How do other mums on here cope with this? Or am I just over reacting..

[Jelly bean]

When the contact is no longer in a contact centre, how do I cope with having the kids just go with him. With no one there to watch, no one to help if needed etc. I really am struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m just over reacting?

My ex has no real relationship with our eldest (she is a toddler) and our youngest is just a baby still. He never took any interest in our eldests baby years and when he did it wasn’t great. He’s got no idea of how to look after the eldest one, never mind baby. It’s not for the want of trying. Before things were taken further, I tried for a long period of time to help him to learn things but just to have them thrown back in my face. My family have tried and so have his. But he wants what he wants, nothing else. He won’t be told how to do something.

There’s only so long I can put off his contact being supported.. I’m told I will look like I’m trying to make it awkward for him to bond.

The thought of them going with him alone makes me feel sick and it’s taking over my life. But I’ve witnessed how he is with them, no one else. I’ve witnessed him not feeding or changing them, I’ve witnessed him ignoring them and leaving them to cry to the point where they are nearly sick because he doesn’t no how to handle that sort of thing.

My girls are my life and this next hurdle is going to be a big one to over come..

Does anyone else have this issue or am I just being over the top?

[Ayanna]

Omg, that is really horrible. Did you speak to social services? I have no kids, but if I was in such a situation I would leave the country. I nearly left when I had to live in hell and nobody helped me. I hope you contact all services and tell them your fears. Safeguarding and child neglect are serious issues.

[Jelly bean]

Social services aren’t involved at the min, cafcass also said that they don’t need to be involved at this stage because they see no safeguarding issues.

Suppose it’s my word against his. He’s so manipulating, knows exactly what to do and say to get exactly what he wants. I don’t see how I can stop him.

From what I can gather, at a future hearing cafcass may become involved if we don’t come to an agreement. I really don’t know how it all works. my solicitor is really good, she just seems really laid back with it all telling me not to worry. It’s easier said than done though 🙁 xx

[Serenity]

Hi Jelly Bean,

I know the feeling you are experiencing. I’ve been there. Still am.

Cafcass were involved in my case, but also said they saw no safeguarding issues regarding him. He fooled them.

Thankfully they said my eldest can choose when and if to see his dad, and guess what, my eldest has now chosen not to.

My youngest still has to go.

I was sick with worry and fear about this.

I rang the NSPCC helpline. They aren’t too keen on getting involved if you have an ongoing court case, but even so, one lovely counsellor there gave me such sound advice. He said to go for a contact order, because then it’s formalised and if your ex breaks it or starts playing silly beggars, you can take it back to court, which will support your case especially if you think he is being neglectful / abusive.

Keep a log of everything that concerns you, however tiny- times, dates…this will help your case later on, if he gets worse.

Keep on getting advice and support to keep you afloat and upbeat- here, NSPCC, Family Lives helpline…

X*x

[White Rose]

You aren’t over reacting. I really feel for you in this. The system is meant to look out for children and you’ve flagged up concerns and it seems no one is listening.
The good thing is contact centre say it’s ok…. hopefully someone there may have taught him some child care!
If you are worried he won’t meet the children’s needs look out for evidence he hasn’t. Mark the baby’s nappy with a biro and see if it’s been changed. Look for sore bottom where baby’s been left in wet/dirty nappy too long (take before and after photos with date and time log on your phone if needed ) if your toddler is in nappies too then do the same. Sounds really sly but you need evidence not “feelings” to share with professionals. Do they come back warm? Do they seem to have been fed and given drinks? Does your toddler want to go again?
I hope it goes well but I know you’ll worry about your little ones while they’re away from you. Try to do something for you in that time even if it’s only watch rubbish tv and have a cuppa with no interruptions xxxx

[Jelly bean]

Thanks serenity I will look into that! Never even thought of asking them for advice.

White rose, the contact is currently in a contact centre and it’s for a short period of time at the minute so it’s easy for him to put on a show if that makes sense.
For a short while, for reasons out of our control, the contact has been at my house with a 3rd party there too so I’m not alone with him, so the real side of him comes out more as there is no one there he needs to fool. On a recent visit my youngest child was crying for a long long period of time, he didn’t do anything other than put her in a bouncer chair untill she had fallen to sleep, he didn’t ask if she needed a feed or check the normal things you would check (I’m not to get involved when he is there). After he had gone and she woke up, I picked her up to find she had soiled her nappy and it was all stuck onto her and she was really sore! And during that same visit he just ignored the eldest child, which left her bored and she came to play with me – I wasn’t going to ignore her in our own home so I played a game with her.

The contact will resume at the contact centre soon. But I just worry that because I’m not there for those visits I can’t actually log anything because I’m not there to see it. And my eldest child can tell me things but she’s too young for them to take her word. She’s very silent after her visits, I find it strange. She will not speak about it to me at all and she’s quiet for the rest of the day. Also she never talks about him in day to day life like she does everyone else. She wil name every person in her family including his family but she never once names him. I just worry about her 🙁

I never say a bad word about him (infront of her anyway) and I always take a positive attitude towards the contact, saying she’s going to have fun etc and when I ask her about it I try to be the same but she is just silent.

I’m currently making a log of things that happen during/after every visit in a hope it may help, I just feel like there’s no way I can protect my babies from being neglected!

Sorry for the long post x

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