How do i?

[Fairylady]

hi all,

I’ve only spoke twice on the forum, I’ve been woth my partner (detail removed by moderator) but it feels like a lifetime.
He used to be physically abusive slapping and spitting. Its not like that anymore, its more controlling, not wanting me to speak to my family or go out with friends, gets mad and shouts and calls me names, when I dont do as I’m told or he doesn’t like it. He can be amazing with some things but i know how detached I am to him now, i hate being here and he will have little digs or sly remarks to always put me down and then says its me. I dont feel like me anymore and I want to leave, with how he is he will let me walk out but he will then make my life hell, we work in the same place also, whenever I have left he lets me and then because of everything he does I always come begging back.

I want to be able to have an adult conversation and just tell him that we don’t work and that i dont love him anymore, I just want some advice on what I can actually say without him resorting to belittling and name calling and me begging again

Thanks

 

[KIP.]

Theres nothing you can say but you can go total zero contact. That way he cannot abuse, bully, frighten, guilt trip you back into the relationship. Ending an abusive relationship is a dangerous time for a woman so I’d advise you to get out and get yourself safe then message him not to contact you again. Not sure how closely you work with him but if his harrassment continues you will need to let your work know x and also the police x

[Anonymous]

Spot on what KIP said. Excellent advice. You can’t reason with him. It won’t work. He doesn’t care what you have to say. He is who he is so time to make a decision and face whatever but do it with conviction and be wise about it. You have rights and you need to exercise every one of them. Get away from him and then you can go into figuring out why you need to go back to someone who abuses you. Right now, it’s imperative to cut all ties and make your boundaries very very firm. Change your phone no., block him everywhere. Maybe get off social media. We can help you with all that. I just put up a post about recently, will go find it but you have to want out and it has to be absolutely unacceptable that someone cannot treat you like this because you do not deserve it and it’s never about that anyways. Abusers just abuse and they would do that to anyone so it’s not just “you” at all. He’s gaslighting you, turning everything around, circular reasoning, coercive control. There is a Book List thread on here and it has tons of reading/info for you. But to be honest, you need to get away from him ASAP.

[mushroom]

All good advice. I think the key here is being able to have an adult conversation. My ex was never physically abusive but made up for it in emotional abuse. Why do I then need to explain what he did wrong and yet still empathise with his feelings of guilt for abusing me? That is something he never understands. I’m out for now but he wants a chance for being “good and trying”. How many chances is enough?

[Wants To Help]

@fairylady – sometimes we just cannot reason with people, talk to people, or even get people to listen. If you have tried and not succeeded (and this is different to ‘tried and failed’) then you have every right to just walk away. We do not have to remain in a place we don’t want to be until a person accepts and understands our reasons for not wanting to be there. If they are not prepared or willing to talk and/or listen, that is not our problem.

@mushroom, one chance should be enough, but when we think we are in love with someone we give them way too many chances.

I came across a great quote not too long ago

“Be careful what you tolerate – you are teaching people how they can treat you.”

[Anonymous]

I stop and think sometimes about all the energy we put into trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole….. Amazing what we could do for ourselves with all that energy, right, if we focused it on us?

What’s that saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? Been there, done that.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Fairylady,
I really hope that since chatting on here you’ve been able to also speak on the Women’s Aid webchat facility, or to an adviser on the phone line, or perhaps sent an email to them. It’s just that you can send specific details to them that you can’t post on here and they can then give you some specific advice on next steps.

KIP, Braelynn and wanttohelp all give really good advice.

I definitely agree with no contact, though appreciate with the work situation that this could be a challenge. However, as KIP mentions, you have options around this. That’s why I think it would be useful to speak to a Women’s Aid adviser as they can speak to you more specifically around this.

Ultimately though, your well-being and safety comes above all of the material things and trappings. It sounds extreme sometimes when you hear it. Stop. You are at Risk. Leave, or Get Out of relationship. But, but, but- the mind works overtime But really, YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR quality of LIFE are that IMPORTANT. You’ve probably not heard that for some time and we on here all know why, we’ve been there. You’re not alone, there’s many of us that have left and many of us trying to leave. You’re already part of that community. It’s here to support you right now and it will be here to support you when you take that leap.

If you’ve come on here and been reaching out, if you haven’t already spoken to a local service then you will find it easier I am sure to reach out and speak to them as you’ve started to voice it to us already. I’m putting the weblink to local services below, just in case you haven’t yet done this. I’m just leaving it there for you for when you are ready.

Domestic Abuse Directory

All the best to you, hope to hear how you are getting on.

Soulsearcher18

[Soulsearcher18]

Mushroom, I just wanted to respond to you to. Well done for getting out.
It’s worrying that you’re still in contact though.
It can really set you back with your recovery- I don’t have the option of no contact but totally broke all the boundaries recently and it was so bad.
That’s how I ended up on here, which was a positive out of a negative, the contact has gone back to what it was now and I have NO intention of EVER tolerating that again, bad enough as it is.
He needs releasing and it’s up to him, if he chooses to, to get help and get sorted.
You’re not responsible for his actions and you’re also not responsible for sorting him out.
Now that you’re out, the focus is you and your recovery and moving forward.
Maybe it’s as I said to Fairylady, you’re so not used to hearing that. That YOU are important, that YOU come first, that YOU are worth the time and energy- it takes a bit of getting used to and maybe we try to fill that space so we don’t have to focus on us?
I’m waffling but good luck to you in your recovery Mushroom, hang in there- you’re worth it!

Soulsearcher18

[Fairylady]

Thankyou all do much for you kind words and advice.

It got bad again last night and (detail removed by moderator) ended with him smashing cups and glasses in a rage because my dad has asked me to help (detail removed by moderator) for the day.

I need to get out, i know i will get the strength to do it. Thankyou all so much

 

 

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