How do I leave

[Wonderingifitsme]

Just Need to rant

[Wonderingifitsme]

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong but my post won’t send .

[Wonderingifitsme]

I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) and we have 3 children together. He was my first love and my first real boyfriend. We have been through so much together and he has been there for me through a lot of loss on my end.Things haven’t always been bad and I do love him, but after about a year together things changed I found out he was cheating and he hit me for the first time. The abuse was only ever pushing me and he never actually thumped me but he left bruises. I’d say he probably hits me maybe once a year or every few years. But I no once is to many times. The last few times have got worse when He has actually thumped me and strangled me the last time to the point I hurt myself to make him stop.
He’s cheated on my countless times but still Denys it now even though I no the truth. (detail removed by moderator) He denies cheating but I no he has. I have never even spoken to another boy in the wrong way for the whole of our relationship. Anyway I kicked him out and I accepted a friend request of an old male friend I only did this because he hurt me. (detail removed by moderator) He seen the messages smashed Mt phone to peices.
And basically turned everything round on me. He then promised to change etc and he was amazing for a week. Really showed me the man I fell in love with.i don’t know if I’m the problem.
I walk on eggs shells most days scared what mood he wil get up in.
He can he completely happy one minute laughing and joking the next he flips a switch and he’s in a mood..
He gets up in a mood and my heart sinks. He has a lot of trauma from childhood but surely this isn’t an excuse for treating me badly.
When thinhs are good He’s amazing and i feel truly loved but it’s like I wait for a good day. I was convinced I was readt to leave this last time and I don’t know how but now it’s getting back to hoe things were
He goes out for days on end. Doesn’t tell me where he is.
He drinks on weekend and takes drugs sometimes.
I question am I boring.? I don’t like him drinking and I much prefer a quiet night in. Ino I can’t stop gum having a life. But he acts like a 17 year old sometimes.
I just wish I had the strength to leave him. The kid adore him
And I do love him even tho I hate him sometimes. I’m just so sad a lot of the timd and I want to be happy. I wish he would change.
Sorry for the essay x

[Lost lady]

Hi x there are a lot of similarities with our situations other than mine hardly ever leaves the house .
I moved in with mine the same year we met and he completely changed from the kind loving funny man I had fallen for and was aggressive and hit me , doors and grabbed me round the throat (mainly after a drink but not always) . He was still the kind funny man in public and still is but this made me believe that I was the cause, and it’s took me many years to admit it is abuse and the funny kind man is an illusion
Hoping we find a way to leave , we don’t deserve to be treated this way 😥

[Wonderingifitsme]

I just wish I could find the courage to leave. I feel like I’m getting close but everything I decide to leave he either won’t go . Or he worms his way back in . He makes me feel like I’m the problem. He lies to My face and denies things even though I know the truth. He went out (detail removed by Moderator) night and I haven’t seen him since its now Saturday morning. But he will swan in acting like he’s done nothing wrong and then tell me I need to say sorry for being annoyed. Surely there is more to life.

[Llgirl]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all of that, it took me a good few months of no contact to see just how awful an abusive relationship is. When I first left I would have said he was bad 20% of the time, I now see it was all a manipulation and he was bad 100% of the time. I also thought he had only been violent to me a couple of times but violence doesn’t just mean a punch..

I read a great book by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the free PDF online. It’s a brilliant book and after reading it, within two weeks I had fled my home.

I would call women’s aid, or you can visit your GP who can refer you to your local services. Sometimes speaking to a professional will help you see all of the behaviours and tactics. You deserve so much better, you deserve to live a life without fear. When I first left I still struggled not to follow the rules we had in the house because I was with my ex for a long long time.

I haven’t been out even a year yet but I am already starting to feel peace. You can get protection with a non molestation order, an occupation order for your home too.

Well done for reaching out, it takes a lot of guts to post on here. The first and hardest step is seeing the abuse for what it is.

The second step is getting in contact with a service and starting a plan to leave. Especially as you have children, I don’t even speak to my ex we have a third party in place for child contact.

My inbox is open. But you are worth more. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t leave today or next week, you can plan slowly and allow yourself time to put everything in place first.

[Wonderingifitsme]

Thank you so much both of you .

Do you know when they are being nice and things are good and u wish it could always be that way.
Then I question has his childhood trauma made him the way he is . Should I understand more. Should I not moan when he goes out. I love him and when it’s good I feel like he’s the love of my life and I wish he would change. But then along comes his moods and I’m back walking on egg shells. I don’t understand why seeing me smile and be happy isnt enough to make an effort to try.

