How do I get out

[Imogen]

I honestly feel completely stuck and confused. I went to see an outreach worker who talked me through what happens if I just wanted to leave at any point. I don’t know if I am in that bad a situation. He is cruel, a bully, belittling and patronising to me at home and around others. I haven’t slept for months knowing a little more about what he is doing.

The is no physical relationship. If there is it is me doing everything. He mocked out loud to friends he has become an expert in pleasuring himself with me sat there next to him as he said it. He admitted to friends his best trait is how Machiavellian he is at manipulating and persuading people, again with me sat there with him.

Am I being hypersensitive? He becomes so caring, he says he loves me, how he needs me. Any opinion I have is wrong or responded to with “no darling I don’t think so” in a tone that even as I type makes me feel so sick inside.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve read things on manipulation but it’s confusing me. I’m scared, exhausted and desperately sad. I do t even know what I want to say to you all, I don’t know why I’m even typing.

How do I do this?

[KIP.]

You’re typing because deep down there is the woman you were before you met him. She is trying desperately to come out again. She wants to be saved, to be happy, to be confident, to have great self esteem. Your abuser picks away at your confidence, it makes you easier to control. Abuse always gets worse. Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship, when was the last time you were truely happy. My ex used to say really inappropriate things to me, then say it was just a joke or I’m too sensitive. Mostly in private but towards the end he would publicly humiliate me to the point where I was scared to leave my home. Abusers suck the life and soul from us like an emotional vampire. Keep posting. You might not know what’s going on but the ladies on here certainly do. Cruel, belittling, patronising and a bully. Is that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Read back over your own post from the perspective of a stranger. What would you advise yourself?

[Imogen]

Hi KIP,

I would tell that woman she needs to get out, to put herself first. But why is it so hard for me to say that to myself. I’d be devastated if it were a friend and do anything in my power to get her out.

I can’t and don’t have that. Everyone loves him. I tried to talk, only very loosely, to a friend who I thought would be reasonable but she just came back with, that’s what marriage and love is about.

I’m only getting sadness, pain and upset from this relationship, but feel too weak and pathetic to get out. I moved forward a while back trying to get a plan together but I don’t even know where to start really.

Any good ideas? Should I start with a solicitor or more emotional support?

[anna]

Hi Imogen,
The fact you are on here writing a post shows you something is up with the relationship. Normal healthy relationships with ordinary fights, arguments and disagreements dont feel the need to post on a forum like this one.
I think what you are saying ( forgive me if i have got the wrong end of the stick) is you are not sure that it is abuse as it would look maybe subtle and not that big a deal to an outsider looking in. But that is why they do it in this underhand way to get away with it. Afterall if your boyfriend said to you in the pub F off you are rubbish in bed presumably your friends would be horrified and tell you to leave him. so instead he uses passive aggression to insult you knowing everyone gets his meaning so he can humiliate and belittle you ( by the way the psycological reason behind this behaviour is so he lowers your status to your friends) but no one can directly call him out on it as he could say oh i was joking. My mum constantly did this to me such as saying i love your dress anna, so nice you decided to make an effort. so nasty comments hidden behind a facade of friendlyness. So yes i personally say its abuse.
But the bottom line is, whatever you want to call a bunch of behaviours it does not matter.it is how it makes you feel personally .
As for leaving only you can decide that. if you do decide to leave you can get help and support.
i ended an abusive relationship with my mum. Realistically parts of that have been stressful and horrible
such as getting unwanted mail off her in the post. And having missplaced guilt about being a terrible daughter leaving her mum. But i can truthfully and wholeheartedly say it was the right thing to do and i have more good days than bad.

[Imogen]

Hi Anna,

Firstly, I am so sorry this has happened to you. It saddens me deeply, but at the same time I am in awe of your courage and strength. I know my relationship is a mess. I just don’t know how to start to get out of it.

I go through the “just leave, get out” syndrome, then panic and worry about him?! then I think “it can’t be so bad, I’m imagining it”. There are a few people who notice little bits, but then think “oh you are so strong and patient to be with him, that’s real love”.

I just don’t know how to help myself which sounds so pathetic and I get so angry with myself for thinking that.

[KIP.]

Start with women’s aid. They can help you understand the dynamics of abuse. We are hooked into them by their lies and manipulation and guilt tripping. It’s like a drug addiction. Then get a free consultation with a couple of solicitors. My ex lied for years and it turns out I was entitled to a lot more than he said. Only discuss your abuse with people who have been through it and understand and are supportive. Being dismissed or minimised is painful. You could try your GP? Any local support groups run by women’s aid. Even your local domestic abuse police officers. There are new laws about coercive control now. Imagine where you want to be in 5 years? Do you have goals of your own? Write down all the abusive things he has done to you from day 1 and how they make you feel. Keep positing on here for support x

[Imogen]

KIP that is some really helpful advice. I had tried the GP who wrote me off with depression. It’s just so odd for me to articulate. I have started to write down things more to try and read back what is going on and has been for many years. I have only really scratched the surface but uncovered a number of horrors. Thank you for this help x*x

[Ayanna]

Imogen, I think you should attend the Freedom Programme.
That will help you to find your boundaries and to get out.
You deserve better.

[Imogen]

Hi Ayanna,

What is the Freedom Programme? Sorry if I sound completely ignorant. Freedom is very much what I want to feel again.

[Ayanna]

Check this link, that tells you everything about it:

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

x*x

[Imogen]

Thank you Ayanna. I’m looking at that online version first. That sort of workbook system suits me. Thank you so much x*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

Like you I don’t sleep. They keep us on a knifes edge unable to make decisions. We know it’s not right but our strength of reasoning is destroyed.

