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After (detail removed by Moderator) years with this man I don’t think I even know the difference between a healthy relationship and the mess I am in. There are so many different things that turn into an explosion and I work full time. Most of the time I just need to get through the day so I accept whatever from him in order to do that.
Maybe if I talk about yesterday as a start but everything has background and other things so its so hard to tell the full story properly. So we had a ‘good day’ yesterday for us that means I’m ignoring the washing and cleaning and food shopping I need to do, to go along with whatever he wants to do…(Detail removed by Moderator)
He calls me an emotional bully often, but he will bellow at me until I cry and then mock me for.crying. in my whole life no one has ever been as horrible to me as some of the things he says, even people I’ve not got along with, you tend to just avoid he will scream in my face that I’m worthless then says I’m a n********t ic I say I feel worthless…but I do. Nothing in my home is how I would want it, everything has to meet his needs. I get too scared to swap the cupboards around coz he will kick off, (Detail removed by Moderator). I’ve blocked him for the time being as I can’t read his spite and try and smile through work. He is probably qt home right now packing his clothes into one of my suitcases, then he will play xbox all day then he won’t leave even though he threatened too all day, he will.just ignore.me this evening like im not even there. I already don’t want to go home, but its my home. He is already on bail for fighting with random men last year, if I have him removed he will likely be arrested and he will be even worse to me. Then after a couple.days he will gradually talk to me again and then we will be ‘good but when we are good I literally have to do everything exactly as he wants even if that means there’s no clean washing or shopping for the week. If he is talking to me when I get back it will only be am hour before he.kkcks off because there is nothing in the fridge for.dinner tonight, I’ve been at work all morning and achieved nothing yet im suppose to skip around tescos later unsure if he is even at home or left or what!? Then whatever i did buy, he won’t want…or hel take it but begrudgingly. He has bombarded me with insulting threatening texts this morning….but (Detail removed by Moderator) where in amongst all of that am I supposed to deal with it…and how can I possibly be a bully when I feel completely out of control of e eye aspect of.my life? All my money goes.om the home he sits.in all day and.je contributes whatever he feels like (Detail removed by Moderator) He can afford to pay it one, he won’t. He will say my son is a liar so.we don’t deserve his help !? Even though it.wouldmt be help, it would actually be him paying his own way. If I.asl him yo leave he threatens so.much and then doesn’t leave anyway, where would he go. Where else is there such a sweet deal for him? How do I keep strong when he is.alreadg claiming.tp prove.to the.world how I’ve abused and controlled him? I have no friends.left, no family and even my colleagues hate him. He meets people and has to make sure he is the lion regardless.of the.circstamces or how unnecessary it is, they must know he is.a.lion
Really I just want to be able to defend.myself im not horrible and I work hard. If he really hates me so much, why will he still be there when I get home. I end up.hidomg.in my room, my son goes.out or sits in his room and my lovely front room I decorated by myself and Once really loved gets turned into his.domaim where no one can go.
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Oh lovely your post actually bought tears to my eyes, for two reasons. One I can hear your pain and desperation, secondly this was my life word for word except I have a daughter. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do chores when he was around but would be shouted at if his clothes weren’t ready for next morning. My daughter would be accused of all sorts but she’s actually a really good teen and I was called such nasty things. He would tell me how he could ‘take’ anyone on the street and act the big man infront of everyone. So how can I help?
Well, I’m recently out. It’s a journey but you and your son deserve so much more than this, it’s no life. Your son only gets one childhood and although he’s older, he’ll be picking up on all this and it’ll affect your relationship and his future ones.
Keeping a log – I used notes on my phone hidden as a shopping list and way down the page so even if he clicked into that list he couldn’t see it. Others on here email themselves – could you send it to your work address then delete the sent email? There’s apps you can lock with a password but I never tried those.
You’re right, he’ll still be there tonight or he’ll be out drinking and stay out all night to make you worry. Or, you’ll walk in and he’ll be normal as if nothing happened. I remember that fear and anxiety driving home not knowing what you’d get, the knot in my stomach when my child got home. We’d all be upstairs by early evening hiding from him meaning I had to stash snacks and drinks upstairs for the kids. It’s no way to live.