[Nefertiti]

Wonderingifitsme,

I feel that my ex’s problems are caused by his traumatic childhood as well, but that is no justification. He refuses to accept how damaged he is, kept insisting that he was normal and I was the one who did not understand social rules – but he could never explain why I only had problems with him.

I then remembered that my Dad had worked out how to be a good father by doing the opposite of what his own father had done, whereas my husband was controlling me in exactly the same way his mother had him and his father.

I feel I enabled his bad behaviour for too long but now that I have left, he is seeing a therapist.

[Wonderingifitsme]

It’s good He’s seeing a therapist for his own sake.
Yes I totally get what you mean .
My partner gas lights me alot, he literally will refuse to take any responsibility for anything then flips it round and mkaes it My fault.

He will point blank deny doing something even if I have the evidence right infront of him.

When I’m happy it’s lovely we’ve been together along time . My whole adult life, I just feel like now mid 30s do I want to spend another how many years like this.
I just want to be happy, I do question if I’m part of the problem. He likes to go out drink and act like a teenager . I use to enjoy going out having a good time staying out till the sun come up when I was a teenager, but now I’m an adult with children. I have responsibilitys, he doesn’t seem to grasp that. He will go out and doesn’t think twice about nor returning for days , when he does come home he thinks he’s done nothing and if I moan he will blame me. He says he does what he wants I tell him then you should be single.
He can be happy laughing joking and then snap it’s like a switch and he’s suddenly in a mood. And if we argue he’s in a mood 4 ages he can’t just let it go and be happy. He says it’s just the way he is and I shouldn’t let it get to me butnits horrible walking on egg shells. I can’t remember our last date night , he prefers to go out and spend money with his friends . I don’t want to live like this but every time he crawls he way back even when ino I’m not happy. Why am I like this. I use to be so strong and confident. And I’m not a shadow of my self.

[Hereforhelp]

Because it is really difficult to leave an abusive relationship, you also loved him for many years… I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I am so sorry if you feel that way too as it is painful…

There’s no excuse for him to abuse, gaslight, lie and cheat.. he chooses to do these things and it chips away at your very core (I stayed for over 2 decades with my husband, there was very little of me left when I finally left). . The nice bits are just crumbs, again my.husband could.be lovely, kind, funny, caring, thoughtful.. but the cycle kept going and he always, without fail he would start the abuse cycle and so it went on…

Your husband flying into moods and then saying it is just his way.and you shouldn’t let it get to you…. he is minimising here as of course it will impact you, it would impact anyone .like living with a time bomb.

You are not responsible for his feelings or actions in any situation. You friend requesting a male, I didn’t understand what you had done wrong as it read like you have let your husband down or I may have got that wrong… if you did message a male friend why is that a problem?

You haven’t done anything wrong, keep pushing forward step by step of you can., when I finally left it felt like a leap in the dark, it was terrifying… I do not regret it, it does get easier.
HFH ❤️

[Wonderingifitsme]

Thank you for your kind words, it’s funny isn’t it because I know what I need to do and if it was a friend in my shoes I’d be telling her she needs to leave, I just can’t seem to do it . I worry if he leaves wil he be OK, will he still see the kids. They afore him and my middle child is hard work I worry how I will cope alone . Although I do most of it alone now anyway. The kids adore him but even loses his temper with them. He doesn’t hit them but he can be so horrible to them. But over all he’s a great day and would do anything for them. I know they would be heartbroken if he moved out but I also know in the long run we would all be happier. I often wish he would leave me but I doubt he ever would. Yes he always accuses me of cheating, I’m not allowed any male friends on the one sical media account I have which I’m fine with but he has tons of girls on his. (detail removed by moderator)

I do believe one day I will get there and finally leave him. And I really want it to be soon it’s just so scary. I don’t have a huge family as I’ve had a lot of loss in my life . I do have some good friends and siblings but I really don’t think he would ever let me leave. I am actually scared that he will kill me one day. Which saying out loud is terrible , I have anxiety which I think he doesn’t help. I just feel so lost and then when I’m feeling really bad he comes and is lovely and picks me back up and I feel so happy and then bam. Back to normal. I am past the point of being hurt now by him , it’s more anger. I’m so sorry you went through similar but it’s so nice to hear you finally got free. Thanks for all your support x

[nbumblebee]

