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Husband had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He calls the ‘demon’ in his head a different name to his, and blames him for saying and doing the hurtful things. The ‘demon’ belittles me and shouts and stops me leaving the house. Husband is always so apologetic and tells me he loves me.
He is getting help for mental health but I don’t know what is a symptom of depression and anxiety and what is an excuse?
I feel guilty as I want to leave him, but I can’t if he’s ill, and I am abandoning him when he’s at his lowest.
I’ve posted here a few times but it’s just so hard to know what’s real -
Does the demon abuse you in front of witnesses?
Does the demon abuse police officers or anyone else who can have him arrested?
If not then he knows what he’s doing and the demon is quite conveniently hidden away till you’re alone.
There is no excuse for domestic abuse. I have anxiety and depression and PTSD and I don’t abuse anyone. It’s a choice. My advice is to get out and get out as quickly and as safely as you can. He’s not your responsibility.
I’m sure you’ve been trying for years to make this work and he would have simply moved the goal posts x
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Well then he can control himself when he wants to. Classic domestic abuser. He is choosing to abuse you and blaming it on anything else he can think of. Please don’t fall for his manipulation. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he will be fine on his own. He will just find another victim to suck the life from. Look after yourself x
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Yes KIP, I totally agree.
Oaktree, read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft to better understand what causes abuse.
You said you want to leave, well that’s enough reason to leave! The guilt hooking you is probably fear in disguise. Fear is very clever at tricking us to not risks making changes.
Ultimately, if you stay you are sacrificing your physical and mental health, your happiness and your chance for a happy fulfilling life for somebody who may never pick himself up. How many more years would it be ok to put your life on hold?
Another perspective is that by staying we give the abuser an easy way to continue the abuse. Like giving an addict drugs. Sure if you leave he could find someone else to abuse, but that’s not your problem. I don’t think being abusive is good for the abuser’s emotional wellbeing so you could say that leaving is helping him. If he really is that sorry, may be you leaving will give him more motivation to deal with his issues. It may even be that his demon is his excuse to abuse you, in which case there could be a bit of him that doesn’t want to deal with his mental health issues.
But, I doubt dealing with the mental health issues will stop him being abusive because abuse is really caused by the belief that it’s ok to treat you like that – as long as it’s behind closed doors.
Nobody has the obligation to suffer because of somebody else’s unresolved issues. You have every right to leave and if he has true, genuine love for you (rather than selfish clinging) he’ll understand that in time.
Sending love xxxx
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How do you know he’s been diagnosed with anxiety and depression? Is it just his word on this or have you been to see the doctor with him? Who is he gettin Help from with his mental health. It’s not uncommon for people to have anxiety and depression to some extent. It can be small and manageable and pass quickly. Don’t let him use it as an excuse for abuse. Don’t call him out on his lies. It’s dangerous for you x
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KIP
I haven’t been to the docs with him, but he has been prescribed stuff. He is doing some online sessions on things like coping mechanisms starting (detail removed by Moderator).
I also called the GP with my concerns but they put that on my notes not his, as he is allowed to see his own records.It has made me think though about these anxiety/panic attacks though…they are always at home, behind closed doors, and in front of me. I’d never really noted that before
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My ex would use any excuse to regain control and elicit sympathy to try and change my mind. He once said he had lumps on his testicles. Used his mums cancer diagnosis as an excuse for us not splitting up calling me heartless. This was ages after. There is no depth they won’t sink to. Doing an online course and having some prescription medication is not unusual. It’s not exactly being sectioned. We know the populations mental health overall is suffering because of lockdown. What about outside the home? Does he work? Is he managing doing things he wants to do? What’s the cause of his anxiety and depression? What are his doctors saying is causing it. I start an online course next week for anxiety and I’m not abusive to anyone x
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See if you can google the medication he’s on. Not that it matters but it might give you an idea about how serious the docs are being. It will be some kind of common medication. Lots of doctors reach for the prescription pad when they should be finding the cause of depression. He could be depressed because he knows you are onto him and his game of manipulation x
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Of course, Oaktree, it’s always our fault that the abuser is anxious/depressed/suicidal…
Please put that thought firmly to the back of your mind because it’s not true. The damage the abuser endured happened a long, long time before we came along. The only medication that made my ex more bearable and less awful were serious old-fashioned anti-depressants. He didn’t take them for long, and the more regular drugs had no effect on him at all.
Abusers live in a false reality. They may well be depressed and anxious, but in order to heal, they will have to shine a bit of light into some very dark places. Most of them won’t do that.
Mental distress is no excuse for abuse. He is very much in control of his behaviour, and it’s not your fault. Please start extracting yourself from his web of lies and manipulation. His behaviour isn’t about you.
He’ll probably be receiving some kind of online Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it’s really not specialised enough to have much of an impact on him.
It’s very difficult to admit to oneself that one is being abused. It’s a massive step. You’re making that step. Well done!
You won’t be able to change his behaviour, and you can only protect yourself. Please keep posting and speak to Women’s Aid or to the Domestic Abuse team on 101 to find local real life support.
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He’s keeping you hooked in with this story and he’s probably just going through the motions to look credible. When you aren’t hooked back in by his mental healthy fantasy he will change the goal posts and use another tactic to keep you hooked in and round and round you go. What prompted him to go to the doctors about his depression. Did you threaten to leave?
