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As some of you know, my other half has left the family home though the sale is yet to go through so he still has a legal right to come back until that all happens. We have one adult child who chooses not to speak to him and an older teen who does still have a relationship with him. They are both 100% supportive of the split.
He’s been away now (detail removed by Moderator) and the atmosphere in the house is just so much more relaxed. We walk around this house with no fear at all. The problem I have is that my ex still texts me and sometimes calls me. In his eyes, he is 100% a victim. Every day there is a new drama or event that just gives him the evidence he needs to validate how c**p everything about his life his. He calls me to moan about how poorly he is being treated by the people who are helping him. Its like he can’t let go relying on my even though he made my life an absolute living hell, especially these last few months. He seems to forget all the things he has said and done and then expects me to sympathise and provide him with some sort of emotional support. And I just dont know how to handle it. I want to keep communication civilised for the sake f our child and also until the house sale actually has completed. But on the other hand, i dont want to be his emotional crutch any more. I’ve had enough of that, of being around so much negativity. I’m also so aware that he can turn back up at any moment so until I’m legally free, I’m not going to feel properly free.
I know this is so much better now than it has been but it just feels like, its one step forward and then a thousand emotional steps backwards. I just feel like I’m floundering at the moment, not really sure how to deal with this transitional phase. I feel guilty that he is struggling and bad for him but then I also think he didnt give a c**p all those times that he had me in tears and tried to break me. Its all so confusing. -
Hi tiredofitall,
It’s a really positive step forward that he’s out of the home and that this has had such an impact on the atmosphere you and your children are living in. How you’re feeling is totally understandable though. You’re still a bit in limbo until the sale is completed and you’ve had years of keeping on high alert for his abuse, it does take time to unpick the responses that become habitual living with an abuser. The fear of what he might do is still having an impact, as it would for anyone in your situation.
On top of that, he’s continuing to try and manipulate you with these texts and calls, that sounds exhausting. Some women find it helpful to get a cheap second phone, give the abuser that number, and block him on their main phone. This means the lines of communication are still open but you can more easily put boundaries in place for when you choose to engage because the second phone can be turned off and put away.
Keep reaching out here, you’re not alone in struggling with the transition.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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