How do you keep no contact when they are being so ‘reasonable’

[newlife2015]

My ex is asking me to meet him with the children for lunch or a drink on one of our handovers over the holidays- he thinks it will be good for the children to see us being civil to one another. He also wants to talk on the phone more about the children too.

My gut is saying I don’t trust him but when he is being ‘nice’ like this I think that maybe he has changed and he genuinely wants to work together for the sake of the children. Advice please!

[Anonymous]

My dh did this too. I have a set of lovely emails and texts asking me to meet up with him and lo for a drink/ food. These are now being used by dh to show the court how lovely and reasonable he is. Don’t go for it. It’s all about control again.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

Tread carefully remember what you have been through.

Sad to say there with be an alterative motive.

FS xx

[White Rose]

I agree be very wary.
What will it feel like to the children? Will they be confused? If he kicks off will they be upset – you will I’m sure.
Only you can decide but I’d suggest you follow your gut instinct xx

[KIP.]

Write down every piece of abuse you have suffered and how it made you feel. When the temptation comes, read it. If he’s been abusive in the past, he’s not going to change now. Save yourself. Set boundaries now and stick to them. You don’t have to spend any time with him to prove you can be civil. Just a ploy to get you near enough to slap. Take care. I’ve been there and they are so good at mind games x

[newlife2015]

Thank you everyone – I know you are all right – I just feel this really strong pull towards him when he is being reasonable like this! If any of you were asking the same question I would be saying don’t meet and let him get inside your head so I don’t know why it is so difficult to follow my own advice! Hope you are all well and thank you for taking the time to let me have your words of wisdom 🙂

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I think like you sometimes, but reality is they always have another motive, dont meet up aand by doing this you are showing your children that you do not accept abusive behaviour and you are showing you are being sensible and reasonable because you are allowing him to see the children . It takes two minutes for them to get inour head and effect our thinking , 100% dotn agree to this

[newlife2015]

Thank you Confused123 – I did decline as soon as he mentioned it but ever since I have been worrying about it! When he gets the chance to talk to me he keeps taking as if we are ‘friends’ and everything in the past is in the past (almost like it has never happened!) and we need to be friends for the sake of the children etc so just feel really guilty (even though I know it is his game playing!). As far as I am concerned everything for kids can be sorted out on text and email 🙂

[Herindoors]

I struggled with the same issue until our child actually stopped wanting to see him (she’s adult now). Confused123’s answer really resonated with me ‘don’t meet up and by doing this you are showing your children that you do not accept abusive behaviour’….that is so true. I used to try and stay on the fence when talking about him with my daugther. Actually this is the wrong thing to do as it left her confused about her decision to see him. He was making her uncomfortable but she thought it was the right thing to do to see him. I don’t run him down on purpose but I answered her questions honestly. Then I worried about doing that and spoke to my counsellor about it and she said it was the right thing to do, simply because my daughter needed all the facts to make her mind up.

[Suntree]

I did, “your time with the kids is so short I am sure you would want to spend as much time with them as you can without me being there.”
“I would prefer that we put everything down in an email, that way we both know and can refer back to what was agreed without confusion.”
I am glad I did because when he was tried to tell the court that I was not doing x, y and z and causing him great distress and as such he needed the order changed.
Where as if I didn’t have the paper trail he sounded so reasonable I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

[newlife2015]

Thank you all for your great advice – know in my heart of hearts that you are all right so I will continue to stand my ground – just find that some days I am stronger to resist than others! Thank you all x*x

[Serenity]

Whilst I don’t badmouth my ex if I can help it ( for many reasons, in my specific situation), I think my refusal to see him speaks volumes, and had enabled my eldest also to make the decision to stay away from him.

It helped my son vote with his feet.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Hope u feeling stronger,i know they do get inour heads and make us doubt ourselves but please do keep reminding yourself that this mr friendly is allan act, u r beeingcivil and u dont need to meet up with him to prove anything,always keep converation mininium with them and point out we onlt discussing what is essemtial

[newlife2015]

Thanks Confused123 – got caught out this week dropping something of the children’s through his door- he is trying to make out that he is Mr Goodguy and trying to make me feel guilty for everything that he brought on himself in the first place! His words are going around and round in my head even after a ten minute conversation (although I wouldn’t really say conversation as he was doing most of the talking – as normal!).

[newlife2015]

Makes me feel weak and guilty every time (even when I remember everything he has done) – he is SO manipulative and has an answer/excuse for everything. He said this morning that during our marriage he was being honest with e all along i.e. he told me about the other woman (in detail) only because he was caught out – apparently this shows he is not a bad person and he is honest although plenty of other men would have kept it secret! I mentioned a few other incidents that happened and the daily following me around and he said they were only because he wanted to talk to me! And he was stressed as he did everything! (even though I worked full-time). Basically he minimised everything as normal!

[Duck]

I know how you’re feeling. I’m trying to break ties with my ex, like sorting out finances, and he’s suddenly being all nice and trying to meet for coffee and telling me how he is there for me. I know it’s all a ruse because he never asks how I am, but instead asks me to explain how I’m feeling about it all. He’s not interested in me, nor does he contact me for my sake, it is always because he has an ulterior motive. I want to go no contact with him, but he tries to contact me often and tries to be all nice! It does make me feel guilty, like I’m being unfair, but the other day I mentioned the abuse on the phone and he still doesn’t seem to recognise it. I start to almost doubt it was that bad, but then I look at a photo I have of my bruises and it reminds me how horrific it was.

Please don’t feel weak and guilty. I know exactly why you would feel like that, but it’s not your fault. I don’t think convincing ourselves that they do everything deliberately helps, but I think we have to acknowledge that they don’t think like we would want them to and that they honestly think they are doing the right thing, however twisted it may be in reality! I know my ex cares so much about himself that no one else matters and that I am a prize that got away. I was adored by him at times and then neglected the rest of the time. Being with me now has more appeal now that I am gone. These men will do whatever they can to control situations where they can get what they want, whether it be having you back or simply getting their own way.
x

[newlife2015]

Thanks Duck – well done for staying so strong. He has tried to be so reasonable over Easter but I am trying my best to keep contact limited 🙂

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