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Hi KIP, yes before (detail removed by Moderator) I stood up for myself and threatened to leave, which is when he went. He says he’s suffered for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years (all the time I have said he has been angry and aggressive), but that he’s been ignoring it. So now he’s gone to the doctors and got in touch with relate for counselling, and it generally desperately trying to save the marriage (except when he’s shouted and me and calling me names……but that’s not him, that’s the illness…)
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Of course he thinks you’re responsible for his depression and anxiety. That gives him the excuse to abuse you and not look at his own issues.
Did the abuse start before the panic attacks? No need to answer here, I’m not trying to quiz you! 😀 Anxiety/depression can exacerbate abuse but they don’t cause it.
So, you caused the anxiety/depression that creates the demon that abuses only you… and only when nobody else is around… It sounds like he’s be better off if you left.
If you stay to help him, as others have said, you’ll never be able to meet his expectations, because he falsely believes you’re responsible for all his problems and therefore falsely believes you can solve them by doing what he says.
I know we’re probably all sounding really negative but if you want to leave then it really is the best thing to do. Xxxx
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Please, please don’t engage with relationship counselling. Please seek for yourself specialist trauma counselling.
Relationship counsellors will gaslight you. The abuser will use sessions to gather data.
He’s probably seeking counselling to justify himself. What he learns from that he will use against you.
He’s a sad, pathetic cowardly little boy in an adult body. You weren’t there when it happened. You can’t help him
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I see so many similarities to my marriage here 😞
My husband…
Done online classes.
Blamed mental health
Blamed me
Nobody else saw, only me
I wanted to help him in beginning but it only ended up with me hurting
He would go to Dr but not let me go with him
He would be so genuine that it would melt me and give him the attention he wanted.
The list goes on but I now know that mental health isn’t excuse for abuse. Mental health would effect others too but my husband, it’s just aimed at me. I’m so sorry your going through this. This forum is the best place for you to be. Even if it’s just too get comfort from others. Sometimes at night I just look on the site and don’t post, just so I feel around people who understand. My husband believes it’s all my fault and in all this time, he still believes it in times of his anger but when calm he says sorry he didn’t mean it. Then anger again and said it again. It drives me crazy.♥️
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Thanks everyone.
I’m not sure who to turn to next for help… the GP knows, from what you say Relate will make it worse…. I don’t know what to do
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The advice I was given us go to the appointment with him. He was also given a community link worker who tried to see what was happening. It started off she thought he was not well and I think by the end she stopped replying. But she got him to see specialists. Dunno if that helps but just remember no excuse for abuse. Can’t stress that enough. Mental health isn’t an excuse….I thought it was but now I don’t. I tried to help him for months. Mental health will effect everyone. I think that’s when I started to think, my husband should have mental health at all times but just inside the home and against me
♥️
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The Domestic Abuse team on 101 will be able to guide you to local support. Women’s Aid will hold your hand as well.
Recognising abuse for what it is, is heavy. Please get as much help as you can to lighten the load. (detail removed by Moderator) As KIP has said, if it’s your fault he’s so miserable, it’s your Get Out of Jail Free card. It’s not the depression causing the problems. It’s the abuse.
You’ve done really well in recognising that there’s something wrong. It’s not your fault. You’re not his therapist, and he’s unlikely to change. It’s so difficult escaping the web of abuse. You’ve taken the first steps. Please keep posting and reaching out.
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He knows you want out of this relationship and he will try anything to stop you. Emotional blackmail included. Nothing you can do will ever be enough. You’re going to spend the rest of your life trying to please him when he doesn’t want you to. He will simply move the goal posts and use this storyline to keep you trapped for as long as he can. He’s not interested in getting better. He’s not interested in what you want or your health or even getting help. He doesn’t want help. He wants to continue to abuse you. I’d make a safe exit plan and don’t tell him. He is sucking the life from you like the emotional vampires they are.
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I wanted to shout no no no! when I read that he says you cause the abuse but you’re the only one who can help him. That is insanity. How can the supposed cause of the problem also be the only solution? Surely you’d only be able to help if you fundamentally changed yourself. And of course you can’t do that for somebody else. But of course you don’t need to change because you’re not the cause
Both you being the cause and the solution are nonsense. He is passing all his responsibility to you. Abuse is always about the abuser. Is it this thread or another where somebody said “no excuse for abuse”? And he’s the one who needs to help him. You do not have to sacrifice yourself for him. What if it took 20 years for him to “get better” or more?
It sounds like you’re caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) of abuse. He is a master manipulator like all abusers. He’s had years to work out how to push your buttons.
Our primary purpose in life is always to look after ourselves (and children). You can’t really support someone who is abusing you. You just do your best to survive. Staying with him out of guilt is lose lose. If you stay you will lose more of yourself. You deserve freedom and happiness.
Sending love and strength xxxx
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I have reverted back to trying to appease him. I let him touch me, I join in. And he is being nice, he made me breakfast in bed (though afterwards told me off for it because I am horrible for expecting him to do that), he de-iced the car for me before I can out to work.
Its just so much easier to go along with it. Hes not lost it completely now all weekend… -
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