How do i tell him?

[nbumblebee]

Yep me again. I wanted to ask, My new job seems amazing Im not supposed tp start till (detail removed by moderator) but they want me (detail removed by moderator). Which means im going to have to tell him soon. I have no idea how to word it so he doesnt kick off big time. He already hates the fact I do it (not paid at the mo) he will hate it even more when he knows its turned into a proper job that does not involve him and which will mean i wont be at his side 24/7 qhen je shouts. Hes gonna get nasty I know he will.
Any ideas on how i can maybe word it so he doesnt react too badly or stops me.
Thanks x

[KIP.]

There is no way to word it to prevent abuse. If you’re going to tell him can you tell him in a public space. Even if he takes it well the chances are he will sabotage it at the first opportunity. Are you receiving support from women’s aid.

[nbumblebee]

@kip This is what im worried about he will make it so hard for me to even start. He allows the volunteering as he can stop me and does going at any point as its non paid when he realises theyve offered me paid work its not gonna go well.
No i am not getting any womans aid help just you guys. Xx

[Eggshells]

First of all, if you’re already volunteering there, do you have to tell him it’s now going to be a paid job?

If you do, maybe something like, “I’m just picking up a few hours.”

Tbh, however you word it, he is not going to be happy and he’ll do everything he can to make you change your mind. Might it be worth working out a coping strategy ready for when he blows? Predict, plan, prepare.

[nbumblebee]

@eggshells
He allows me to volunteer as he can stop me a d does at any time as its voluntary. Im scared once he knows its paid and i have to go he will go mad and wont allow it or will make it difficult theough being nasty demanding etc. I guess its down to me to stand my ground I really want this I need this but can I handle his reaction?
Only time will tell I guess. I hope so I really do xxxxx

[KIP.]

Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline. And your local women’s aid. You need help to get out of this situation.

[nbumblebee]

@kip, your advice and encouragement means more than i can say but I cant do it I still find all this so hard to believe I am learning slowly but it still seems unreal, Im not ready to contact WA
Im ok there are so many more women out there that need WA help more than I do,I am ok thank you so much though. Hugs x

[KIP.]

That’s okay. Baby steps x they’re always there for you 💕

[nbumblebee]

Thank you x

[Eggshells]

Please keep talking nbumblebee. I can’t believe how far you have come in such a short time. Bit by bit I can see that you are working this all through. For now, you need to work on keeping yourself safe physically and mentally.

It’s kind of difficult to give advice on what to say because we don’t know his tactics but however you feel inside, please stay calm. Perhaps record it so that you can listen back. It’ll help you understand the game he plays.

Please draw strength from all of the positive comments the ladies on the forum made about your job. Whatever he says, focus on all that positivity from those who want the best for you. xx

[nbumblebee]

@eggshells recording it seems like a good idea i think i will try this. Have decided to do it (detail removed by moderator) hes fowl anyway this week so i dont think it will make much of a difference. If its ok I will let you know how i get on. Therrs still a part of me hoping he will be supportive and happy for me but im sure thats just me being stupid.
Thank you yet again for being here. This isnt so lonley with you guys behind me x*x

[ISOPeace]

Hi nbumblebee, I know it isn’t an easy thing to do, but I agree with the others who suggested not telling him if that’s possible. The overwhelming odds are that he’ll do what he can to ruin this opportunity for you. There is nothing you can do to make him take the news better. He doesn’t want you to work because he wants control over you. Doing things that support your wellbeing, like getting a job, make him feel like he’s losing control. Even if he appears to take it well when you tell him, you’ll always be wondering when he’s going to decide it’s not ok. Unfortunately he has deliberately left you with these choices:
1. Appease him by disregarding your own wellbeing and not getting a job
2. Get a job and tell him about it and risk whatever punishment he deems necessary, including perhaps using it to really show you just how much power he has over you. He may even stop you doing the voluntary work as punishment.
3. Look after your wellbeing by getting a job and keeping yourself safe by not telling him.

He wants you to feel like option 3 is not an option, which is why you feel uncomfortable about lying.

I agree that whether you tell him or not will not change how abusive he is in the bigger picture. But he is likely to see this as a sign that he’s losing control and will up the ante to regain the control. Sadly, when we’re living with abuse (and even after we’ve left) we have to make decisions based on survival. They will often go against what we think is ‘right’, but it is always better do choose safety over morality. I’m not saying you have to do option 3. It’s your right to make the decision and whatever decision you make is ok. Whatever you do, try to choose what’s best for your wellbeing. xxxx

[nbumblebee]

I cant not tell him. It means his dinner will be late!! This will not go down well. He likes to know where I am he likes to be able to get hold of me at any time when he cant Im having an affairin his eyes. So sadly I have to tell him.
As scared as i am i feel i must do this I need and so want this job. Ive just got to stand firm and push through whatever he says or does I need to just keep remembering how much I love this work and how it makes me feel. Thank you for your support as always xxxxxx

[Bananaboat]

As others have said if there’s anyway you don’t have to tell him then I’d say don’t.

The other option is to tell him but be prepared for the fallout with a plan – it could be the trigger for you escaping/leaving? But only if you will be safe!