Is the house in your sole name? If you haven’t already then read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and watch dr Ramani, use this forum, reach out to woman’s aid chat system or phone. You can get out of this xxxxx
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Nineteen his calling you rotten a n********t and a bully are actually projections of who he is (abusers do this all the time) they also like to pretend that so many people think your a certain way and agree with them where more often than not it’s just lies they make up to intimidate and keep you insecure and paranoid, abusers keep on losing people they know so have no worry that he’s gonna out you for fake abuse, you’ve tolerated more than enough now, it’s your home he doesn’t contribute, causes more problems than need be and is aggressive in trying to get you to bully your son then has a huge tantrum about it, he clearly has issues (through his treatment of you and antisocial behaviour with men in pubs)I know your scared of him and his behaviour has trained you to be a certain way but I really think that getting him gone is long overdue (you’ll probably need outside help for this)whether you feel able to do that is another thing and your safety should come first but you can ring the (removed by Moderator) helpline or women’s aid for advice, you probably don’t want to leave your home as it is yours or I would have advised going into refuge (but I’ve got a feeling you don’t want to do that) anyway keep posting so we know how your getting on ps we know your not bad we know full well what abusers do and how they try to blame and twist things
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Thank you. I’m proud of my teen I feel like if I let him out with his friends later il be the worst parent e ever and it will be his justification to ignore me all evening and sleep on my sofa…but my son actually did nothing wrong yesterday. I was satisfied, but thats not enough. Plus letting him out for a while gets him out of the horrible atmosphere. I just want my space back, but getting him to actually go requires even more of my energy and its already spent. I’ve done nothing at work today and my partner has probably slept half the morning and is now playing computer games sat there telling himself and anyone who will listen how hard done by he is.
I have note pads from over the years and sometimes if I read it back I can’t believe he has been treating me this way for a decade…but logging it in notepads hasn’t helped, I will still feel sick all the way home and when I get there I will wish I was back at work. He says he was abused as a child so its apparently impossible for him to be abusive the fact that he doesn’t physically hit us means we should be greatfull, apparently if I got with a new man he will definalty beat me because I’m lucky current partner is so cool and collected and doesn’t hit me despite me being so vile to live with. He calls me a bully constantly and he is so much better with words, I end up rambling, confused and not even sure what I’m defending. There is never a resolution he just eventually accepts all.my faults and declares himself a hero. I will look for that book on my audible…maybe have a listen today seeing as I’m getting no work done. Its so hard being at work, using almost 3/4 of my wage to pay for my home and he is probably there on my sofa right now, curtains all closed, room smoked out, porn on the TV. Its gotten to the.point my sofa grosses me out, he keeps sleeping and sweating all over it then my front room is where he does all of his self satisfying….he will literally leave the baby oil on my coffee table he wants me to see it. If I say anything, its all because I don’t appreciate him enough and if I would just do exactly as I’m told at all.times it would be fine. I really think the communal part of our home should be for everybody but.its full of his stuff, literally old boxers on the sofa screwed up like its his right. Even when I read back what I’ve written there’s so much more back story and other stuff but I.dont want to clear my name anymore,I don’t care if people belove his lies, I just wanna Potter round my house, looking after my things making it all nice, but he says that’s not ok, everything has to be set up for his.convieniance…he will use the bath, get out and walk away, then hours later.wnen I get home there is his dirty bath water chances are 5he toilet is blocked and ANY slight sign of annoyance from me is shot.down immediately by saying what a w***e I am. In his imagination I have the energy and mental space to have a couple men that wait around for me to pop to tescos or leave a little earlier for work so they can have 5minutee quicky. If I really had all these men waiting around the corner, men that would probably.pay their own way and respect my home why does he think he is soo great I would completely pay for all his living cost, rent, council tax Internet all of that and have independqny capable men willing to get 5 minutes around the.corner..and what is wrong with these men that they would accept that??..and I still manage to get the shopping done. He seems to think he is that notorious and that desirable that even these phantom men are just using me coz I know him. !?He has (detail removed by Moderator) declared he is leaving and plans to humiliate me as if this life with him isn’t humiliating enough. Honestly I hope he does leave but I know he won’t. I