How do I leave him alone with my kids?

[CarryOn]

Hi everyone
I’m new and Wld like input of people who’ve been through it.

I want to leave, I can’t stand it any more.
But both solicitors I’ve seen Say he’ll have the right to have our kids (both v.small) half the week. Even tho I told them about the psychological abuse, they both said ‘when you leave you need to make it clear you won’t be stopping him seeing kids’

How do I leave if it means the kids will end up alone with him for all that time???

I spoke to WA who told me I could get an order to keep him away. But when I called DV assist they said I couldn’t get the order because he’d not ‘made a direct threat’ to me.

I just can’t feel ok and I am SO confused. How does a mother leave her kids alone with a guy she doesn’t trust???

I feel like I’ll be free, but my kids won’t have me there all the time to protect them. They’ll be off somewhere where I can’t help them or hold them if he’s being nasty.
So maybe it’ll be worse for them if I leave.
So what do I do??

Does anyone have a good solicitor who understands and rallies for rights of the victim over abuser?

I’ve got to know I can protect my kids from what he might do after I leave
(Its verbal, no physical but it has made life unbearable and it’s bullying every day infront of our kids).

I am too scared of what he’ll do and that he’ll take the kids (he has PR).
He knows all my weak spots. He knows how to make my n igntmares come true and he will.

I was hopeful that leaving would solve problems but it feel like it will make more of them. Anyone been through similar? I’m going round an round not knowing what’ll happen X

[freedomtochoose]

Take it step by step. Didn’t want to read and run but just to say I was thinking of you.
ftc
x

[KIP.]

You need to keep a journal of his abuse. Speak to your GP about the detrimental effect on you and your children. Emotional abuse for me was much worse than physical. It destroys mental health. Get any witnesses to his abuse and his threats. Yes he knows your weaknesses but you know his. Just now you’re traumatised and not thinking straight. Panic is our worst enemy. Think practically. Would he actually want his children half the week. Most men on here quickly tire of their children when they realise they can no longer use them to abuse the mother. Are you the primary carer? How would he practically look after them, does he work? The solicitors advice is that you won’t be kidnapping your children in the eyes of the law. You can allow supervised visits to begin with, you’re not preventing him seeing them. You’re raising concerns that he’s not a responsible parent. That you are putting your small children’s welfare first. Do you qualify for legal aid? My ex always threatened to take my son from me. It’s very common for these men to threaten this. Have you read ‘Living with the Dominator’? I secretly recorded my ex. Only if it’s safe. Get advice about finances and your entitlement in divorce/separation. This might be a leverage you can use. Please do not believe a word he says. Abusers are very good liars.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, just want to say i agree with KIP. They are very good liars. He’s praying on your weaknesses, your children.
Journal anything and everything, include days and times if possible, it’s very easy not to remember when they said or did what they do.
We have theur own solicitors who specialise in DA. Mines asked for permission to contact my doctor plus a statement of abuse from myself abd someone ride who has witnessed how he treats you. As these solicitors deal with the fallout every day, they know the signs, he asked me how does my husband make me feel, explain ehat happens. It’s very hard to put into words feelings and something you can’t put your finger on. He/she will believe you.
Yes he has rights, BUT and its a very big BUT, if you feel he’s not safe to be around he won’t be granted access unless supervised. Some do manage to get access but as KIP says, once the reality of looking after 2 small children kicks in, he’ll be palming them off on anyone bar you.
This is where you have to mentally detach and start thinking logically, which is not easy one bit when your head is mush. Once you’re mentally detached, emotional detachment will follow. Don’t let him realise you’re planning anything, they know us inside out, we’ve told them our hopes and fears after all. With outside help you can get him out of your life. Unless you’re afraid for your life, I’d say stay. We do what we do to survive and women have been surviving at the hands of men for centuries. Record him, if safe to do so. I was watching eastenders the other night, one of the characters had a’bug’ hidden in her hair to record the ‘baddie’. There’s are devices out there small enough to hide that can do the job.
Get knowledgeable, read others posts on here, download books if not safe to have a book in the house. Knowledge is power, time to take back control. One baby step at a time, cos sometimes it’s so hard to even get out of bed, never mind plan an escape.
I promise you will get stronger. There are so many ladies on here who have left their abuser since I found this forum, the strength they’ve gained from each and everyone of us, because we are you, and you are us.
Keep strong, let him believe you’re broken, but inside youll start piecing yourself back together.
Your doctor can be a great help, they understand more than you think they do. If you feel you can’t tell them, write a few words down, once you speak out, the silence is broken, that’s when you’ll start changing, becoming who you were before you meet him💛💛
Well done in reaching out, that has been a massive step to take.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

