How do I stop controlling ex ruining new relationship?

[LemonPie]

Hi ladies, ok so I was with my ex for a long time. He was controlling right from the start but I guess I was young and naive and didn’t see it as that. It didn’t feel quite right but I couldn’t pin point it. We ended up have two children together. I wanted to leave after the second but he would never go so I stuck at it due to the children. It was good enough most of the time so I figured I could live with it. Then he because addicted to drugs, they sent his jealousy, paranoia and controlling crazy. I ended up on anti-depressants, then finally I took an overdose because I just couldn’t bare life with him any longer. He continued his lies and manipulative behaviour even while I lay in hospital. It was the final straw, I kicked him out and haven’t looked back! I’m so much happier and stronger without him. I haven’t missed him for a second. He, on the other hand will not move on. His texts, phone calls etc have got less and less over time with the help of a couple of police visits and input from my solicitor but then I told him that I had started seeing someone else. He kicked off big style. After the police had spoken to him again he has stopped trying to contact my new partner but started questioning the children and telling them lies about me. He has been well behaved for the last few days but I can’t see that lasting for long. My new partner is understandably concerned that the ex will try and cause trouble with his family and friends.

I guess I’m after some advice on what I can do to stop him interfering in my private life. Do ex’s ever back off or am I stuck with his controlling ways forever? I’m so angry that after having the strength to finally kick him out, he can still have such control over my life X

[Serenity]

Hi Lemon Pie,

The less they know, the less they have to abuse you with.

I suppose he would have found out anyway about your partner, but best to reveal the least you can about your new relationship.

If he harassed you or your partner, log it and call the police again. It’s good he’s been warned already: they will have his name on the system.

I try to keep some details of my life quiet even from my children, as I don’t want it getting back to my ex. It’s sad that we have to go around in subterfuge like that, but whatever saves you from abuse.

Lucky you finding a nice new partner- and well done for getting rid of your abuser!

[LemonPie]

Thank you for your reply serenity. Unfortunately we have made the decision that we can’t make things work at the moment. It’s really sad but sometimes the hardest decisions are still the right ones I guess. At least it’s proof there are some great men out there 🙂

[Serenity]

I am sorry to hear this. You will have your reasons.

I tell myself that when I meet anyone, I will take it very slow and keep it from the children for a long while, until I feel I can trust the relationship.

I don’t want him to know my business. He has already told me ( with sarcasm) he intends to give me a reference for my next relationship. To me, that is a threat to try to wreck it. So I will keep things under my hat.

What these abusers rely on is our fear. We must work to overcome this.

I hope you are feeling ok x

[LemonPie]

Unfortunately I made the mistake of treating him like a normal human being and told him. I thought I was being respectful – you live and learn!

He contacted the new guy and told him (amongst other things) that he had recordings of me that would show what I was really like, checked out new guy’s social media, made it clear that he could find him if he wanted to.

I just keep kicking myself for thinking he could behave appropriately. Had I kept my mouth shut, things could have been different :-/

[Author]

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