Then a spark comes from within and we start questioning it. Keep posting any doubt you have about whether you’re being abused or not, you will find that more that one of us had had the same thing thrown at us.

Talk to woman’s aid find your options and make a plan on what you want to do.

The book Living with a Dominator help me to understand that what my abuser did was all plan not spur of the moment.

Stay safe when they can see you questioning their behaviour they can become more agressive or fain sadness and regreat for what they have done. Both are control methods.

People that haven’t been in an abusive relationship won’t understand it.

I was going to tell a friend once about what I was going through. But before I could say anything she said how lucky I was to have a man like that. What could I say. I said nothing and stayed put and blamed myself.

Just remember you didn’t ask to be abused it’s not right on any level. It’s him to blame.

Stay strong on your road to freedom.

FS xx

[Imogen]

Hi Falling Skys,

Thank you for your support and masses of hugs right back at you X

That is exactly what people say. They put him on a pedestal, tell me how lucky I am and how great he is. It is at the point I have no one to talk to within my friends circle. I started my job a while back with a fresh attitude and found I was being more like the woman I knew and always wanted to be. I should be able to be like that all the time no?

I feel like a burden and annoying by being here, probably repeating myself and asking silly questions. This forum is helping with finding solutions, literature and links for which I am so grateful for. It’s just working out how to transfer the things I read into action and have faith in them.

X*X

[itmustbemesurely]

I’m lying awake unable to sleep too….whilst he snores next to me….when you find the answer let me know! I was called a judgemental bi**h and told
That I was fu**ing taking the pi** in front of two of my friends this week….they tell me I should leave but I’m scared. I get it, walking on eggshells is no wY to live honey xxxxx sending lots of love and luck x*x

[Imogen]

Hey Itmustbemesurely,

I feel the same. Another night not sleeping and I feel it’s getting worse. I creep out and sleep in the spare room sometimes just to try and rest.

Also, like you it’s working out how to start to make this right. I’ve done a fair bit of reading and going to try the Freedom Programme online (link above). I’ve got no energy to get things moving and it feels like I am eating an elephant trying to work out where to start. There are some good guidelines in the comments above which I will be sure to try.

I’m terrible at talking. I’ve learnt not to and just to laugh my worries off. Maybe that’s from him. This makes me sound stupid when I try to talk to Women’s Aid but I think I need to keep trying. I get so nervous and anxious talking about myself and think I’m so boring or like an old record.

Sending so much love and hugs to you X*X

[KIP.]

My doctors and psychiatrist and psycologist all wrote me off with depression and anxiety. Kept me drugged up for years which made it easy for him to carry on his abuse. Not one of the them mentioned domestic abuse. Most weren’t interested in the cause. Just hand out the ‘cure’. One in three women with mental health problems have been abused, you’d think they would have that in their heads as a soon as we walk in their door! I was badly let down by the health service and the court system. Time to rise up and change things for the women who will sadly follow X

[Imogen]

It is a horrific statistic. I wonder how my mental health has deteriorated from being with him and why I have let that happen to me. I want to be strong so desperately. You fantastic ladies are helping so very much. Thank you X

[anna]

Hi Imogen,
you are not silly to ask questions or to be confused about what to do. Posting here is a healthy sign you are realising that you do not have to feel isolated or ashamed and can reach out. Unfortunately as the other ladies have said people who have not been abused do not really understand how to support or give advice to victims. just before i ended my relationship with mum i asked a few friends for advice they all said stay and put firm boundaries in place! such as if I was to get screamed at down the phone to calmly tell my mum not to do it or I would put the phone down. The main issue i think is that most kind empathic people dont realise some people are just plain nasty have no willingness or ability to change. But their kind hearts just dont want to think that. The amount of people that would say to me when i stated my mum does not like or love me oh but of course she does! What they mean is they personally could not imagine not loving or having their own childrens best interests at heart so they pass their own good qualties onto the abuser.
As the other ladies have suggested ring the help line do a bit of reading on domestic abuse if you can do that safely without your partner seeing/finding out. And remember you can have time to think it all through if you are not in immediate physical danger.

[Imogen]

Hi Anna,

It is reassuring to know I can come here to discuss things. It’s hard to find moments away from everyone to call Women’s Aid between home and work. I worry about trusting my friends, so many of which I have met through him. I made a number of my own friends who are so very caring at work. Two of them know about this and it was one who pointed me in the direction of women’s aid. That same friend out and out said I was being abused the minute I explained things.

It’s hard to hear people say things like “that’s what marriage is about” or “he loves you so much”. I guess it is so easy for people to apply generic common sense or logic and assume everyone is ok.

The funny thing is, if I did just go, I don’t think there aren’t any friends I would feel I’d miss. I feel so detached from them because I can’t talk to them.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Imogen

I felt like I had mental health issues, I had my doctor send me for an assessment. Turn out I wasn’t going mad it was him and I am suffering PTSD due to the length of time I have been abused. Sadly until I get out of the situation I’m in I can’t be treated for it.

As I have distance myself from my abuser I am getting stronger and less hyper.

Work is my salvation, my life is quite grim at times but I focus on good moments that keeps me going.

You will get there.

FS xx

[Imogen]

Hey Falling Skys,

I feel there are similarities. I had been diagnosed and am recovering from PTSD albeit from an external situation, however, I sometimes wonder how I would have managed and dealt with it if I were not in this relationship.

I feel work is my escape and I love being there. You are inspiring and encouraging me to get there. I mean that sincerely, thank you x

[Author]

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