It sounds like you need to go to a different solicitor I did twice, one could hardly talk he was a bumbling (Detail removed by Moderator) and the other one was on his side!xx 💕 💕 DIY

[CarryOn]

THank you for your replies. read them a few times and they are very wise words which I am so grateful for. ‘ we are you and you are us’. that is so true.

I’ve contacted local WA again but the solicitor they gave me was the one who told me he’d have lots of contact. Becasue he’s been around them since they were born.

I feel like the worst mum in the world for allowing this to go on. I have felt so confused and tied up – I didn’t want to leave and risk him coming after me for my whole life, taking my kids and making my life hell. I have seen the extent of his hatred for others and I have been trying to avoid that directed at me.
as usual with these blokes he can be amazingly loving, caring and kind. typical trap. It’s hard to choose a lifelong battle (in leaving) over that.

But staying means he forms closer bonds with my kids and has more to prove he’s a ‘responsible and great’ dad.

I wanted to leave over and over but each time I tried I kept getting so scared of what would happen.
I have stayed because I didn’t want to let the kids out of my sight. I thought I was protecting them by sticking by their side. But I have become to numb to even speak sometimes. I can’t even say when I don’t want him doing a certain thing / giving a certain thing to my kids etc. I just stay quiet to avoid the reaction.

It is so horrific that someone can be so calculatedly and deliverately cruel – and the law doesnt see that as a danger to their kids????
It makes me go cold thinking of all the times he’s been so deeply nasty to me and that it was NOT my fault but becuase he CHOSE to do it to me.

I can’t bear the though of him being with my kids like he is with me. punishimg them for nothing. teasing them, berating them, withholding love, pushing his control to make him feel big. I have no evidence of him doing this to them yet becuase htey are too small to argue or disobey – that time will come though, when they’ll start playing up and I am so afraid of what he”l do to them. It feels like a horror movie that won’t end. It’s real and it makes me sick

If the law can’t protect me, how will it protect them?
His digs and bullying is daily now. I am doing well at not caring about what he does to me, I don’t feel it any more, but I am numb in other ways too. I can’t make decisions. I enjoy nothing. I can’t see clearly how to protect my vulnerable children.

But I look back now and keep feeling that if I’d left when I was still pregnant, he’d have less chance of having them half the week now. I was so afriad to go on the run, I was afraid of everything back then.

This is the most confusing and hellish time – I can’t see any way out. Leaving and splitting time with the kids does not look like freedom to me. It looks like loss.

[diymum@1]

Hi there, I know it’s really hard to get a positive mind set on this with everything that’s happening. He’s obviously destroying you, like these men do. I promise there are ways you can prove his abuse. You will be free of him and your kids will be kept safe by the courts. I promise this can be done. Anything we can advise or support we will be here xx 💕 💕 DIY prove his actions are detrimental to all of you as above and there’s no way he will get 50 50 absolutely no way. Write a tick list of the people that will support you, try to call one at a time, try to chip away everyday xx it will come together, maybe GP be the best first port of call. Xx Take careof yourself 💕💕diy

[diymum@1]

Also I was told your solicitor is your microphone, theses guys tell there lawyers what to say and lawyers go along with it. Your lawyer is there to guide you but sometimes their advice is their own opinion. I’d either get another solicitor, or instruct him /her on what you want. It’s your right and your children’s. If I were you I’d take the contact right back, thats appropriately protecting your kids. The courts are looking for you going into this whole heartedly. It’s hard wneh your not feeling strong but the GP will be a start in helping you xx 💕 💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi i agree with @DIY, your doctor is your first port of call. We know only too well this feeling you talk of, how can you think straight when your constantly in survivor mode. You are going through the motions of life but not living. Have you spoken to your health visitor about your concerns. It doesn’t feel like it just now, but i too promise once you get more information it will give you strength. Rights for women are an organisation I hear many women talk of on here. Take the strength from us, once you’re mentally free of him, you’ll soon be emotionally free too

IWMB 💕💕

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