How do I know?

[Missssy]

That it didn’t happen because of me? Because I’m such a disappointment to be with. Maybe he was gutted that he’d spent so long trying to get me, and then realising what a let down I was. That must be why he wanted to insult me so much.

Why did I have to make him so angry that he would threaten me, beat me, and sexually abuse me?

Maybe it was only in moments of madness that he said he loved me and couldn’t be without me, and I was the best thing that happened to him. Why would anyone feel that way about me when I’m such a stupid s**g?

Why have I betrayed him by leaving and reporting him – (detail removed by Moderator) If I had only been a better person, then maybe none of this would have happened and we would still be together?

Sorry I feel so weak. It’s been several months and I’m still in this place. I’m sorry 🙁

[Pondlife]

Feel so much for you right now.

Please don’t think this is about you. It isn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong. Abusive people look for anything and everything to bring you down. Literally, the tiny things I used to do that would mean the whole weekend was a write off or I would be assaulted. Leaving a light on. Letting a door bang a fraction too loud. Reading when on a bus. Even, I am not exaggerating… breathing in a loud way when cold.

If he hurt you he could hurt others. Leaving him and reporting him was brave and vital.

It is so hard because they leave their mark and it takes a long time to stop the internal monologue of criticism.

Lots of love and hope you feel lighter soon x*x

[Freetobethegreatest]

There is NO excuse to beat someone or sexually abuse someone!! Please dont think this way 🙁

[Missssy]

Thank you for your kind words ladies.

Pondlife – so sorry you went through that, you must have felt as though you were walking on eggshells constantly! Not fair at all.

Freetobethegreatest – I would say the same to anyone else, that there is no excuse for it. It just seems that when it’s me, I can’t help but try to rationalise it and find reasons for why it happened. Like, SURELY I drove him to it, or made him feel miserable…why would he do it otherwise? Again this is just my personal view on it, I don’t think this of other survivors of abuse, just when it comes to me this is how I see it because I don’t think I’m worthy of thinking otherwise..

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Missy,

It sounds like you still have his voice in your head, feeling bad about yourself and unworthy. They make us feel like this worth their abuse, because if we felt good we wouldn’t stick around.

Have you gone no contact with him? The healing has only started since he stopped contacting me after I got the police involved. Before that he was still getting in my head and I was feeling heartbroken etc.

It sounds like you still have those trauma bonds in place and are blaming yourself for the abuse. Have you had any therapy or read up on abuse tactics? It might help your head clear out these thoughts, I have been reading a lot since leaving and it has helped me to make sense of everything although it is a journey I am still very much on. I definitely think you need to seek out some support to talk it through so you get to a place where you realise you didn’t do anything wrong, that you are a good and worthy person and didn’t deserve any of it.

[iwillbeok]

Hi ladies,

I read somewhere to write down whenever someone (friend, colleague etc) gives you genuine compliments. It can be so easy to believe the bad stuff (even non-abused people have negative self-talk) especially when our egos have been so crushed and twisted by our abusers.

That way we can look back and be affirmed that we are strong, caring, worthy people. Much like I’ve journalled about his behaviors to confirm that he was abusive – I also need to record the positive feedback to confirm I am valued and worthwhile.

Xx

[Missssy]

Hi ladies. I hope you are all ok? Thank you for your responses. I’m sorry that I always seem to post with negativity I don’t mean to bring anyone down – I just find it really difficult to believe the problem lies within him rather than being a reflection on my own shortcomings or inadequacies. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I speak to my counsellor or my family, I just can’t overcome these feelings of it being my fault and his life being rosy now that I’m not in it any longer. The mixed messages I received from him during our time together – one minute being terrified I didn’t love him and would leave him for someone better, the next minute threatening to leave me if he didn’t get what he wanted, or when he was being particularly spiteful it would be things along the lines of ‘you are not indespensible! I don’t NEED you I WANT you’. In actual fact he was probably quite dependent on me but wanted to project that feeling on to me instead, according to others. I don’t know. I kind of think, why would anyone be bothered about me leaving, when I am not a loss?

I don’t know if I make any sense. But lots of love and best wishes to you all. Sorry to always rant. X*x

[Missssy]

@SunshineRainFlower – I did go no contact yes and the police are heavily involved in this situation. I haven’t had any direct contact from him as I changed my number and (detail removed by Moderator) – but he has done things like skulking around my local area and staring at me, one of his relatives turned up at my house to discuss our child, he’s enquired about the wellbeing of a friend of mine’s partner (who he has never been friends with but knows) and there has been an image of him put on one of his relatives social media which I was previously blocked from seeing. I don’t know if these things are all coincidences or if they are more calculated than I give them credit for… but it seems that indirectly, every so often, I will either see or hear something ‘loosely’ connected to him….

[Author]

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