How do I stop myself from going back?

[TrappedButterfly]

I was here a couple of years ago asking for advice. Now I am back here reading back on what I posted and asking myself why I didn’t listen to the support back then.

Fast forward to now, I now have a little girl with him who I love to bits. I really thought we had turn a page. He was so nice and so apologetic about his previous behaviour and things were ok. However a good few weeks back he got so angry, to the point he literally screamed in my face, all because (detail removed by moderator). I was so taken a back. I was scared. When I say angry, it was proper full on rage – his eyes switched. This is what used to scare me back then and it’s the first time this has happened in front of our baby.

I don’t know what possessed me to say it, maybe it was hearing our little one cry her tiny eyes out, but in that moment I said that’s it, I’m done, we are over.

That’s when he grabbed our baby and said that I’m not taking her with me.

At that point I went to (detail removed by moderator) and grabbed my phone out of my hands.

I started to scream at him to give it back and when he didn’t I panicked and (detail removed by moderator). It was so unlike me. That’s when he grabbed me and pulled me to the floor, with enough force to leave me with a bruise.

The days that followed I wanted to tell him that I want some time apart, but I was scared what his reaction would be. Thats why I took the decision to grab as much as I could for me and the little one and leave without telling him when I knew he would be out. We have been away from him since and because of he’s now added “sneaky” to the list of things I am.

He has since apologised and keeps saying he was just tired. I get we all snap and get angry but throughout that evening he constantly belittled me, bringing up past mistakes, laughing at me saying (detail removed by moderator) among other things that he said to hurt me. If he was truly sorry, would he of not stopped before the belittling?

Thinking back, maybe I shouldn’t of tried to go outside like that. He said he only pulled me inside to save embarrassment and that he regrets doing so.

When I reached out to (detail removed by moderator) she practically said it was just an argument. So am I being overly sensitive?

He says he loves me and wants me back, saying (detail removed by moderator), but I don’t know if he really does.

Looking back at the last (detail removed by moderator) he has rarely come to bed – at first it was because (detail removed by moderator). The times he did come up it was for sex.

When I wanted someone to talk to or a hug he would call me clingy. I was even working late one night to catch up on work, my set up is (detail removed by moderator).

Part of me is saying to go back, try to be a family for our girl. It’s not his fault he’s the way he is. He’s not intentionally doing this. But then does he know what he is doing?

This is tearing me apart. I used to love him so much, but part of me is starting to hate him.

Sorry this has been so long but if you have reached down this far, thank you so much for taking time to read this all. Xx

[nbumblebee]

I didnt want to read and run sweetie.
I am in no position to say anything really i was on here today pouring my own heart out but I know how hurt you are and how desperate you may feel.
So for what its worth my advise is to run.
Its that simple right? I know its not I really do but he is a dangerous man and you have got to put yourself and your baby first.
Get in touch with womans aid talk to someone there get some help some advise some support.
Talking to his sister she will of course side with him they are often very good at hiding their true selves from others only showing the nasty side to us. What you have described isnt acceptable sweetie under no circumstances please reach out for some help and keep you and your baby safe. Sending you much love x*x

[Eyesopening]

Hi TrappedButterfy, I like your name.
I really feel for you, it sounds a tough place right now.
Its especially hard when we reach out and people minimize what’s happened. This happened to me for years and kept me in an abusive situation. I reached out to the wrong people, the people who didn’t love me, or where in abusive situations themselves. So they could not help.
After leaving I reached out to the right people like my local Domestic Abuse worker and my family.
I read on here once, imagine if your partner shot you just once? Or stabbed you just once? It really struck me. That we should accept violence, abuse even if it just once. It never will be just once.
I was very worried reading your post and memories came back of my ex telling me he would kill me if I ever took his children away (we never had children in the end, I am out now)
Also where he comes from, their had recently been a young women killed by her partner because she wanted to leave with their baby.
Be very careful, this is the most dangerous time – when you leave, as it is the ultimate lose of power for the abuser. He is an abuser. Someone who loved you would not treat you like that. Someone who loved you would want the best for you and their child, no matter what.
Read up on abuse, chat to WA here on the chat. Use the forum lots, read others experiences. You will start to see the similarities to all our stories. You will also start to see abusive tactics you didn’t see before. Use Youtube, Dr Ramani is great, knowledge is power. Reach out to someone else who you really trust and who really loves you. You will need support now, to stay away. I left quite recently and it is extremely hard because of the trauma bond. This is just chemical reactions, its like Stockholm syndrome. Do not trust those feelings of missing him, you miss the chemicals reactions he gives you, its like a gambler returning to the casino for that buzz. Abuse is so complex, we have to fight with so much to get free. But it gets better, it really does! Time and self love and work really will pay off and you will be free. Just make it through those first tough months and you will only see improvement afterwards. x*x

