How do I tell people?

[Working Hands]

I’ve ended an abusive relationship (coercive control) and I’ve finally started telling a few friends snippets of how bad the patterns were, but I can’t bring myself to say I’ve been abused. I’ve changed the locks because my ex has a key and I couldn’t sleep. He never explicitly threatened violence, but I’ve always been very aware of how physically powerful he is, I spent (detail removed by moderator) nights adding extra alarms, jammers and chains to the doors, sleeping (very little) with my phone on and my escape route planned in case he let himself in. I finally changed the locks (detail removed by moderator). I was able to tell the locksmith on the phone that I had broken up with a partner and felt unsafe, but I can’t tell my parents. Once it’s safe (which probably gives me a while, at least), my parents will be visiting and I will want them to have a spare key. They will certainly notice the locks have been changed. even if I don’t draw attention to it by giving them a new key. How will I tell them? I would rather lie, but I can’t think of anything that sounds believable.

I do not want my parents to know I have been abused. I’m not sure they would understand the concept of coercive control, my father is unwell, and my mother (like me) always feels responsible for things that are not her fault. I do not want to hear my family saying awful things about my ex, because it’s unhelpful for me and makes me feel like I’ve been an idiot and wasted years of my life.

[Scottish Thistle]

I’m quite a private person and don’t like people knowing my business unless I want them too. My husband on the other hand tells people everything and usually broadcasts personal stuff on Facebook so everyone knew but his own version of events. Many people who know us as a couple know what he’s like and didn’t respond To his rants and would ask if I was ok. Those who were only friends with him or didn’t like me would agree with his posts and add fuel to the fire and make him continue his rants – although after a while he would take posts down but by that time the damage was already done. I too have had the locks changed something he is unaware off.
You only need to tell people what you want and when you want don’t feel pressured to tell everything at once. Your friends and family will support you.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I agree, you tell as much or as little as you like, it does feel very empowering to decide how much you wish to share or not.
If you’re unable to say you’ve been abused, you can tell your parents, he wasn’t good for me, the relationship is over, I changed the locks.
You decide how when and how much you tell. If people are pressing for more information you are perfectly allowed to tell anyone you don’t wish to talk about it full stop.

[Hazydayz]

🙂 Hello Working Hands It’s ok, your in the right place. This is the place to come to if you want to unload, share what you want to? You will find understanding and acceptance here, we all have same or similar experiences and there’s a lot of support and advice offered to those who are struggling and need help. So welcome! I read your post, your description of what’s happened and the difficulties your having. I can relate to you and how it feels for you and just want to let you know your being heard. I have a suggestion concerning the new door lock, it might help? If you were to say that the keys were lost and that’s why the locks were changed, if asked? The explanation of where’s your partner if your parents are visiting is going to present it’s problems if you don’t wish to discuss things with them? But at least your safety has been addressed and that’s an important achievement so well done! You have some time you say before you expect your parents to be visiting and that time gives you some time to think and gather your thoughts in preperation for what you wish to say? It is difficult for you, I understand. Coming to terms with what you have endured and the resulting feelings you are experiencing is a disturbing and difficult thing to process, that many that are unaffected, don’t really understand. Even those of us affected by abuse have trouble with it! I really understand why you don’t want your parents affected by knowing what’s happened to their daughter. Perhaps someone else here will pop up with some advice that will help you deal with that one, they often do! Finally, I feel for you, the time you invested in your past, now it’s about you investing time in your future; and that takes time and support. We are here for you and we are all here for the same reasons. Your not alone💞

[Hazydayz]

Ahhh… I see as I was texting my reply to you an angel flew by and left you a lovely message of support💞

[Sleepy]

Hi Working hands,
It took me 6 months to tell my parents, and even then it was only the very basics, and it was more because I felt I was going to break down and was too scared about what would come out if I didn’t take control of telling them when I felt ok. Just take your time, there’s no rush.
They know but aren’t emotionally supportive, though don’t let that put you off telling them if you want to, everyone’s different. But it did open the way for me to tell my sister Who is a little more supportive and I now have the freedom I can speak about it to other people who they mutually know if I want to tell them. I haven’t told loads of people though, kept it close at the moment.

[Author]

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