How do I know it’s not happening again

[hop]

I’ve started seeing someone really recently. He’s a really kind, gentle guy who knows a lot of what has gone on. He has a psychiatric disorder which is managed but his obsess e nature is different to mine and he just dismisses me saying things that I worry about are nothing. He’s started saving money and (detail removed by moderator) I bought some drugs because I don’t like drinking and I spent a fraction of what I normally would but he wouldn’t stop going on about spending the money on the kids and him. He doesn’t affiliate the amount I’ve spent on alcohol in the time I know him and this trivial amount of cash as being in anyway the same. He says he cares about my mental health and says I’m not doing myself any favours but in my mind and science points to alcohol being way more dangerous. He keeps talking about the future and about Christmas which are both sources of worry and I’ve tried to tell him but he brushes it off and says giving presents is something people do. I can’t bear having to accept gifts off people. My ex never got me anything and I’d rather something well thought out than hundreds and hundreds of pounds being spent on me because I feel so uncomfortable and undeserving and usually when people spend money like that it’s so I can be trapped in.
He gets really excited about things and I’ve fallen for him in a big way but I’m worried that he that he’s trying to control me. I really don’t know if it’s natural worry or something more. I’ve known him since we were young and I don’t think he’s a bad man but my hangups make it really hard to know if I’m sensitive or not

[fizzylem]

Hi, yes it’s easy to feel tipped off balance in a new or next relationship, so it’s great that you are asking these questions, shows us you are keeping a check on it, listening to how you feel and trying to work out why.

The present thing is a problem all of us face, whether there is abuse or not; yes abusers use gifts to try and buy affection, smooth things over, leave us feeling obligated, endetted etc, or in my case him doing nothing or very little left me feeling unimportant and alone, that he doesn’t know me at all does he, but I think if you ask anyone in the UK how they feel about gift giving it stirs a lively debate. It’s ok if you can afford to do it to start, we all need to live within our means if we are to be happy, or is this ok? Even if you can afford to do it? Should we all now be more mindful of the stuff we’re consuming from the planet? Asking ourselves do we really need it? There’s a very strong arguement these days for not buying plastic or being wasteful, conserving energy and resources – for these reasons – Christmas needs to change massively for me.

I’m afraid I’m with him on the drugs thing, can see why he doesn’t like you to do this, for you and your health; I don’t think the arguement here is he spends more on alcohol and that’s worse. I suspect that both of you would rather not do drugs or alcohol, but it needs to be personal choice that prevents you from buying these things. Arguing against him prevents you from looking at the real issue here, makes it his fault, or partly to blame – which is untrue, yes it was/is your choice, but you didn’t make the best decision for yourself on this occassion, that’s ok, up to you, but guess you need to own this hey. Maybe next time you will choose not to? Perhaps you both need to discuss a strategy for the future here re how you could help each other? How you will handle things if the other falls off the wagon?

If you felt guilty for buying the gear then it is not him making you feel guilty is it? You feel guilty because you bought it and know this was not really the best decision for you.

Have you considered some counselling to help you process how you feel in relation to him? Might help x

[hop]

I was drinking as well, not him. He just wasn’t bothered about the amount I was drinking.
I’ve spoken to him (detail removed by moderator) and he said he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable and he’s trying to reign it in but he just wants me to be happy and healthy. I believe him. He says he remembers a time when he felt as anxious as I do know where everything bothered and he just wants me to be ok. He dies seem super caring but I’m seriously not used to anything like this and I don’t know how to be normal and not analyse everything he says and does. I’ve had immense pressure this week every day something I’ve had to do concerning my ex and abuse. I’m exhausted and I can’t work out if I should be worried or not.

[KIP.]

Hi, dealing with your ex and his abuse will leave you on high alert and re traumatised and exhausted. That’s not a good time to assess any relationship. Wait till things are calmer in your life and look at things with a fresh clear head. He sounds like he’s worried about you and that’s a good thing. I’d be worried too as drink and drugs are not healthy choices. Communication is key. So wait till you’re both in a good place and talk it through. Tell him you’re not used this kind of behaviour and it will take time for you to adjust. Be open and honest without being critical. You’re going to have to take baby steps and experience new relationships to build healthy ones x

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