How do I get past this?

[Anonymous]

How do I stop trying to get the relationship with my mam that I deserved growing up? A compassionate mam with a listening ear who encourages me to do my best and is there for me with a hug when I’m down. I never got that. Instead, I got a mam who would point at me threateningly, teeth bared and jaw clenched as she told me how angry I made her, because I tried talking to her about something I was worried/anxious about and she couldn’t be bothered with the conversation. I got a mam who would tell me she doesn’t do empathy, when I’m stood arms out, asking for a hug and crying. I got a mam who never said sorry, not once, and who would only talk positively about me when it benefited her. I got a mam who would never ask me how I am, and if I tried telling her she’d make it clear she wasn’t interested, only to then turn to my sibling and ask them how they are. I felt discriminated against, bullied, and unwanted and unloved – I still do. So why do I still have hope and still try for a good relationship with my mam? When I tell her that I’m trying, she tells me that I burned that bridge years ago when I was a child – a immense guilt to put on a child’s shoulders and leaves me wondering what I did wrong constantly. She told me she hated me once, she tried backtracking but you can’t take that back. I’m tired of being spoken to like I’m less than human

[diymum@1]

im sorry youve gone through this and still are xx i can relate because my mum was too unwell to show me love (anyone tbh) your mum has walls up by the sounds off it. this is by no means your fault and to say this to you as an innocent child is not right on her part. her own upbringing and beliefs will have had alot to do with how she behaves. its normal to crave the love of our parents and we want to feel like theyre proud off us – sometimes people dont have the ability to show us this. i see it all around me – denial – anger negative emotions. sometimes its ok to let go off wanting this from your mum – it sounds like it might be unobtainable i gave up years ago trying to impress my mum and her side off the family. make yourself proud – go do your studies and do your youl get your self esteem back that way. i know that craving feeling and it can be exhausting concentrate on you and your little family and life xx your son be the best you feel you can be thats what i try to do. i have my moments and get really insecure but keep pushing thru 🙂 much love diymum x

[savingthestars]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. My mum suffers severe mental health issues, and when she goes black she says things like I am the reason that she wants to kill herself, and that I asked for the bad things that happened in my life, including breaking up her relationship with my (detail removed by moderator) father… and said that she wished i had been adopted instead of my siblings, so I get where you are coming from. Sometimes I think we need to tell ourselves that they will never be ‘that mum’ I know its hard, it took me many many years, and the council putting her in a home, after she’d (detail removed by moderator) a few times to finally except it. What I did was work on me. I accepted that my mum has an issue which made her unable to be the mum i imagined in the magazines. I was going to be that mum to myself; I was going to give myself a hug once in a while – get a robe, hot chocolate, a big pot of mint choc and a glass of wine. I would write in my diary all the things i have accomplished, and give myself the thought “if anyone else had gone through this, would they still be here? Still fighting?” I have separated myself from my family now, because I realized that they were affecting my mental health. I still speak to mum, but not so close as to be told that I am that much of a let down. When mum does start, I just zone out and think this is mums issue and this will not change. I am stronger than that.

[resilient]

Hi sweetdisposition!
I am so sorry you were treated that way. It is hurtful. It is difficult and takes time ti recover.
I experienced similar with my mother. I read something and it struck me. “Well, you don’t keep coming back to the table if you’ve had enough to eat in the first place.”
It has taken a while but my understanding of abuse is developing. I am content that I will never have that mother. We never deserved to be treated how we have – not by anyone.

[starqueen]

I’m so sorry you went through that, everyone deserves loving and nurturing parents. I’ve gone through something similar with my dad, and there have been a few things that helped me. I joined an amazing support group at my local women’s centre, I’m doing the Freedom Programme, and I’m still trying to accept that although I won’t have the loving and nurturing relationship with my dad that I deserve, I can find love and belonging with others. I hope you can find those others to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Also, resilient, I love that quote you posted about not returning to the table when you’ve had enough to eat! It really struck a chord with me.

[lover of no contact]

Another similar quote is “ There’s no point going to the Hardware store looking for bread.”

There’s no point going to my abuser mum (I had one too!) looking for normal behaviour with no games or put-downs or silent treatments, neglect etc.

However it’s amazing how life turns out. My mum has early stage of dementsia etc so her games have stopped and she is so easy to be around now. I never could have envisaged this change. Life is strange.

[HopeLifeJoy]

What a blessing dementia is. The mum of my abusive ex was abusive too and since (detail removed by moderator) she’s living in an senior home diagnosed with dementia at (detail removed by moderator)!! That’s so early. Last time I saw her she was as nice as a lamb. Haha. Karma came to bite her. There is some justice, it’s divine!

 

 

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