How do I trust people again?

[AhinaiBai]

Hi everyone, this is my first post…
It has been a couple of years since I left my boyfriend for the last time. The relationship lasted a (detail removed by moderator), during which he was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Every time he did something I would end the relationship, but would always be convinced to take him back. We worked together so we had a lot of mutual friends, when I told some of them what was going on, they convinced me that it was fine. I got comments like ‘you know he loves you’ ‘we all do stupid things when we are drunk’ ‘think of the team, you don’t want it to be awkward at work’. And every time I would take him back. Eventually I stopped telling everyone else what was going on, and I finally left him. It’s been a few years now, and we still both work in the same company, although not in the same section. Seeing him around work is hard, but I have to continue as if nothing has happened. He has a new girlfriend now, and I’m currently in counselling wondering why he gets to move on and I’m left struggling. Part of me misses him, and the other part is relieved it’s over. How do I get to trust people again, when even though my friends believed me, they still took his side?

[Mellow]

Your friends can’t have believed you they took his side .I think you need to re think that real friends would be there for you that dosent make sence.must be difficult working together you would still here every rumour what goes round feeding his ego .if it was me I would not have stayed in that job but you do what is best for you and your mental health to me it sounds toxic and your making excuses for it .where they are saying he dosent mean it he loves you they are just trying to invalidate your feelings like he is doing he has manipulated the situation so has been smearing you to them by the look of it.you even stopped telling them so what friends are they if you can’t speak to them?

[Mellow]

Also when they say you don’t want it to be awkward they are invalidating your feelings aswell and manipulating you get them all out your life start again .easier said than done though.you matter more than them or him your a queen don’t let your crown slip

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey sweetheart,

I’m going to sound really blunt here, but it comes from lived-experienced, and nothing but love and support, understanding towards you.

When me and my abusive ex broke up, we had a lot of mutual friends and a life together too. Our ‘friends’ all took mostly took side – and would convince me of how miserable he was since I left, and how much he loved me etc and how I should take him back after physical and emotional abuse. It was very difficult, ultimately, we were seen as a couple who were ‘just’ as toxic as each other. For a long time I believed their narrative, and after some time I realised, they were wrong and they had been victims of his manipulation and gaslighting too. The hardest realisation was, there were never really my friends / nor believed me if they took his side/ pushed the ‘forgive him / he loves you’ narrative.

I was abused. You were abused too. I did nothing to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it. Nobody deserves about. It wasn’t equal. It wasn’t ‘just a toxic relationship’. They were not real friends at all. They said they cared, but ask yourself this, would a real friend with good morals choose to be friends with someone who had abused their friend? Would you stay friends with a friends abusive ex? What does that say about their morals?

So I went no contact, not just from my ex but from all our mutual friends. I combed through all social media and blocked / removed them which was very hard. They were people I grew up with. I essentially had no friends. It was lonely as hell. I leant on my parents massively.

In order to cut ties and move on, you need to have zero contact with your ex. Being in the same company, with the same friends, hearing about his life and new relationships is only going to hurt you and hold you back from healing. If changing jobs isn’t an option at the moment, gradually work towards it, put strong boundaries in place with your ‘friends’ until you feel able to let go “e.g. I understand you think it’s beneficial to share xyz with me about my ex, but I would prefer if you didn’t update me on his life as I’m trying to move on”.

With time, I slowly started attended survivors groups for abuse survivors, women’s centres, women circles, dance classes, recovery colleges, PTSD courses, acupuncture etc. I basically started very very slowly meeting new people, and it was scary as hell and still is learning to trust new people and letting go of a past life – after awhile I had one new friend who shared the same morals and values with me, who listened to my story, believed me, supported me and validated my feelings and I did same in return. I then made another friend, and another friend and now I have a whole new circle of really kind, lovely friends some who understand what I’ve been through, some who just share the same passion of hobbies. Please look into local support, to build connections with new people.

Now (1-2 years later) I look back at those old friends I clung to so hard, and was so sad that they weren’t supportive etc and what I see is people who didn’t want to see the abuse, people who didn’t share the same values and morals, people who didn’t want the same things in life as I did. I still keep a few in my life but I pick and chose what to share with them, and have strict boundaries about my ex in place.

The moral of my shared story is, You are so worthy and deserving of REAL friends who love and support you. Who VALIDATE your feelings. Who BELIEVE you through and through. WHo see you as the beautiful QUEEN you are. There are people out there, really kind people who would love to be your friend and are ready to be your friend. I strongly urge you apply for a new job in a different company and gradually cut these ‘friends’ off. It doesn’t have to be unkind or nasty, but these people aren’t your friends. I can be your virtual friend, if you’d like and that’s one person by your side. You are not alone. You have us here and a whole world out there for you.

In terms of trusting new people, this is something I don’t have an answer for you other than it takes time. When you make new friends, you’ll slowly learn to trust them, and open up, it isn’t a race and new friends will understand but it is so important you have people in your life who support you with your situation, and are understanding. Not everyone understands what it means to survive abuse or experienced it, but compassion and love can be given by most. It really is just about time and making new connections.

You have all the power to build a completely new life away from your ex, his new girlfriend and your unloyal friends.

Sending you SO much love beautiful angel. I am more than happy for you to message me if you need to talk. You are not alone. I believe you. I hear you. I see you. XOXOX

[healingbutterflybabe]

In response to: He has a new girlfriend now, and I’m currently in counselling wondering why he gets to move on and I’m left struggling.

It will appear he has moved on, but he hasn’t. He’ll abuse her just as he abused you. People like him do not change. He cannot change, but you can. You can heal, and have a healthy successful relationship and are deserving of one. You are doing the work through therapy, he will always be the monster he showed himself to be. He is filling a void. He will date people, and break them until they’re as miserable as he is inside and will repeat this cycle. You’ve made a choice to not be a part of this dance (which is incredibly brave).

XOXOX

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