How do i leave

[infantula]

I’m in a long term relationship and after a big argument i have been realising things that have happened in the past show some red flags, at least i think.

In the past he has gaslighted me by denying things i have said or things that have happened, threw a controller which accidentally slightly hit me (no bruise, no pain) but he didn’t apologise and actually said i was in the way, tries to convince me into sex if i say no instead of taking no as an answer, has a stern approach if i am sad instead of comforting me, yet expects me to comfort him, will moan at me doing something he does, talks down to me, gets upset when i leave his house, shouts at his family, has thrown and destroyed things out of anger, calls me lazy, and much more

I want to leave. He says he has changed and will continue to change, but the damage has been done and i am not happy with him anymore. But i do not know how to leave in a sensitive manner without creating a bigger problem. And also without being manipulated into going back. Because if i try to leave hw will play the “but i’m changing” card, which may be true but i can’t get over the past.

Sorry for the long post and i hope it makes sense.

[Bananaboat]

Welcome to the forum and I’m sorry you’re here. I’m not quite out but well on the way. First step I’d recommend is educating yourself, read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’ and pat craven’ ‘living with the dominator’. Speak to WomansAid, Refuge or one of the other support agencies out there. Start a journal to record his behaviour especially helpful to look back on when things are foggy. Start exploring ways to escape, do you have any family or friends you can stay with? Can you afford to rent alone? Local council housing depts have a lot of help for DA victims too. It’s a journey which everyone does at different speeds, some chose to stay. The books you read, and there’s many YouTubes you can watch will all tell you the same, unfortunately these men don’t change and telling you they will is just words to hook us in. Good luck x

[Lisa]

Hi infantula,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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