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Hi everyone new here and looking for advice on how to get my boyfriend to accept that I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore and get him to move out of my flat. He has been paying for half the rent since he moved in but his name isn’t on the tenancy. I have tried to end the relationship a few times before and he always guilt trips me with how he gave up renting his property to move in with me and my children (from a previous relationship). I told him last night it was over after he lost his temper and shouted at my children and myself. He first accepted it and said he would move into his parents house but then changed his mind and is now trying to talk me round. He’s apologised and said it won’t happen again as it’s the first time he’s lost it with the kids but it’s not the first time he’s been like it with me so I know it will happen again. He’s making it out to be nothing and that I should stay with him and work through it but I know deep down that I’m making the right decision. It doesn’t help matters that I’m currently pregnant with his child and he is obviously using that as a reason to stay together. Just looking for some advice on staying strong and not letting him talk me round. How do I get him to agree to leave?
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He won’t agree to leave. You need to take the initiative. It sounds drastic but these men simply won’t listen so I’d move his stuff out to his parents the next time he’s out and change the locks. I know it sounds drastic but the other alternative is to call the police. Which you may have to do anyway. Get some legal advice about putting his name on the birth certificate. I wouldn’t. These men use children as pawns and if he’s already abusing your children you can bet he will do the same or worse to this one. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Ending an abusive relationship is a really dangerous time for you and also pregnancy is a time when abuse increases. Abusers see vulnerability as a weakness to exploit.
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Please don’t give in to him. From past experience it doesn’t get better. I wish I had someone to tell me that when I saw signs like this. The more you take him back the harder it will become. I agree with move his stuff out and change the locks. I also agree with not having him named on the birth certificate its not necessary. Hope you are ok and try not to allow any stress especially during your pregnancy. X
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Hi PinkandPurple,
I just want to add… if he starts with “You can’t throw me out, I’ve paid half the rent so I have a right to live here” excuse then don’t take any notice. You are the named tenant and whether he has paid half of the rent or not it doesn’t matter. No one is entitled to live anywhere for free, so wherever he happened to live he would have to pay his way. Someone who lodges in a house and pays a rent is not entitled to stay there because their payment may have contributed to the mortgage etc.
As this is rented accommodation there is an issue with the locks being changed. You will either have to ask your landlord to change them and you pay the costs, or inform your landlord you have changed them at your cost and provide your landlord with a key as soon as possible, explaining that the locks were changed as an emergency for your safety. Hopefully they will be understanding. If you rent from a Housing Association they may have a preferred locksmith who will change the locks and then invoice you for the cost, the same if you rent from your local Council.
If he moved in with you and you never notified the Council regarding Council Tax and you are still claiming the single person discount then abusers often use this to blackmail victims and tell them they will report them for fraud. The same with any benefits. If this does apply to you don’t let this scare you. The Council will just issue a back dated bill to when he moved in which you would have to agree to pay off. It’s unlikely he’d contribute to it out of spite, but I just thought I’d mention this as it’s very common for abusers to try and use things like this against victims as a scare tactic and they end up staying with him for fear of being chased up for debts.
I hope it all goes okay for you, keep us updated.
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He has already tried to blackmail me with telling the council he’s been here. Luckily my (detail removed by moderator) so the locks wouldn’t be a problem. It does mean I will have to tell her whats been going on which is difficult. I’m currently looking at terminating my pregnancy which is awful but I feel pushed into a corner and there’s no other way out. I don’t suppose you have any advice about telling him or not telling him? He’s never going to agree to it as it’s his last hold over me so I need to do it in a safe way.
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