How do I stop from feeling so guilty?

[Bumblebee1000]

I know I need to leave for my young daughters sake and I. He’s abusive in all kind of ways. It’s mostly controlling and emotional abuse. He’s only been physical on around 6 occasions in our (detail removed by moderator) year relationship. He is a good dad and I do my best to make sure she doesn’t see the abuse but she’s (age removed by moderator) now and sooner or later she will start to understand things. I can’t have her growing up thinking this is a normal relationship.

I want out. I’m so miserable it’s all I think about. The problem is is that he doesn’t work, pays no bills, has zero income, is not on the tenancy agreement (it’s in my name) and has no friends/family. All he has is me and my daughter. I’d be leaving him homeless with no money or family. I feel so so bad about that. I did try to get him to leave once before said I’d move out for abit until he got sorted and he threatened to kill himself (was holding a knife to his stomach in the kitchen). He begged/cried/clinged onto me. I felt so sorry for him at the time that I just put off leaving and carried on as normal. If I was to say to him now I don’t want to be with you please can you arrange somewhere else to live… he would just laugh and ignore me. I don’t know how I’d go about getting him to leave and then I’m worried about what would happen to him when I’ve actually got rid of him for good. I feel so frustrated with myself but i can’t help it. I’m honestly scared about what he might do if he realised that this is it for me. And then there’s my daughter who adores him I don’t want to take her dad away from her.

My head hurts from it all. He’s very similar to how my dad treated my mum when I was growing up, it’s scary how alike the situation is. And also how my grandad was with my nan. I want to break the cycle and be strong but I don’t know if I have it in me.

Sorry for this ramble I know it doesn’t make much sense but any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you x

[Escapee]

Hey Bumblebee

Have you spoken to anyone at Woman’s aid? I know this feels drastic but you could walk away from it all; just take your lovely little girl and go. Believe me when I say you can start again; it’s all just material stuff, most of which we really don’t need. But we do need our safety, our sanity and our self-respect.
You sound like a lovely, caring mum and woman, it’s so important to include yourself in that love and care.
Just because of your nature you will feel guilty but just remember all the hurt he has caused you and know that he was the reason you left, it was his behaviour that caused the problem – you just saved yourself and your little girl.

Good luck Bumblebee; we’re all rooting for you. Love and hugs xx

[Anonymous]

It makes perfect sense. My position was similar. In the end, he got arrested for assaulting me and although it wasn’t me who called the police, I took it as my opportunity to keep him out forever. I knew he had nowhere to go, so it was hard. Nothing was going to change if I’d allowed him back again. And in the end, it was about survival, physical and emotional.

Call WA. They will advise you.

I thought I couldn’t t do it, but I did, despite feeling terrible about it. And I’m now free and he’s getting help for his alcoholism. This forum was a lifeline for me, so just keep posting.

[Bumblebee1000]

Thanks so much for your quick reply @escapee.
I really appreciate your kind words and advice. I’ve not spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet, I find it hard talking about it out loud if that makes sense and don’t even know what to say if I rang them. I keep thinking what if I change, what if i’m a better partner, don’t wind him up etc. And then he won’t lose his temper. But I keep reminding myself to snap out of that mind frame as it’s not healthy. I think you may be right about leaving, as much as I have tried to create a happy nice cosy home for her I don’t want to fail her by having her growing up around any of the abuse and I can’t put it off for much longer. Lots to think about I guess. Thanks again for your reply x

[Bumblebee1000]

Thanks for sharing your experience @Landy. I think I need to pluck up the courage and just call women’s aid. It might help with my next steps as right now I’m just sort of stuck in limbo. X

[KIP.]

Hi, you can also find your local women’s aid for support. Ring the helpline for advice. They will just listen and won’t pressure you. There may be a local refuge you could go to temporarily. Try to remember that he is not your responsibility. These men are parasites and will land on their feet. I bet he will be quick to get off his backside and get an income when he has to. If the tenancy is in your name you can have him removed. Abusers trap us using fear, Obligation and guilt. It’s manipulation. He contributes nothing to your life. If he threatens suicide then ring an ambulance for him. He will change his mind when it arrives to section him. It’s not safe for you to discuss leaving him so you need to keep it quiet. He’s a grown man and needs to wake up and start providing for his daughter.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi and welcome. You can get him removed from the property, and it sounds like you know things are at the point where this should happen. Get an Occupation and Non-Molestation order.

Your situation is very similar to how mine was. He used to threaten self harm and to take his life all the time. It is manipulation.

Similar to Landy’s situation also, he eventually attacked me with a weapon. I called the police and once he was released by them I didn’t let him back in. He was on the streets for a while because he refused to engage with aid agencies or admit that he has an alcohol issue.

I felt incredibly guilty and it was due to the fantastic support of the ladies here that I got through that patch and didn’t let him back. Also realising that he was there because of his behaviours, and it wasn’t my fault. He’s got support now from an organisation who have helped him find accommodation, get benefits etc. Once he realised I wasn’t his carer any more, and acting the victim wasn’t changing my mind he soon sorted himself with home comforts elsewhere.

Children pick up on the atmosphere around them, and your child will be so much better off away from that environment. You will be doing your daughter a life service in removing her from that.

It’s not easy, if it was this forum and the support agencies wouldn’t need to exist, but you can do it, you can get through and past it, and you can come to terms with the fact that it was his behaviour. You do not need to carry his burdens.

[diymum@1]

this is a common theme in domestic abuse – they use obligation its definitely a tactic to keep you there. they brain wash us into feeling guilty for the abuse thats well documented. the shame a guilt cripple us into acting. in a good healthy relationship when it goes wrong that is – a descent person being told ‘you dont make me happy so im ending this’ would be yes upset but would and should really say well i love you enough to let you go and i love you enough to want you to be happy. with manipulative people they put themselves first always and that is over the children – i have lots off experience off this. my ex said all off what you saying – he never killed himself he got alternative housing and went off to uni. he sent pics off tablets and a bottle off water he was supposedly going to take. its their trump card. i know its not easy and if hes a good dad he can still see your little girl. youe will need proper professional support to put a plan in place to make your exit. you know the cards he will play so id say do this secretly and avoid him rolling over to play the victim with you. be strong on this because inevitably this is the best thing you could do for you and your child xxxx love diymum

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