Its so easy to see this in others than in ourselves sweetie its like we dont want to see its happening to us. Im still here decades on still learning and trying to pick my way through. The saying hurt people hurt people is one that fills me with so much anger I dont have the nicest past but do I hurt others? Absolutly not, No.
A bad past is no excuse none at all and whilst im sure you feel for him you cannot allow that to cloud your judgement there is no excuse for abusive behaviour none at all.
Picking you up is all part of the abuse being nice calm kind is part of him sucking you back into his arms just where he wants you if they were abusive all the time youd leave sooner I guess so they hold back and gather you back in.
Maybe you could reach out to a friend or a sibling let them know whats going on try and fi d an allie in this someone who can maybe help and support you. WA will do this too if you cant ask someone you know. You dont have to be alone in this xx

[Wonderingifitsme]

Hi all hope ur OK

Just checking in

Things where good for a week or so and then it went back to normal .

I’m worried maybe I’m the problem, I say nasty things to him sometimes, just things like your vile I hate you and then yesterday I told him I was just with him for the kids but he has said that to me before . He doesn’t understand I say horrible things because he drives me to say nasty things.  So he screamed at me  threw the coats and said he isn’t in a mood but can be and make everyone walk on egg shells and the kids were her and seen it.  Then he let a family member of his argue with me

I blocked him on WhatsApp because I didn’t want to argue he went out come back then blocked me on everything and slept down stairs . He does this thing where he gives me the silent treatment and blames me for everything so I end up saying sorry to him and feeling like it’s Mt fault but I no it isn’t.  I’m so fed up and I dont want to live like this I want to he happy but I feel so strong then he comes back and I can’t stay strong and take him back . I’m so sad and empty I just want to he happy.  I love him and want it to work so bad but also I’m tired of trying.

I feel so lost and trapped.

[Hereforhelp]

I think it is hard to navigate when they can be ‘nice’… but the nice part is part of their abuse to hook you back in and so the cycle continues… once you see the abuse (which you are seeing) you cannot unsee it and it becomes harder to deny to oneself…

 

Children get caught in the abuse, my.ex didn’t hit me but did everything else… of course my children loved him and he could be great (when they were younger, he couldn’t or didn’t want to relate to then as they became their own people, teens now)..

The final leap to leave… I tried over some years to separate as he wouldn’t leave, would use his traumatic past to emotionally manipulate me, he would say how can I want him to leave as me/children are his world… all words without meaning as his actions showed us who he really is…. I remained for decades hoping/trying anything for us to work…

Keep pushing forward, keep a journal of the abuse if you can and keep reaching out… we are all here for you whether you remain or leave

Massive hugs

HfH ❤️

[Wonderingifitsme]

Thank you so much , that’s it he didn’t have the best child hood but then my life hasn’t been perfect and I don’t hurt people.  I’ve had a lot of loss in my life and my life has been hard. Which I think keeps me holding on to him even more.  Its the worst when they are nice because like you said I then cling on to that hoping for the next good time . I sit of a morning and I dread him getting up.

I sit there wondering if he’s going to be in a good mood . He gets up and I try and be cheerful to make him happy and more often then not he’s moody then he claims that’s just him.  It’s just the way he is . He doesn’t mean it he’s not a morning person etc .

I question if I should let him be and let him do what he wants. If im part of the problem.  Should I not moan when he goes out . He says he’s a grown man and can do what he wants.  But surely we are a family with 3 kids he shouldn’t just disappear for days on end . He likes to control me but then pretend he isn’t.  He questions everything I do . Half the time I don’t even think he realise what he’s doing.  I put mascara on and he is like why u wearing make up . I want to lose weight.  Its because I want to lose it for someone else.  Ingoing out my mind .

The kids love him but they are starting to see what he is like .

We’ve been struggling with money this year because he blows it all going out taking drugs and drinking.  But when I moan about it he just turns it round. Plays the victim x

[Wonderingifitsme]

I feel like such an idiot because he spends all his money and every time I say I won’t give him a penny and then I still do . I get so angry that I continue to let him do this to me .

He says he has nowhere to go but he doesn’t find a problem with that when he’s gone 4 days on end x

[Hereforhelp]

You’re not an idiot…. you are super strong to be still functioning within an abusive relationship as it messes with your mental health and physical health. The gaslighting (changing the truth of his abusive behaviours, him changing the narrative to suit himself so that you will stay).. do not believe a word he says, trust your gut and what he shows you.

 

HFH ❤️

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