How do you deal with victim blaming?

[Lifebegins]

Hi Ladies,

I’ve been out for quite a while now with no contact with my ex due to a non-mol being in place but I’m having to deal with their hideous 3rd party instead. Put it this way, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and it’s triggering me and really stressing me out.

Even though I’ve never done anything wrong and had to finally go to the police after years and years of abuse as I was in danger (some ladies who’ve been on the forum a while may remember urging me to get out and go to the police), his family blame me for everything. They ignore and excuse him being an abuser, not only of me but more recently of my child and treat me like the villain and him, the victim.

My own family live very faraway so I’ve got to deal with his r3rd parties and one is a real controlling bully. I really want to tell them straight exactly what my ex is and what he’s done and give them the full facts/evidence and ask how they can sleep at night aiding and abetting with such a piece of @&*! – just let them have it full throttle!! This narrative goes round and round in my head (I’m fantasising about what I’d say to them if I could) and because I can’t get say anything and I’ve still got to deal with them, I’m not able to move on in my head.

Any advice please on how to move on from this? And if you’ve experienced dealing with an awful 3rd party, how did you cope with it? I want to get to the stage of when I receive a s****y email, I just laugh at it not feel bullied again.

Any and all thoughts (and virtual hugs) welcome 🙏 xx

[Twisted Sister]

oh bless you, sending big hugs your way. This sounds appalling for you, and yes, harmful and preventing you from moving on, but also the risk to your child is increasing from what you say.

You can surely write to court to have the third party reviewed because the TP functions the same as the perp. Give some examples. Another thought is to give Rights of Women a call if you have the time available to keep trying them at the times they operate. They would able to advise on the legalities and how best to go forward.

I’m so sorry this is still happening to you both. I struggle to see how its not conceivable that similar behaviours could be evident in the family group, and close friends, because surely often that behaviour is protected by those around in their close circle. Do you have a note of anything, everything, each incident and behaviour of this abuse toward yourself and your child? I would try to detail anything you have and take it to the court, or unless you have a solicitor.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lifebegins]

Thanks TS. Good shout. I will see what advice I can get from Rights of Women re: child contact arrangements just difficult getting through.

I wasn’t clear in my post but the non- mol has now expired (it has served me well though and I’d urge women in doubt about applying for one to do it) so it’s either him or horrible 3rd party (detail removed by Moderator). I definitely won’t be dealing with either for child contact arrangements – I’d go to court first then have this bullying continuing on for x number of years

My problem with this is in my head, I need to move on and get the negative thoughts about my treatment at the hands of him and his family out of my mind. Logically I know that his family would rather blame me than have to face that their son/brother etc is an abusive monster but the unfairness of it all and how he’s portrayed as the victim really gets my goat. he abused me, (detail removed by Moderator), messed about with child arrangements to the detriment of my child and me, he and his family repeatedly bad mouthed me to my child and now he physically/ emotionally abused my child (who I’m so proud of as they had the courage to speak out)and yet his family still defend him and blame me and treat me horribly. I just want to scream.

I’m so tired of these negative thoughts in my head about this situation and just want to fill my head with good things and enjoy life. I probably sound selfish with all the dreadful things women in this forum are going through (believe me I understand and sympathise as I lived it for many many years). I just want to move on though and live my best life and this is really holding my recovery back. I’m nearly nearly there – life is good in so many ways and I’m thankful every day; it’s just this last hurdle I want him and them out of my head and to be in the position when they behave in a c****y way, I find it laughable and it’s water off a ducks back!

I feel a little bit better just getting all that out but grateful for any advice/ experiences that can be shared xx

[Twisted Sister]

I honestly think the best thing for you and your child are to stop contact completely, especially as your child has now spoken out themselves about the abuse. I don’t think they ever stop, or rarely, and the only way is to take control of your lives back, stop the abuse by stopping all contact. Have your journal written of chronological incidents, in case they decide to take you to court for contact; lets face it, you won’t be in any worse a position that you are now, right? Alternatively, apply for another non-mol based on the abuses and your child’s disclosure. If your child tells a professional, like a teacher, or gp, they will have to take this further and involve child services. Take control yourself, so you can move on with your life. You won’t until you do. You can be free when the abuse stops to you and your child.

warmest wishes

ts

[Crazydaisy]

I feel terrible for you and this resonates with me alot… thing is, enablers of abusers don’t care what they did, your the problem because “you are not family”… and sad as it is why would they believe you, I put up with this for years, sun shone out of his every orifice but yet the problem was apparently me… don’t let them get to you is the only way you can keep your sanity and your head held high, no matter what you tell them, they won’t care… (detail removed by Moderator).. you just have to always remember, the issue was him… not you and the enablers that allow it… one day they’ll see it was all him through either someone new or they’ll get it first hand from him… karma is a wonderful thing! I hope all goes well for you and your continual recovery, your doing amazing xx

[Anonymous]

Lifebegins I can so relate to the feelings of injustice you describe and wanting to tell the families exactly how it is and what happened!!! Unfortunately even if you did that, it would never be enough. They will likely never see the behaviour for what it is like crazydaisy says. How the families of these abusers enable them and turn a blind eye to their behaviour is shameful. Sadly, if they accepted the abusers behaviour they would have to face their own behaviour and the part they play in the abuse. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I think this is particularly true for the parents of abusers…

I agree with TS, getting distance from him and his family will enable you to have space to heal away from constantly being re abused. I also think time helps a lot. As time goes on you will get stronger and be able to laugh it off. They won’t live rent free in your head forever!

[Lifebegins]

Thanks 1234freedom. I was writing my post while you were writing yours but there was some identical thoughts! Great minds think alike!

I love the ‘won’t live rent free in your head forever’ that is spot on how I’ve been feeling. I can’t wait until that day comes. Hopefully I’m one step closer.

Your support is so very much appreciated xx

[Lifebegins]

Thanks TS and Crazydaisy. I feel better this evening from just sharing. This forum is amazing for making you feel understood and supported. I don’t think I would’ve got as far as I have without it and all you fab ladies who take the time to respond and are so giving with your advice and experience. It is much appreciated xx

Well I’m going to pull my big girl pants up and take control as you suggested TS. I think I’ve been fighting the fight so long and it’s been an especially challenging few weeks that I’ve got worn down and fatigued and it’s weakened my resolve. I’m letting actions and opinions of people who are absolute no marks get the better of me and as Crazydaisy says will always have his back whatever he does.

I read back my first posts on here today to take stock and it was a revelation as to how far I’ve come. Despite the physical, emotional, verbal, financial and child abuse, and everything else my ex and his family have thrown at me, I’m still here, with my child and we’re going from strength to strength. And despite how I’ve felt inside, I have time and time again shown them that I’m not going to be bullied, even if I’ve felt dreadful inside. It’s made me realise I’m actually fighting myself with my negative thoughts as they have no idea I’m having them. That said, you can’t help how you feel and I guess it’s ok to feel downright awful sometimes.

I can’t talk about legal stuff obviously but I made a decision today on how to progress. I’m going to talk it over with family but I think it’s the right one. I’ve also realised I’m giving them my power when I get upset with s****y correspondence and behaviour. It’s just words. How I react to it is up to me. So for my next response to a horrible email, I’m going to be as nice as pie in my response as if it’s gone right over my head – made me laugh out loud just thinking about it.

You made a really interesting point Crazydaisy about karma. I’m not sure there is such a thing. But I really really hope so xxxxx

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