How do you know he’s changing?

[soapt]

Hello, new here! Before coming here, I was seeking guidance from an infidelity website as the wayward spouse, but all of the posters were telling me how abusive my husband is, and that my “affair” is the least of my worries. Every single one. My story is complex so I will post the link to that infidelity forum here so you can read details of my post if you want to. (detail removed by moderator)

The main points are that my husband has been insecure and jealous from day 1. For the duration of my marriage, he has coerced me into having sex with other men, made me feel guilty about it, then I cheated on him and my loneliness became my personal hell, where he then became very verbally abusive, yelling, calling names, accusing me of cheating again, getting annoyed/angry if I don’t satisfy his sexual needs every day, making threats of divorce and suicide, locking me out of our home and keeping our daughter from me for up to a week at a time. There has been one instance where he slapped my face (“D-Day”). No one knew anything. I slept in my car most of those nights. He also hated the idea of me going to counseling. He is willing to go to counseling but refuses to discuss anything prior to my affair (his shameful sexual addiction).

As I see it now, he has been an insecure, n**********c controlling husband. These are the worst parts about him. On the other hand, he is smart, kind to others, generous, funny, romantic, and he is a good father. He takes care of me in other ways like fixing and remodeling our house, letting me spend money without a real budget, telling me I’m beautiful, makes sure I have a nice vehicle to drive, letting me choose where to eat or take vacations, and makes hard decisions in the business. No one would know he would ever call me names, do awful sexual things or threaten to kick me out. On the outside, everyone tells me what I stand-up man I have and how lucky I must be.

The things keeping me from leaving immediately are:
1. My daughter’s birthday is coming up very soon. Her memory is impeccable and she is quite sensitive. I don’t want to ruin her birthday.
2. I don’t have a lawyer yet.
3. We are in deep debt in our business and that includes deposits from customers and sales tax owed to the state. The business is 100% in my name. The debt is mine on paper even though it is really his business. I literally can’t run it without him, he does things I can’t do.
4. He has been changing. Such as; he started going to church, he is making moves in our business so we can get out of debt, he stops himself when he gets too aggressive, he can sometimes admit when he is wrong when he couldn’t before, and he isn’t expecting sexual favors every day. Now he’s treating me like I’m an actual human being. He is likely sensing that I have one foot out the door. I am probably clinging to false hope that it’s true change.

How do you know it’s real change though?

Overall, I know I need to separate, maybe not divorce, but I need to move out. It’s just a matter of when and how. I need strength and direction! Thanks for any input.

(detail removed by moderator)

[WhiteDaffodils]

Hi! It’s so tough isn’t to see the wood from the trees when you love someone and want to believe in them, in their better nature, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Nobody is all bad I don’t think…I know I stayed for so long because of the good in him, because of the good bits in-between all the abuse, because of the life we’d built, because of how we were perceived as a great couple, because of the kids. Like you I would always postpone taking action because of upcoming milestones and planned events – it was always a bad time to rock the boat!! And one thing I always knew for sure that he would never let me go easily, that he would for sure make my life hell.
Please be kind to yourself. When you are ready, you are ready. Until then remember that you and your daughter deserve to live without abuse in your lives. Loving gestures and generous gifts doesn’t make abuse right – and it Durand amount to unconditional love.

How do you know if he is really changing? It’s a tough one. I’m sure you know about the cycle of abuse, if not read up on it. Do you feel you could discuss this with him without fear? Can you trust him?

My biggest lesson has been to unashamedly follow my gut. To no longer trying to explain and reason with what I feel instinctively, but just act on it and believe it as my true north to keep me safe and doing the right thing by myself and my kids. It’s a really tough road but one that I’m glad to be on at last.

Good luck!

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome to the forum, you arebin the right place. Your husbandnis a classic typical abuser. If ou read some stories on here you will see lots of similar patterns.

I would suggest contacting your local womans aid, talking to rape crisis line (if it is safe for you to call).

I am decades married and am getting.free 30 min appointments with solicitors (my husband has a business and is a high earner, he has hidden lots of money).

I learnt that there is never a right time to leave. I put it off because I didn’t want to upset our children, same as you, inwaa worried about the finances/mortgage, in the end I followed my gut and separated (best thing I did) but i had support in place (DA worker informed my GP and eventuallythe police, that was because my husband upped his abuse when we separate).

Your post says how he stops himself getting too aggressive, meaning he has control over his emotions, he is not out of control when he is aggressive and abusive towards you, he knows exactly what he is doing to you and it is all deliberate. He will not stop, do not underestimate him.

The book, Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is really helpful and empowering as it helped me understand the abuse (Sexual Abuse as well) I had endured).

Also, it helped to keep a journal of the abuse, I used my phone to keep notes, it helped me to understand the patterns as well stopping me dountjng myself (and all the promises my husband made).

I would strongly suggest that you seek counselling alone, unless you have a DA trained counsellor as abusers are excellent at manipulating therapists/counsellors to get them on side with them, they do anything to make you look bad, crazy or confused, non of which you sound, it is just what a lot of abusers do.

Keep posting as there’s so many woman on here with amazing advice… you see thr abuse and in my experience once you see it your cannot unsee it and your husband is likely to up his abuse.

