How do you leave when terrified..

[Toofarr]

How do you leave when you are terrified of having your child alone with him and his family? This is the biggest thing holding me back.I don’t feel safe or comfortable for my child to be alone with any of them. I know they will get worse when I’m not here and I won’t be able to protect her.

[Anonymous]

Am not sure if this is possible am wondering if you could ask for supervised visit? If you voice your concerns and reasons? As I said I don’t no your situation.just suggestion

[Toofarr]

Yes I can do this but I am terrified he will manipulate his way through. He always gets what he wants. It’s crazy how many situations he has gotten out of. He has the money to get a good lawyer. I have concerns but not proof of everything so I’m scared he will just deny it .

[browneyedmum]

Hi Toofarr!

First, sending you love and strength.

Second, I recall in a separate thread that you were at high risk for marac. Pursue that.

For myself, I’ve developed partnerships with my children’s school’s, with the local youth club, with my local domestic abuse service, with social services, and with neighbours in order to safeguard my children.

Quietly, schools and the local youth club have agreements with me where I check in to make sure my ex or a member of his family has dropped off / picked up one of the children along with a ‘temperature check’ of how that child was feeling where we communicate often there.

I know I can call police — I’ve actually got a great relationship with one of our PCSOs from prior community engagements who instantly recognises us when any call is made and looks after us (though I’ve had yet to make a DV related call; this PCSO instantly jumped on another case on our behalf with good results).

There was at one point a safeguarding case opened for my children as a result of their dad’s actions, so I am in contact with social services regarding all of that.

I have also enlisted neighbours to help too. Neighbours hear things, wonder about it and generally want to help. Talk to the neighbours as well.

Lean on your community xX.

[Toofarr]

Thank you for replying this is all very helpful and reassuring. I am assuming you are still living with him and haven’t yet left? I am more wondering about what you will do if he took you to court for custody? How would you protect your children then? I know he will manipulate his way to get what he wants. He has the money to get a good lawyer. I am scared I can’t protect my child then.

[browneyedmum]

I’ve been fortunate in my situation overall.

Before, my ex had threatened to take the children off of me. So, I got all of those agencies involved.

My ex also hates courts, solicitors, etc., and tries to avoid them like the plague… so I had some confidence that his threats were hollow. Time proved me right.

Then his situation changed. He finally got a job. But its in a line of work which makes it impossible for him to care for the children on weekdays. It took some time for that to sink in with him and he finally backed off of that threat.

Then when he got the opportunity to live elsewhere, but nearby and where almost all of his bills are paid, he took it and left.

Luck of the draw, I guess.

Either way, lean on your community.

[Hereforhelp]

Morning toofar,

I did the same as browneyedmum, i told the schools, reached out to the police, my GP (as my health was failing me under the stress), Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB had lots of helpful advice and signposting), neighbours helped (they had heard my ex husband), social services have been involved a few times.
I attempted to put boundaries in place, my husband did not react well to healthy boundaries as he is all about money and image which means he feels powerful and wanted to remain in control… he didn’t accept ‘no’ to his wants/needs as he felt entitled to everything where i was concerned.
It is hard to put boundaries in place with an abuser, they do not accept being told what to do or to think of someone else. Harder for you as you have his family siding with him…
That terror you feel about wanting to leave but scared how you will cope with it all… I remember that feeling, it was like taking a massive leap of faith and believing my truth and stopping my children from being raised in an abusive relationship (as children pick up just as we do)… it took a few attempts until I was capable of separating from him and remaining separate.
Reach out as safely and as much as you can…Women’s Aid, your GP.
Him and his family do not have unlimited rights to your child. If your child is with an abuser then the abuser will carry on with their behaviour with that child as these men do not stop being abusive…. I say this without any judgement of course, I remained for decades living with DA and being controlled, it has taken its toll but I am glad to be out of it and my childre …well he abandoned them which is also common … I never expected their father to just cut off but he did… and I am glad he did as he is no longer influencing them of messing with their heads..

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Toofarr]

Thank you for taking time to reply to me. I’d wish for him to just leave us alone but I know him too well. He will use our child to hurt me or lure me back in. Out of spite especially if I speak of all the abuse and concerns I have. It would definitely fuel the fire.

I have little faith in the court system because of all the stories I hear. It terrifies me to think if I leave, I am putting my child at risk of more abuse . How can I get over this fear ? It doesn’t help that I am terrified of him. I’d always be looking over my shoulder.

[StrongLife]

Please call helpline or domestic violence counsellor who can help plan you leaving.

It is frightening. Very frightening to leave. I went to counseling and hotlines. Take your child/children

[Author]

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