[Eyesopening]

Also sorry, you should never be scared of your life partner. That’s a big red flag.
From what you said, He is gaslighting you, minimizing his abuse, he is criticizing and belittling you, he tries to get you to feel bad about yourself and feel worthless, you are easier to control that way and less likely to leave. He is not loving and caring.

[Anonymous]

Second what others have said.

Would add a very short and simple few sentences.

You have done the right thing in leaving. This will be understood by agencies and support workers and you should access that support.

The abuser will be viewed as a risk to your child.

However, if you make any attempt now to go back, the stark facts are that if you do this go back, you will start to be viewed as a risk to your child also by these agencies and possibly even as not in your right mind after what has happened.

You need to show you are capable, strong, protective of your child and that you both have a future together without the abuser of if contact occurs in the future that you draw appropriate booundaries.

This is absolutely not an easy thing to do but if, due to trauma bonding you struggle to seperate yourself from this man for your own sake…do it for your child…or else you run the risk of losing your child as you will not be able to show you can keep them safe.

It is a stark reality but I feel it needs to be said.

Good luck. All on here will support.

[Anonymous]

Connected also with the three planets theories of domestic abuse.

[Reindeer]

So much solid experience has already been shared. You are not alone Trapped Butterfly.

I’ve just left a relationship and the question keeps going around for me too. This is a bit of what I’m doing.

-The biggest thing- SELF CARE- enough sleep, enough connection, enough safety, enough food, enough safety- emotional and physical.
-I say, “I DON’T WANT to go back”, rather than ” I can’t go back.”
-I connect with friends I trust- many from long ago who I lost touch with.
– I connect on this forum.
– Gentle self-talk.
For example, instead of “Why am I so stressed? “, I’m trying to say, “Reindeer, why are you so stressed?” I’m told this help create a bit of breathing space so things feel less overwhelming.
Instead of “Why can’t I do this? … “Reindeer, why can’t you do this? ”
I am really surprised by how changing my self-talk calms down my distress.
-In my really bad moments when I want to text him- middle of the night, I’ve called samaritans.
-When I must see him, I don’t give eye contact (It’s exhausting but it’s better).

Reminding myself that what I want is not what I need. I want him to be different but I need to be safe.

I’ve also been advised to write a list of the bad things so when I’m feeling wobbly there’s a clear list to remind me of why I went. I’m finding this is painful but helpful.

I hope some of the things propping up my “I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK” wobbles work for you too.

Know that we see you here, we’ve got you.

[Anonymous]

How are you doing Op trapped butterfly?

I will check this thread. Just baking a cake here late at night. Something which I was never able to do but now I can.

[TrappedButterfly]

Sorry for the really late replies girls, I can’t thank you all enough for taking time out to reply. I keep reading them when I try to convince myself that he’s not as bad as I think. If I didn’t have my little one I would probably be back there. But she is my strength. I can’t have her grow up potentially witnessing that ever again. It’s so toxic.

I know it’s the first time it’s happened in front of her. But it’s no way the first time it’s happened to me. I thought he would be able to control his rage in front of a little child, but clearly not. I appreciate he’s tired, but this is always his excuse. If that’s the case, what happens if he’s tired when she’s all worked up and I’m not there?

I don’t want our little girl to ever feel like she can’t be herself. I don’t want her to ever feel like she has to walk on eggshells.

Will definitely keep coming back here for support. I know it’s going to be a long journey to ever feel like the person I once was. But already feel a little lighter after being away from him. Just trying to build the courage to tell him I want a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Glad you are feeling a little lighter.

It is difficult. And it does take time.

One point. You know you don’t need his permission to get a divorce, don’t you?

I would apply, get the paperwork done and on the way and get your solicior to write to him.

If he has shown rage already you want some distance when he finds out. And so does your daughter to keep yourselves safe.

You probably already foresaw that but just to bear in mind.

[Author]

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