Lots of love ❤️

[soapt]

Thank you!

He is very convincing. Ugh there is just so much to dissect!

Because of my “affair” he always says that his feelings are real, and that I did truly hurt him and I haven’t apologized or made him feel special since that. But lately, like you said, I can’t unsee his abusive tactics and that is making me feel very unattracted to him and just overall not interested in being around him, let alone be intimate. But his latest thing is that I’m creating more layers of “triggers” for him because I haven’t been wanting him sexually. It makes him feel like I’m still satisfied from having sex with other guys and that I belong to them. Keyword there is “belong” like I am some piece of property, but I will go into that later. Anyway, he doesn’t get why I’m not all over him constantly, and wanting sex multiple times a day. He says he would basically be healed if I behaved this way. The biggest issue I have with that is that I don’t want to get pregnant and I can’t get on birth control. I purchased spermicide tubes but they only last an hour after application, so it’s still risky. I also just don’t want to! But I think my brainwashed self wants to try. Just…what if that is really all he needs? Sort of like I don’t want to leave the relationship if I really haven’t given my all. I really haven’t given my all, and it appears that he is trying hard and doing his best, more than he ever has. But then again, if my gut is right…the abuse will continue but will manifest in different ways.

BTW he refuses counseling. He wants to “try this” first. Also I have been seeing a counselor without him even knowing since February. It’s helping tremendously.

Now, the “belong” issue. The examples of him objectifying me and owning me:
1. He says it all the time. “You don’t belong to me, you belong to those other guys you had sex with.” “Your butt isn’t mine, it’s so-and-so’s” “You should want to be mine. Aren’t you glad I’m possessive? It means I care.”
2. After my “affair” he (detail removed by moderator).
3. His need for control of my mind. He can’t stand it thinking I could be thinking of another man. When we were first dating, he frequently asked “(Detail removed by moderator).
4. He subtly coerced me to sleep with other men, even making me record the events for his viewing pleasure. This fetish started out in the very early stages of our relationship and came to fruition right before we got married. Today he will say that I “could have said no.” Could I though?

So are you saying to just go with my gut, and leave now and not wait (detail removed by moderaotor) to be over?

[Hereforhelp]

No-one can tell you what to do, that answer is in your head and gut. Your husband orchestrated you to have sexual relations with other men at the beginning as he was gaining control of you and trying to control your body (as well as using it against you in the future/now. When YOU sought affection from someone (which had nothing to do with your husband) he also uses it against you to get more sex from you, have I got that right? Apologies if I have that wrong. But if that is right can you see how controlling he is? If he is that unhappy with you he can just leave… an abusive partner doesn’t tend to leave, they tend to up their abuse instead.

When I was still with my abusive husband I kissed a friend of mine, I felt so guilty (this was during a really bad abusive few years with my husband) I told my husband (my thinking was he deserves to know what I did and also as to how bad our marriage was as i had never done anything like that before, i felt so responsible and guilty! Nevermind that my husband had abused me and kids for b****y years, I carried all the guilt over one kiss!) he used it against me, he terrorised me, our teenage children, even our dog. He made my life even more of a living hell in every possible abusive way until I finally got him to go.

I am now many months separated, doing the freedom programme (love it! Empowering course!).

Keep posting ❤️ ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Just wanted to add the in capitals words are meant to emphasise not meant in a shouty way xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Soapt

I am sorry to hear of your chains that bind you so tight. You keep saying ‘he lets me’, and its clear how much he controls. You are supposed to be a free human being, not waiting on an other to ‘let you’ do things, but to coerce you into sex with others for his pleasure! I’m sorry you have been treated this way, and sad that another human being is capable of treating a woman this way, using her for his fulfilment like this to the point she has to used terms like ‘he lets me’. Its like a jailor isn’t it, ‘letting’ you have 15 minutes of exercise now and then for which you are eternally grateful.

The right time to leave is when you are ready. If you are prioritising your happiness and wellbeing, this will benefit your children. As the saying goes, put your own oxygen mask first, before you can help anyone else.

Listening to your gut will be the best thing you ever do for yourself, believing in you, and prioritising your needs. Happy mum means happy children.

You do what you can manage, and when you can manage it. Not around him, or anyone else. Have your strength, listen to your gut, and follow your instincts. You feel when things are right, and also when they are off.

Birthdays take many many forms, and can be happy for many different reasons, but make them for real reasons, not based on pretence, but genuine happiness and well being.

warmest wishes x
ts

p.s. its is extemely rare for an abuser to ‘change’

[Anonymous]

They do sense when your pulling away and then they bring the beginning acting bit back but only for as long as they’re sure they’ve got you trapped again, going to church does not always mean your a good person, my parents were church goers and there was every type of abuse going on behind closed doors, why wasn’t it enough for him to not be abusive for all this time? Leaving could show your daughter that a man treating a woman this way is a million miles from ok and then she can learn what a good man behaves like, your daughter can have lots of future good birthdays, I honestly wish my parents had split long before they did (and that’s a strange thing for a child to say)but the dysfunction and toxicity was incredible, I’m sure you can get help from different sources if/when you decide to leave, take care 💗💞💗

[Author]

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