Hey Ariel
Wanting to be happy is not selfish… you have been in abusive relationships and this new relationship, even though you feel no violent threat… it is draining you by the sounds of it a d you are losing sight of what you want, what you need, your happiness should be first not his… maybe you are used to managing abusive moods (I was conditioned mentally to be on alert and access my ex’s moods… I carried on this way of thinking with other relationships… as I hadn’t learnt how to stop my brain from appeasing… or monitoring moods as you have said… I totally can relate to that.
You do not sound happy in this relationship… you deserve to be free to be your true self and those around you to love, listen, respect you and encourage your growth… you deserve a healthy relationship Arial.
Big hugs
HfH ❤️