just sat for 5 hours af work and did nothing…so mmy work week is getting busier and busier and I just keep fantasising about getting in my car and driving and driving and driving I really don’t care where. I will look up what you suggested now. Sometimes I cope and I can completely disregard his warped opinions today I feel like I’m failing at everything and any benefits there are to my life he gets all of them. So why am I here working for him basically. I want my space back, my clean house with all my little bits I’ve treasured and (detail removed by Moderator). Reading through here is eye opening, so ma.y people saying things I couldn’t have put.into words…he completely dumbfuddles me and I end up defending the fact I was ever born. Defending family members of mine he hasn’t even met because he just declares people things, he doesn’t know them or anything about them but he will tell me with certainty he knows people ‘like them therfore he is already over informed and obviously his perception of them is correct. (Detail removed by Moderator). He calls everyone except himself ‘the general public’ and no matter what subject we are discussing he will tell me.ive misunderstood everything and I’m wrong…even if we are talking about innocent children being shot at school. He disgusts me, but I still constantly.strive for.his approval. I need out but he has no where to go and won’t go. Do i really want.the ordeal of police and dreaded social services? I’m gonna read up a little for now but thanks for listening/reading this has already helped me just get through this.morning. xxxx
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This is all so so familiar I even thought for a minute have we been seeing the same man lol, the toilet being blocked, bath water left in, dirty clothes littered everywhere, lube and drug paraphernalia left on the sofa or table where kids play etc. I’d watch him open a packet of crisps or eat sweets and throw the wrappers on the living room floor as if they’d disappear.
Police and social services are daunting but are there to help. Is there any support at work, a trusted manager or an EAP service? What about your GP? Worse case, you can do this alone but it helps getting support.
Hold him at his word that he’s leaving and it’s over. If safe to do so ask for a date he’s leaving – be prepared he will throw all his toys out the pram and you’ll get every version of him from vile to lovely as he tries to work out the best way to get you compliant again, but your goal is your home peaceful again. Even when he’s nice keep on plan about him leaving. It’s hard but end result is worth it. x
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Thank you Auriel, the (location based helpline removed by Moderator) is new.to me I will Google thank you xx
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He’s a disgusting parasite, you’ve got the polarities the wrong way around cos of how he’s made you feel and (like most abusers) hes got the attitude of a tolerating angel, the council have to find him somewhere if he’s homeless but he’s draining all your resources and treating you like a slave as if he’s a king, the dwp would have a field day with him if they knew of his capabilities (maybe he was abused as a child if so he needs therapy and needs to understand its not ok to repeat it towards innocent people) also the number I gave might not be your local area but they’ll give anyone advice on getting out and will listen to you, your abuser is a capable grown man and not a vulnerable child and he needs to stop being treated specially he doesn’t deserve it 🌳🧞♀️🌳
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I feel le I’ve put too much into that home. I stayed with my sister for a while once and he was just super comfy at my house whilst I knconvienianced my sisters household and uprooted my son…I also slept on the.floor coz only one bed and my sister doesn’t even breathe in her perfect living room so I wouldn’t have dreamed i could sleep (detail removed by Moderator). I avoid her as much as I can coz I’m embarrassed of my house, he.makes everything gross, shaves literally anywhere onto anything uses everything as a hanger, his clothes.are.ov3r every chair, every door, every anywhere he cam hang stuff and heaven forbid I move anything. Xx
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Entitlement, abusers have an overwhelming sense of it it’s part of their pathology (it’s part of them)🤗🤗🤗
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Nineten, this all sounds unbearable. Yet, you have put up with everything for a decade at least. You may feel weak and beat down but how strong you truly are!
You want out but where to start? Maybe you feel paralysed, stuck? Break everything down into manageable steps.
You have your sister for support (she’s been there for you, even if she’s annoying). You also have your employer on your side. Your son will also be backing you up. Talk to all of them, ask for help. You will be believed. You won’t be judged. Probably they will be relieved you’ve finally confided in them.
Get professional legal and financial advice. You need facts to make informed decisions. Find a solicitor with experience in abuse cases.
Keep your partner in the dark. You don’t owe him anything, he’s a sponger at the very least. Where he goes or how he supports himself is not your responsibility. Imagine that!!
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