What happens if you don’t tell him and he finds out in a few weeks/months?

I’m so sorry you are living with this anxiety, especially at a time you should be feeling proud and excited.

[Hawthorn]

Hi nbumblebee,
You’ve had great advice already so I don’t have anything to add but I wanted to pick up on what you said earlier about seeking support from Women’s Aid. If you don’t feel ready to reach out them yet that’s of course entirely your choice and please do everything in your own time, however please do not avoid reaching out because of the mistaken belief that other women deserve the support more than you do. Abusers brainwash us into believing that we don’t deserve anything and it’s simply not true. You need and deserve support and when you feel ready to reach out Women’s Aid will help and support you. You are worthy of help.

Good luck and keep reaching out here too, you’re doing great xx

[nbumblebee]

You are right I still find it hard to admit this isnt right that what be does says etc isnt right. I dont feel like I deserve nor should ask for help. I just dont. There are women out there who need it more than me and who deserve it so much more id rather time was spent on them.
Thank you for your support and kind words xxxx

[KIP.]

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the worse it’s gets and the harder to recover when you do leave. Or when he discards you. We normalise abuse. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

[nbumblebee]

No I havent have just read why does he do that.
Now that was a hard read i kept screaming out yes, yes thats him, it was a tough one. Will have a look for the one you have suggested Im guessing its just as tough to read?

[KIP.]

It’s much more simplistic and was a real eye opener for me x it was the first one I read x

[Lisa]

Hi nbumblebee

I can see you have had lots of supportive replies all with really good advice.

I just wanted to let you know that there is lots of advice here about safety planning which may be useful to you; https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

Please keep posting to let us know how things are,

Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for the info xx

[Blueskies3]

Hi,
I’m thinking from a practical point of view, if you take the paid work and don’t tell him, you can save the money so you’ll have it if you decide to leave and have to furnish a place/ start again. Having money always gives you more options.
x

[nbumblebee]

@blueskies Ive set up a secret account to have my wages paid into i will then put some into our account so he can see im being paid whilst keeping some back in case I do need to get away. I still hope with all my heart I wont need too.
Thank you xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

God i feel so bad writing that so guilty x

[nbumblebee]

So i told him about the job. As expected he wasnt happy asked questions about how many men worked there accused me of having affairs thretened to sell my business as now i cant do both (i can and will) id spent all day cleaning house so he couldnt pick fault but he went round house moaning saying i shouldnt take job as our house is a s**t hole. No shouting no nastiness just fault picking sulking and really took the shine off the job. Im guessing this is just the start? He will get worse wont he?
Hes gonna stop me somehow.
He will hammer me down make me feel so s**t that i cant do the job.
My first day is really soon so lets see what happens, i was on such a high really wanted him to say well done thats all just to be happy proud of me i just dont understand why he cant what i do thats so wrong. Feeling pretty pants today. Xxxx

[Hawthorn]

Oh nbumblebee I’m so sorry you’re feeling pants. I’m sure it took alot of courage to tell him about the job, please try not to let him ruin it for you. Try to focus on all the support you have here- we are all rooting for and delighted for you, and remember all the lovely positive things your colleagues have to say about you. That is the truth of the person you are, not his negative nonsense.

Isolating you, keeping you financially dependent and chipping away at your self esteem is all part of coercive control. A non-abusive partner would be delighted for you, would encourage you, build you up and probably take you out to celebrate your new job. But abusers can only feel happy when we are unhappy, and they thrive on restricting our growth and controlling us. He doesn’t have to shout to be nasty- accusing you of infidelity, making you feel bad when you have done nothing wrong, saying your spotless house is a s**thole, sulking at your good news etc is all incredibly nasty and abusive behaviour.

You deserve so much better. He won’t be proud of you, but you can be proud of yourself. Can you try to treat yourself today to celebrate your new job? Could be anything; a cup of coffee and a slice of cake in a nice cafe, a bath or face mask, a walk somewhere you like, even just taking a minute to write down all the nice things your work mates said about you so you can look at it when you feel down. Something just for you.

Congratulations on the new job again, you deserve it xx

[nbumblebee]

@hawthorn oh wow your words made me cry.
I really hate all this its so hard but having the support here well means the world.
Thank you so much xxxxx

[StrongLife]

Sorry that all happened. Good on you for volunteering and getting job from it (extremely difficult).

Good on you.

Also ringing true is the accusations of having affairs/jealousy- I was somehow too having affairs with every guy.

Good on you for job from volunteering

[nbumblebee]

Hey stronglife this was a really old post and actually my god i needed to read this today. Ive been struggling lately feeling so low useless stupid crazy for staying believeing he will change trying to wkrk all this out im still fighting the abuse word.
Reading this has made me see that actually ive done alot. I now work almost full time my own little business yes he tries to stop me every day yes he makes it difficult he is still nasty so nasty bit i still go i grow my business despite his nastiness its miserable without support from him and so hard but im doing ok with it. I wont stop working i wont give in. Maybe i have done something right maybe i am doing better than what i thought I was. His nastiness gets worse it really does and im so sad all the time but maybe i am getting a little stronger and not as weak as i feel right now.
Thank you so much for commenting on this post i needed this reminder today so much. X

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