How do you ask them to leave safely

[Justwokenup]

I’ve tried asking my partner to leave over the past 12 months and he either Crys begging me to not take his home and family away from him or shouts and throws things. Either way we sleep on it and he’s still there .

Im too scared to mention it now as it doesn’t work anyway, maybe it’s my fault for not being clear or not following it up the next day ? Am I not doing it right !

I came back to the family home (timeframe removed by Moderator) after staying at a friend’s for (timeframe removed by Moderator). I came bk on the understanding that my youngest child needed his own home and it wasn’t to try and repair the marriage.  That we were separated

We’ve been in seperate rooms since and somehow we’ve gone from yes we’ve split up and just living in the same house to my husband trying to show me he’s changed and looking to work on things – that’s from his perspective not mine . I dont know how we’ve got here !!

How have you asked your partners to leave ? Has it been peaceful or violent?

I just can’t get those final words out my mouth as I’m scared of the result plus I feel it would be a waste of time as he’d still be there.

Can I get a court order for him to leave before I ask him to go so it’s ready for when he kicks off? With out him knowing obviously.  I want him to go and not to be able to come bk. He pulls out all the stops and makes me feel sorry for him and confused.  I can only do it with zero contact, I feel so weak 🙁

Or would it be best to just leave and try and get him out after ?

 

[Bananaboat]

Unfortunately he won’t leave. They don’t and will happily live in this weird limbo for years if allowed to. Remember you’re his supply, they’re parasites. It’s incredibly hard when you’ve been worn down so badly but the only option is for you to take the lead on any action. Have you spoken to womansaid on the live chat? If married you’ll probably need some legal advice too. I’ve lived this twice in different relationships and it’s no life, you deserve better and can’t move on & recover whilst still in the same house, unfortunately you’re not dealing with a reasonable & rational person in abuse.

[Justwokenup]

Thanks for your reply Bananaboat , you’re right I’m trying to Mental prepare to either leave or ask him to.  Im not sure if can do it on my own . Everytime I think of it i  panic, I also roll between is it that bad and he’s really trying to sort things out to this won’t ever be what it should be . I cant forget the past and know the future will be more of the same merri go round .  I cant live under these restrictions anymore and I know that he’s only ok as I’m fitting in with what he wants me to do 
How did you do it,  if you dont mind me asking ?

[Bananaboat]

Look into FOG, fear obligation and guilt – it helped me. So that first time I ended up living with several years, way way longer than humanly fair. We weren’t married but co-owned and I had to arrange to sell.

The other one we joint rented. He refused to leave, made threats and in the background I sourced a new home. Telling him gos I was so scared, I nearly pulled out and remember physically shaking but in the end I sat on the sofa and just blurted out I’m moving on x date and giving notice on this house.

They react, never quite how you expect and always to with try and win you back or make out they’re the victim. I remember just praying someone else would do it, tell him or whisk me out of there but we have to be our own heros and stick to it. That’s the hard bit, even once you’ve drawn that line they’ll still poke poke poke and you have to say no. It’s not easy, I flipped and flopped, had panic attacks, cried, wobbled but that first night out I felt relief.

A friend had police on hand when she moved out, I don’t know how she arranged that but maybe another option. So sorry you’re going through this xx

[Sad and alone]

@Justwokenup you sound ahead of me at least in separate rooms but still being in the same place is going to make it difficult with him having you close enough still to be able to try and convince you he’s changing. I can’t offer advice as I am still here. I am not in a good place emotionally and feel if something doesn’t change I don’t know what will happen. The cycling round and round is a nightmare. He doesn’t ever try and change towards me though, he keeps saying it’s all on me. I should be able to leave as he doesn’t even put on a show of affection but I feel I have so many things tying me to my life. When I say about splitting up he gets mad and says no and that I just have to change. I feel trapped. We co-own and it’s more than a house and I couldn’t manage it by myself so would be the one to move out. I just can’t cut the ties to my responsibilities.
Hope you find a way. It sounds like you’re making progress at least.

[Justwokenup]

@bannaboat I had to chuckle when I looked up FOG. It fits exactly!!

I have some much guilt thinking I should leave and I dont know why. His main thing is that he isn’t well and I should be looking after him , that I’m not sympathetic enough !! Given his past treatment is that a surprise. Why would I want to be kind and loving to someone who has been abusive?

I have no idea why im finding so difficult to do the final step and break up – all the reason to stay aren’t the right ones. House finances feeling sorry for him that he will loses everything ! Ive put him first throughout our entire relationship and look where that got me !

I’ve read up on trama bonds and I think this must be why . I look at him and know I don’t love him so regardless of everything else that should be enough!! I have this urge to protect him and make sure he’s OK which is ridiculous given the past !! I never used to think about past instances but most days now it’s all I think about something will trigger a memory of an instance that I’d hidden away and it makes me look at him I’m a different way.

And its not even the physical violence as this has subsided as we’ve got older – its the other behaviour that i didn’t realise until joining this group was also abusive!!

I dont feel like i can be my true self around him as to much has happened in the past !!  We don’t really speak and past experience has taught me to not tell him anything of importance or my fears etc as he uses it against me later on.  I dont trust him to make a chance and stick with it and I dont think I ever will.

In one of our arguments he said don’t tell me my past behaviour has cost me the love of my life !! Really !! If I was the love of his life why would he treat me like that in the first place? He’s let me down so many times this last effort of his to change is meaningless.

 

[Justwokenup]

Im maybe be slightly ahead but you’ll get there @sadandalone.

I truly believe it is a process you have to follow from realising it’s not right to getting away !!

Trust the process and keep following it no matter how long it takes !

Whether to start with it’s connecting on here or just reading other’s experiences.  Keep going and when the times right you’ll be ready to reach out for external help.

Keep reminding yourself it’s not you and look forward to the day your free – these things that bind us to these men aren’t important houses , finances , company,  what ever it is isnt as important as being your true self and being safe !!

Im trying to get iver that part myself lol I love my horses and everything in it but is this a reason to stay unhappy !!

 

[Justwokenup]

That should be house not horses 😒

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