How do I now find happiness?

[Lottieblue]

Hello Everyone,

I have left my marriage in (detail removed by Moderator) and I am struggling now. Having spent so much time feeling relieved – along with lots of other emotions but primarily relieved – to be out of it, I now find myself yearning for my happy family life. Which really wasn’t happy for much of the time. But I want a family life, with my family around me and my lovely home, and I feel robbed. And I want to go back to it, but what I want to go back to is just a fantasy and could never be how I want it to be.

I went completely no contact, and then got to a point when I realised there had to be some sort of communication, not least because he was putting pressure on my family, so I agreed to meet (online) with a third party present. We have done this several times and I hate them. They just turn into me telling him things I couldn’t take and him telling me I’ve got it all wrong. So, actually, despite what I’ve written above, I come away from these sessions knowing that I could never be with him again. The point of the sessions: “to find a way forward” – he wants me to “go home”; what do I want? I want him to see that we can’t reconcile but we have to have some sort of relationship for the benefit of our young adult children, who will, God willing, have graduations, weddings, families…

My real struggle now is that I have been out for some months but, due to lockdown, my life has stood still. I haven’t created my own existence. At first it was all about recovery, healing, accepting what had happened. Now, I am in a short term rental, I have no job and no real idea where I want to settle. I haven’t been able to create any sort of social circle (new or old) or to make contacts. I haven’t been able to visit family. I know, everyone’s in the same boat, but I am really struggling. I feel like it’s dead time and I feel purpose-less. All my stuff is still in storage which I can’t access and I’m starting to need things. Or want things. I’m just feeling rather hopeless.

I am doing some local volunteering, which is a Godsend, but I want to be able to see a future. I want a home and a life and the only one I know is the one I have left and it’s making me miss it.

[KIP.]

Slowly. With absolutely zero contact. Keeping contact keeps you in the past abuse. As you say yourself it’s achieving nothing. Today isn’t a great day to be thinking about relationships. It’s going to take time and patience and being kind to yourself. Volunteering is a great start. Now just continue discovering what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Things might not be moving as fast as you’d like but they’re moving.

[Hetty]

I can so relate to your post. I too have had some recent conversations with my ex for the sake of sorting out practical matters. Was awful. Begging for me to go back. I was accused of being cold and cruel when I stick to just sorting out what needs to be.
I am living in a house I can’t do anything to currently and while I hope I can settle here there are things that need to be sorted before o can put roots down. I too feel in limbo. What I have found to be helpful is just very small things that I am able to reclaim and enjoy that I couldn’t before. For example, I’ve started trying different routines and working out those small things that feel good for me. For example, a particular route on a morning walk that brings me peace and I enjoy. I’ve also been using this time to rethink my finances and spending. Things I can take forward when society starts to open up again.
A lot of my stuff is packed up too. If there are things you need could you get them? I’ve found a lot of my things I haven’t needed and going forward I’ll probably have a mass declutter.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 1) every minute you’re out of the abuse you’re gaining strength even when we have down times, it’s part of the healing, 2) there are some things we can’t control right now but life won’t always be like this 3) spend time now considering your future path.
Great news re volunteering. Such a fulfilling thing to do xx

[Lottieblue]

Hi @Hetty – yes, these accusations… I, apparently, am “vile”.

You’re right, it is about the little things… it’s just all heaped against me recently. Not only lockdown, but the weather recently has made walking next to impossible and I have also got an injury which has held me down. I long to see family, and in particular a new addition who I became close to when I first left. X

[Diverdi]

I can certainly relate to the feeling of life being on hold. I left (detail removed by Moderator), glad to be out and think I mourned my relationship with him a long time ago. I’ve been spending time trying to breakthrough the confusion and self doubt.
Lockdown means plans to move forward, do more for myself, and build up a friend network have been really limited.
I know I can’t expect to spring back to the person I was before I met my ex, not least because that was decades ago and I have changed from being a student to having a responsible job and children that take up a lot of my time and energy.
I want to be able to meet a friend for coffee,join an exercise class, take a lesson in something I want to do. But feel without these going on I can’t try anything or try to figure out what social activities and hobbies I want now I have the freedom to try.
I see lots of people hitting a ‘covid wall’ and struggling to find motivation for anything, regardless of any other stresses. To have left an abusive relationship at this time is an incredible feat.
my plan is to keep taking it a little at a time, forgive myself for days when I don’t seem to achieve anything at all and remind myself that things will improve.

