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I’m still with my boyfriend but looking back the warning signs were there from the very early days. I was technically still a child when I met him. As you can imagine, like most abusive relationships there have been countless episodes but there are a few from the early days that I’ve not forgotten..
He made a comment to me after the first night we spent together (he said it over messages) something along the lines of how I hadn’t performed a certain sexual act. I remember feeling quite hurt but I let it go. I also remember when he left mine that first time I sobbed on the floor as soon as I shut the door.. Not normal behaviour on my behalf I know but I just felt so sad he was gone.
He’d arrange to come and stay at my parents but would then cancel a lot last minute. I’m not even sure if he had much of an excuse when I think back. Possibly said it was because of his anxiety. I used to drive myself crazy thinking of what the reasons could be. (A family member even thought maybe he wet the bed so was embarassed to stay!). I remember crying when he would cancel.
He made a comment about how ‘all of his ex girlfriends had been good looking’ which made me feel uncomfortable.
When he first spoke to me about his ex girlfriend from school he said she was a d**khead but then used to stalk her on social media (I used to go on his computer history and see all her pictures he had been looking at). Then years on we saw her in real life somewhere and he was nice as pie and went ballistic at me after for ‘not letting him catch up with her on his own’.
He told me there’s always going to be someone more attractive than everyone in life because of celebrities etc which made me feel insecure.
During one of the first sexual encounters we had he stormed out in the middle because I struggled to do something he wanted to do. I felt so bad like it was all my fault.
One of the rare times he was at my parents house (our whole relationship I was always the one to go to his – probably as he has more control that way) he wanted to have sex and I really didnt want to because my parents were literally in the other room and I felt really uncomfortable about that kind of thing but did it anyway.
My question is, how do you ‘forgive’ yourself? Looking back I can see I was so young and naive and had no previous relationship experience so it was doomed from the start really.
I can’t help but think if only.. If only I hadn’t realised then I could have done so much more by now. Would probably be in a better position than I am now. Instead I’m still with him and feeling trapped. The forum and reading literature on abuse are my two lifeline and I’ve made some progress since first joining here but it’s not happening fast. I’m envious of women on here who get out soon after joining the forum. It makes me feel weak for not leaving already.
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I met my husband when I was late teens and he was much older. I’ve never been an adult without him. Soon after we met the aduse started but it didn’t last long then it stopped. I think I was too young to understand. Now I’m decades forward (that sounds so bad lol) and the abuse is so much worse. I look back at things and I dunno the answer, I guess I tell myself I didn’t understand. Plus they are very good manipulators. I too read posts of women who are further along this road than me and feel.. That could be me… Just not yet.. Not never.. Just not yet. One day someone will think that about us as we get out.
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Don’t compare yourself with others, it’s making you think negatively of yourself when you need to focus on building yourself up. All of us on here, our paths and circumstances are different. I left 12 months after joining this forum. It was a mixture of having my ducks in a row and an opportunity arising. I had been thinking of leaving almost immediately after moving in together many years earlier but was in a different financial position then etc. There were very different things to consider. I’d also tried to end the relationship many times before living together.
There were red flag six months into my relationship. I was a different person back then. Always looking for the good in people, vulnerable single mum with a very young child, willing to compromise myself for the needs of others etc. I thought I had it figured out, I didn’t…
I found when I was still in the abusive relationship I berated myself about getting into the mess in the first place. I wanted to wish it away, I wanted it not be happening, I wanted someone to save me. I swing between seeing the reality of the man I loved to thinking of made it all up. I think it just kept me from the reality of the ‘here and now’ and kept me from inaction. If you were in a burning house would you sit and think about how you shouldn’t have left the candle burning? No! You’d grab your stuff and get out. I know that’s an extreme comparison and I’m not dating you should be packing up and leaving your ex right now, but you get my point, that thinking over the past too much just upsets and frustrates and can keep us stuck. Spend that time thinking about your future. I am in a place now, having left, where I accept that I missed red flags. I understand that part of this was because of the complex nature of domestic abuse. I forgive myself. I took a leap of faith for what I thought was love. It didn’t work out and I’m growing from that.
