How do you cope with niceness

[Enidblyton]

My husband has done a lot of things that aren’t nice. Hence me being on here. The last one ended up with police arresting him. It’s been almost (detail removed by Moderator) since that night. He has been back in touch. Declaring his undying love. Talking about suicide, as he says he can’t live without me. And being generally nice, loving, kind. How do I respond? I mean, I already have, by reciprocating the kindness but I have also said this doesn’t change the fact I am leaving and divorcing (haven’t lived together since the night it happened). I said I will always love him (which is true) but I need to separate myself (and the kids) away from his behaviour. He said he understands and (detail removed by Moderator). This has confused me no end. But I feel like I’ve went along with it and it was the wrong thing to do. I just didn’t want him so upset and I wanted us both to focus on something else. But surely that focus can’t be healthy – or can it? If we both focus on separating our finances and living independently then think about dating again once we have both had counselling and found ourselves. Is that the stupidest idea? I feel like even if it is, it can be something which will get me through, one without him turning nasty on me, and 2, to help me think it’s not the absolute end. He is all I have ever known and I’m approaching (detail removed by Moderator). We have grown up together. Thanks for listening.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome, sorry you find yourself here but well done for getting away.

‘This has confused me no end’ is exactly his aim! His words are impacting your ability to leave him fully and build a future without him. You’re being strong saying no stay away but are considering healing but with a possibility of (detail removed by Moderator) him again – unfortunately you’ll never heal like that and sadly, you’re setting yourself up for more pain as he’ll most likely find a new supply and you’ll be left heartbroken. They can’t be alone. I know that sounds harsh but this tactic is very common – keep you hooked disguised as love, so he can either come back to his life with you, or keep you as a back up option. Being nice makes you doubt the bad, triggers memories of good times, makes you wobble on ending it! It’s just a game, a tactic to get what he wants sadly.

Right now you’re still trauma bonded, dealing with the fallout of the incident and looking after the kids. We forget we’re going through a break up and it’s ok to have good & bad days, remember the good times just don’t forget the bad ones!! Look into the Grey rock method of communicating and wean yourself off talking to him about things, read up on the trauma bond, and focus on you & the kids.

If he is truly sorry, truly wants you back and is your future then please watch his actions, not his words! He’ll need extensive support to change. But similarly don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself back with him, many of us tried again hoping it would be different but sadly 99% of us should’ve believed that version he showed you that lead to the police. xx

[minimeerkat]

you will still be so vulnerable to any manipulation at the moment
and yes i understand how difficult it is seeing them so upset & remorseful. as well as the fear of them becoming nasty. it usually alternates between the two because if you are not responding to the niceness then it can easily provoke the rage
there are so many emotions to deal with once we have taken this step – for example grief, guilt, fear. only please be aware that your partner will sense these feelings & take complete advantage of this in order to keep as much control over you as possible
so its whether you are strong enough to prevent this type communication you are currently having with your partner from continuing, at least temporarily – enough time to ensure you are not being influenced to this degree & therefore able to have the necessary time to think straight
i know its not easy at all to put yourself first right now, but if you can it will help you so very much. needing time is not a lot to ask of your partner after what he has put you through
try to stay strong x

[Enidblyton]

Thank you for bringing me back. I needed that. I feel like letting him in – just by communicating, is a slippery slope and I shouldn’t have opened the door. I do want niceness for the children though. I am keeping on with my appointments, a woman’s abuse agency next week, a mortgage advisor this week and I will be seeing my solicitor. I am not going back this time. Not for anything. The children must come first and I would hate my child to put up with something like this when they are older. I need to set an example for them. Thanks for replies.

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