[KIP.]

I’m doing some on line group therapy which I find really helpful. It’s contact with the outside world and it’s teaching me a lot x

[Lottieblue]

Wow @Diverdi, you’ve got it exactly, but managed to express it so much better than I was able. It’s so good to know that others know exactly where I’m coming from. I was married for a long time and yes, it’s all about finding out what’s coming next, rather than going back to what was there before. I used to be excited by it but have lost sight of it all now.

@KIP, what I didn’t add was that I have joined up to the Freedom Programme. I have done three sessions now and they wouldn’t have been possible without lockdown as there is nothing local to me, it’s (obviously) all online. The Freedom Programme is truly amazing, even for someone with their eyes wide open, like me. The women who run it are wonderful, and there’s a really wide range of abuse victims/survivors in the group with me. I really recommend it to anyone. And I’m very much looking forward to the Toolkit which follows on afterwards. X

[gettingtired]

Hi, sorry for jumping on your post but I just thought I’d ask about the Freedom Programme. I ordered Living with the dominator book months ago then paid for The freedom programme online but it was an online course basically exactly the same as the book. I thought it might be more of what other people are describing like an online workshop with other survivors or something. Not sure if I’ve git confused with something else x

[Lottieblue]

Hi @gettingtired

It will be interesting to hear what experiences others have had as I guess it varies from place to place. The one I’m doing is free. Yes, the book is based on the programme, but I believe the programme has been updated since the book came out. My own experience so far is that we base our sessions on slides (shared over Zoom) which list the traits of the different abuser types and we all (as much as we want to) share our experiences / questions etc around the different topics. There is a lot of focus on the impact his behaviours have on us, how we are made to feel. I think this is the sort of thing you may have been expecting. I think it just depends on how the agency that is running the course chooses to do it, and it sounds like your one is perhaps not as helpful.
Maybe you could ask for your money back and try joining one remotely instead? X

[Cecile]

Hi Lottieblue

It takes a lot of strength and honesty to write as you did in your first post here. I am so glad I logged on today as I have been feeling the same at times. The problem is that NO BODY knows how to feel during lockdown. Leaving the abusers has a hugely confusing impact on us also so all we escapees are suspended in time at the moment. My abuser was so so so mega controlling that every minute of my day was structured within a rigid prison like environment to please him and avoid conflict. Not that it did. So I find myself having to write endlessly about what I want to do next but not being able to do anything as my mind feels like a chunk is missing, the bit that gets you up and keeps you motivated day in day out. All my motivation for many decades came from fear and anxiety and huge immense pressure from him. Mind breaking levels of stressors. I did find myself missing my identity as Mrs xxxx or the mother in a family group during holidays and celebrations. But I remind myself that it was a facade constructed by the abuser when he always presented in a good husband and father mode, using just the right words and expressions to relatives to convey what a loving husband he was. Again like the sun coming up I know this was deliberate on his part. That yes he really did invest huge amounts of energy on covering up his true nature in front of others.
Waiting for the lockdown to end to live my life is not going to work. I realise this after reading the posts here.in some ways I have welcomed lockdown as it gave me a quiet space to recover, which I desperately needed.

As for contact, stop it. I have none and it has been a blessing. I have not missed him for a single millisecond, a sad indictment after decades of marriage. Because he lacked a rounded personality and could not relate to me personally or emotionally or intimately, there is nothing to miss. I have no memories where I felt any joy or happiness or fulfilment with him. A good day was a day with no temper flare ups or aggression by him. I still loathe myself for staying with him for so long. I beat myself up mentally for never having been able to see who he really was. I was so so stupid.

[Watersprite]

I feel the same! Wish we could all meet up in real life – what a celebration we could have! It wasn’t us it never was – we were capable of loving the fact we chose the wrong one doesn’t make us bad – it was all their work. We are capable of great love because we are good people – hold on to that x*x

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