Breaking free is so hard. Work on yourself and your journey. You’ll read lots of different experiences on here. Take from them what’s helpful and meaningful to you. We are here to support each other ❤️ -
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In my opinion the reason why we miss the red flag is because they are such good manipulators. Usually we are so caught at blaming ourselves trying to change ourselves or “fix ourselves” to make them stop that we fail to notice that we are the victims in these situations and in fact it’s not our faults but THEIRS.
One example is that early in my marriage when we will have an argument and I will try to voice my discontent or my feelings, I remember him trying to silence me, in fact he used to tell me and managed to convince me that I should not be feeling that way( in fact I had no right to feel that way). I remember that i would just concede in the end by fear of making him mad, or he would usually stormed off if the conversation didn’t go his way. These outbursts would leave me very angry and confused. Angry because i was never allowed to express my feelings to him as he would just dismiss me, and confused as I didn’t understand the reason why he got so mad. We had years of this, still I didn’t realise that this was emotional abuse because i was so busy trying to fix my anger issues so that i could make him happy. In hindsight they were even more red flags, like he never apologised when he was wrong in fact blame me for everything.
I think it’s a very long process to forgive yourself as you feel so stupid that you should have known better. But you need to be gentle with yourself and know that you are the victim here, and the abuser has manipulated you to the point where you had ceased to see clearly. By the sound of what you wrote you have made tremendous steps forward by educating yourself as now you know it’s was never your fault and you can begin forgiving yourself, loving yourself and telling yourself that you are worthy and deserve so much better. I too I’m still with the my husband and but the fact that one of my girls is now a teenager I’ve realised if i don’t take action now she will go into adulthood thinking this a normal relationship, and this is my worst fear that I have not taught my daughter to not settle for less. I am determined to change that. Sending you love and hope that you find a way out-
Everything you described is what mine is or has been like. Thinking back it definitely got worse when we properly moved in together too. I think before as I was only going to stay with him for the weekend or half a week etc it wasn’t so bad as I got respite/time at home with my family etc. Things were often quite rosy as it was just like having a little holiday when I’d visit and we’d do nice things then leave and have our own space. Having said that I expect there’s a lot I’ve forgotten about that happened back then as I had no idea what was happening so didn’t keep a journal or anything.
I feel the same about anger. I’m much more restricted with how I’m allowed to be now eg being angry. If I’m annoyed he treats me like I’m overreacting or will blow up at me.
I’m sure you will get there, I often feel like if I can do it eventually then anyone can! But I expect we all feel like that at some stage. I wish you all the best xx
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You have absolutely nothing to forgive yourself for. Forgiving yourself means you have done something that needs forgiven and that’s not true. My first sexual encounter with my ex was a violent rape. I went on to marry him and it took me decades to work out I was being abused. After I was free I likened him to Rasputin. They are good at sniffing out prey, at pushing and testing. At cruelty then waiting to see how we react. They don’t want an equal. None of this is your fault. It’s a complex mental progression of brain washing, programming, intimate terrorism and will take time to unpick and re wire your thought process.
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I’ve known for years that my relationship is abusive. I only came on here when I was already feeling more ready to leave so I don’t think length of time in this forum means anything.
My first relationship wasn’t abusive at all. That suggests to me that lots of people could be in our situation but they’ve been lucky and not met an abuser. I don’t think anybody really knows how they’d respond to abuse, including the early signs unless they’ve experienced it.
I started a course on Daily Om about abuse. It says nobody gets taught about the early signs of abuse. I think it’s easy to look back and think it was obvious but we all did the best we could at the time. If you imagine taking to somebody the age you were when you met him who’s is a similar relationship I’m sure you’d have loads of empathy and compassion for her. We’re usually not good at doing that for ourselves but you deserve it just as much.
I think getting stuck on what you wish you had done is part of the mess the abuse causes. The abuser convinced you it’s all your fault so you try desperately to work out what you did wrong. It’s human nature to go back over past “mistakes” as if that will help right then somehow. Going over and over it in a ruminating sort of way is having to experience it again. Don’t give him that power. It’s not the same as making sense of it in counselling/therapy. I know it’s hard but try not to punish yourself any more. Do you deserve any more punishment? No, you didn’t deserve any of it and you absolutely don’t deserve any more. Xxxx
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