How do I “get over it” and move on 😕

[Imtryingtosurvive]

Hi, I’m new on here but really in need of some advise from ladies like yourselves who have been through similar to me.

I up and left my husband in (detail removed by moderator) with help from my family, I fled with my children after almost (detail removed by moderator) of abuse. Since then I’ve been struggling and finding life really hard.
I never really noticed the abuse for years I don’t know if it was to subtle to notice or wether I just chose to ignore it, but when lockdown hit I really noticed it, sorry if I’m rambling I havnt opened up and spoken much about things. My ex was furloughed but I continued working with the nature of my job, I worked all day every day I was exhausted, I had no help at all with house chores, the kids, not anything really. Life became unbareable and I hit a really low point, I opened up and told my friend everything, all the years of abuse I’d had and broke down. My family removed me and my kids from my home and moved us in with my parents, life seemed even harder since then, I struggle with depression, anxiety and heart palpitations, I’m on a concoction of medication. Since leaving I tried to end my life – luckily my friend found me and I was taken to hospital. Since then I have undergone intense counselling but feel that I need more. I have things logged with the police and me and my kids are under high alert.
Again sorry if I’m rambling and not making sense.
It’s not till I spoke with the police that I realised aswell as the mental and emotional abuse I had also had sexual abuse, I didnt understand it. However since reading some of your stories on that topic that now I completely understand what the police were saying although I cant quite say the words out loud. I find I’m struggling a lot and having a lot of bad days where all I do is cry and feel like I can’t cope. Please give me some advise on how to get over all this and move on for my kids xx

Thankyou in advance xx

[KIP.]

Your story is similar to mine and I remember feeling like I’d never recover. Not even knowing how to begin to recover but you do recover. It will take time to undo the years of abuse and brainwashing you’ve been through. Be very kind to yourself. I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. Try to take things one hour at a time. Find some mindfulness exercises for you all. Get support from your local women’s aid. Good therapy. I needed a couple of years worth. I too could not say certain words out loud because of the sexual abuse. Take all the help offered and I found this site life saving. Other women who had walked in my shoes. We are here to support you all the way x

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Imtryingtosurvive

I just wanted to show you some support – your situation sounds so painful. You’ve done the most incredibly brave thing to leave – you should be so proud of yourself, that shows so much strength. Be really kind to yourself, you’ve been through so much. Take one day at a time. Small steps. It will get easier, it will take time. We’re all here for you. Sending a hug x

[iliketea]

Sending you so much strength but you have a whole load of it already because you’ve made the biggest step and are out. This is all very normal. How you are feeling. Your description of what happened is exactly what I experienced too. KIP’s recommendations are really good, she suggested them to me too just before the start of lockdown and I listened to Shannon Thomas in secret on Audible and it was life changing for me. I still go back to it to remember and remind myself. Getting over it will take time, and learning about what you’ve experienced. There will be a lot of unpacking to do. Especially if you were together for years. Have you contacted your local domestic abuse charity? See if you can have trauma counselling. That should be available to you. If not there, ask your GP, or self refer via talking therapies. It sounds as if you could have c-PTSD, which is totally normal for having experienced what you have. Try all those routes before anything else. Also search your local area and see if any places offer reduced rate or free counselling sessions, some are at the moment to women who have experienced DA, as they recognise the impact Covid has had.

Have you tried running or cycling? Either could help with your palpitations, which are possibly due to anxiety. Something that gets the blood going and endorphins will really help. I’ve experienced that too. Listen to a funny podcast or something educational about DA, either I found made the time go really quickly and made it 100% worth it. Never done either before in my life!!

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? That could help you too, joining a group of other women to learn about DA, the different aspects of it and to have support locally. Some are back to running face-to-face groups, some are online.

And post here, ask ANY question, someone will answer, and usually really quickly. Search through old posts. For me, what has helped is:
1) Educating myself about Domestic Abuse, N********m, Co-Dependency, Trauma, Parts Therapy and trauma bonding
2) Getting all the professional support possible – from Domestic Abuse Charity, IDVA, GP, counselling, talking therapies, school, work, solicitor, police etc
3) Podcasts – short ones on DA by Caroline Strawson, bitesize about all different aspects, eye opening, down to earth. Id say dont be tempted to join any of her paying groups as its all there on the podcasts for free 🙂
4) Exercise – I am also on anti-depressants but exercise and eating properly have both really helped.
5) Getting out into nature, gardening, anything like that, away from people, just to ground.
6) Im slowly realising that I have a lot of very similar n**********c/abusive friends in my life, not on such an extreme level as my ex but in very similar ways, make me feel the same, i behave the same around them – so, as lots of people here have said they have done too – I am slowly de-toxing them too.
7) Self care – self love – looking after yourself, treating yourself, however small, every day. Something nice. To make you feel worthy, because you are.
8) Journaling every day, and also write it all out, your experience with him, I did this for the legal part, a historical time-line, it can be scary to see it on paper, but it is also very therapeutic, eye-opening. It will really help to get it out of your head. And you can refer back to it in the future if you ever feel you are wobbling and questioning yourself “Was it that bad really?”.
9) LEARNING ABOUT BOUNDARIES – this has been the number one helpful thing to me on this healing journey, I had not a clue about them, how they worked, what they are, why we need them.

Stay strong, it will get better, you will feel like you’ve moved on, life will feel safe and happy and secure. Take small steps. Put yourself at the centre of a protected golden circle with your children in there too. And guard that circle very carefully and monitor who you let in and who you don’t. You will be ok, big hug. x*x

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