuser and it’s true. I think of it like he walked out the door and was killed. There is no chance of questioning or closure from him. Even if you did manage to sit down with him, he will twist everything onto you. How it’s your fault, you caused it, it wasn’t his fault etc etc blah blah blah…. It does get easier. I was where you are on the road to recovery. I’m much further forward and couldn’t care less about his dysfunction. His cheating, his lies, his violence. It’s all his shame. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Save your energy for your own recovery ❤️

[pheonix]

Hi sunshineRainflower

Big hugs from me, my friend told me dont look back, look forward. Become the person u want to be when my mind start to dwell on the past i rember these words and they help me to be centred and focused i hope they can help u too.
Hope u have a better day tomorrow wishing u peace and healing xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Kip and Phoenix. You’re right, there is no point looking back. I realised after I wrote this post that I was getting sucked back in again, he’d love it if I contacted that girl and knew he’d made me jealous, that’s what they want, to draw you back in and create drama and pain while they sit back and laugh and feel like they have power over us.

I’m not going to contact her, she seems like a nice person so I will wish her the best (in my head) and just hope she is safe. I also realised I’m struggling with social media, I shouldn’t have checked her account, no good ever comes of doing detective work on these men. I start off trying to understand but whatever I find just makes me more confused/sad/angry/jealous and before I know it I’ve wasted hours and feel dreadful.

I’m going to try to be mindful of checking it. I’m also going to change my number so he can’t keep texting me (I blocked his number but they just go to a blocked messages folder so I can still see them annoyingly).

Should I save/print his texts, letters etc in case I need them as evidence for the police if he gets more stalkerish? I think he is a dangerous and sick person from the things he did and said (putting his hands on my neck then denying it, jokes about killing me etc). The only problem is I’m ashamed to admit I tend to re-read his messages several times a day, a bit like a cocaine addict who needs a fix or something. I understand now why so many women struggle to leave these men, there is an addictive quality to these relationships, it must be all the intensity and trauma bonding combined with our loneliness and longing for love or something.

I wish I could move my mind away from thinking about him and all his depraved ways, my poor brain can’t cope with any more and justs wants to move forward.

I’m starting a job hunt this week so hopefully I can find work. I think that will be a step in the right direction and keep me busy and occupied enough to help take my mind off of him and also help me to move my life forward in a more positive direction.

[KIP.]

Definately keep all evidence somewhere safe. Have you considered making a statement to police? Time and no contact are the quickest way to move on x

[pheonix]

Its so hard to accept that the people we love are the ones we are most at risk from, i have spent most of my life in a marriage where emotional abuse and control was the norm, walking on eggshells it felt like living my life deep under the sea struggling to breath in the last several years the control and abuse escalted to the extent he was with me 24hrs a day refusing to work because he had to be beside me tracking devices in the car and on my phone always trying to please him always failing i am finally out but still not free still lots of presure to return all the empty promisses to change they cannot change because they dont understand what they do is wrong they are icapable of being happy . We need to put ourselves first somthing i have never done so i find it so hard to do but when im weakened by his tears i come on here take strength to move forward and find peace and happiness.
Good luck with the job search sunshine you dont need him choose life laughter and success xx

[Serenity]

I read this somewhere: Do whatever you need to survive.

You’ve been through a dreadful experience, and feel vulnerable and invaded. We can sympathise here with those feelings. The trauma that abuse causes is truly dreadful.

I think each of us needs to do whatever works best for ourselves in order to survive. That will be slightly different for each person, but I think after abuse, we need to give ourselves high priority in order to recover and rebuild. Don’t do what other people tell you to do: do what your gut tells you.

Treat yourself like you wish he had treated you; believe that you deserve peace and happiness, and go after whatever it means for you.

Whoever you were, he would have treated you the same. This is because they are abusers, plain and simple. He will be like that whoever he’s with. What a hollow and meaningless life they lead: they will never know the beauty of true relationships with people.

[wakingup]

Oh ladies, after reading all your stories I realise I’m not crazy. I am having a really bad week this week and everything you’ve all just said is me. I feel so lost. My friend has told me for so long that when it comes to him I’m like an addict, and I am. I’m also a detective. I trapes through his things, emails, social media just everything searching as to why he hurts me so much. I know I will never have closure with him so will he be walking around in my head and heart forever??? I so desperately want to be normal in a normal relationship and be loved

[wakingup]

But not until I love me more and spend time healing all the hurt

[pheonix]

There is no reasonable explanation for what they do, because what they do is UNREASONABLE.

Dont let him turn you into him,dont go through he emails and social media, no one should invade anothers privacy its wrong, if we dont have trust in a relationship it cannot be healthy and equal.

Im sorry to hear
you are in such a bad place, we are all here for you keep posting it will give u strength.

Some one postedthink of ourselves as addicts and they are poison, we crave the poison but its but its bad for us destroying us, we need to go cold turkey DONT TAKE IT! Choose the rocky road to peace and happiness .

[Author]

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