How do you move on?

[Anonymous]

It has been a few weeks now. Even though I know what I have done is right why do I miss him? I keep having this urge to talk to him and know he’s OK!
Why. He never worried about if I was OK, he always blamed me for the physical abuse yet I am here worrying about how he is!
Is this normal? I am struggling to hold it all together

[Trying-to-heal]

Morning, that feeling is awful and can be so intense. Making you feel like you’re crazy! I’ve sought help on here for the very same thing. It’s definitely normal to feel this way.

Please look up trauma bonding/Co-dependency. Our brains have been almost programmed to crave their attention, and rely on them to make everything okay (this happens when they start being nice to us).

I have found this feeling comes in waves, so I remind myself that it will pass, and it does.

I’ve been separated for (detail removed by Moderator) now, and was with him for decades.

I’m sending you lots of strength x

[Hereforhelp]

Now I am some months in from separation and zero contact I can feel myself getting stronger, coming out of the FOG (fear obligation, guilt.. it is a cycle they keep us in).

Can you access counselling? I am on the freedom programme and it is incredibly helpful. Please talk to your local Womans Aid or your GP to get some support. The woman on this forum will support you, keep posting ❤ It does get easier, with help and support it gets easier.

[Anonymous]

It is just so difficult.
I find myself thinking what is he thinking and its hard to accept its over even though for me it definitely is and I have done everything I can to protect us.
I have daily wobbles and tears.
But I still question myself every day it comes creeping in. Did I mean it when I finished it? Would I have gone through with it if he hadn’t of strangled me again?
There are so many what ifs in my head it’s torture and still blame myself even though I know it’s not

[Trying-to-heal]

I forgot to mention that it’s worth writing a list of everything he’s ever done to you and how it made you feel. I refer to this when I’m struggling. Seems I spent nearly (detail removed by Moderator) decades in a state of fear, anxiety, hurt, disappointment etc etc. Made me realise the strength I had to endure it! I’ll now use that strength to get over him. x

[Anonymous]

Thank you that’s a good idea. I just feel like I am having to paint my face on each day that I’m OK when I’m actually not. I feel so broken

[Anonymous]

And ashamed. I just feel like a f**k up

[Bumblebee3]

I’m here trying to answer this question myself. How am I going to move on from this? From him? From the all the feelings I have for him.
I think it’s a case of when, and not how.
All of us here are moving on, it’s a constant day by day thing. As each day passes I know I take a step closer to who I used to be.
And you will be too, we’re all going forward, now in control of our own space, mind and life!
One thing I know, 100% I made the best decision to go. I haven’t moved on from him yet, but I will, and you will too. We will get there and that’s my focus now.
I still have moments where I miss him. But then when I actually think about it, what do I miss? A rose tinted memory that’s clouded by his abusive behaviour.
No thanks I’m going to get out, live life make my own memories.

[Anonymous]

That’s exactly what I think to myself when I feel like that. What am I actually missing. I was trying to keep the peace for so long, stop him shouting and hurting me and the kids. I don’t know what I actually miss about him when I rationally think it out I just feel like I have to talk to him it’s horrible

[Trying-to-heal]

Like you, I’m constantly thinking what he’s doing, how he’s coping etc. I’m just waiting for the time it will go away. I too am struggling to accept it’s over; that I’ll no longer know anything about him, won’t be his next of kin, etc. It’s so difficult but at least it will get better. If we stayed, that would be difficult too, although it would not get better and we’d be condemned to their behaviour forever, or until we break free again and have to start from day 1 again.

I also revert to the ‘what if’ type of thinking but I’m trying hard to acknowledge that it won’t help me. In fact, I’m just torturing myself, and to be frank, I’ve had enough of being tortured by him, I do not deserve to do it to myself!

Shame is an awful emotion to carry. My children are grown-up now, and I’m ashamed that I didn’t leave sooner to spare them. Then I realise that I made the decision to stay for years out of fear. I actually felt safer being with him than without him. I believed that he’d inflict pain or death on us if we left, and if I stayed at least I could try to manage his moods. It’s such a messed-up situation.

We have to try and remember that we are victims/survivors of abuse. None of this is our fault. We deserve better than to victim blame ourselves xx

[Anonymous]

So… All those stupid feelings have gone straight out the window. I found out yesterday he is Hong around saying I cheated on him. Are you serious ask those constant accusations, I never did anything abd that’s his excuse. I cheated on him, he still loves me and I have made up lies about being abused.
Are you joking I have all the evidence and have taken it further. Does he actually believe his own lies? He doesn’t realise but his lies have made me stronger and confirmed I am doing the right thing.
I don’t understand when he has done what he ahs done he can deny all knowledge. This wasn’t a one off it was repeatedly

[Anonymous]

I struggled with this for a number of months , breaking down in tears , not being able to function, constantly waiting for him to try to make everything alright , the realisation of him losing me , would make him change . I went back into the relationship after a long time apart hoping that he had changed and I would get that happy ever after . It never came and I stayed another few more months then I went zero contact . I was and still am determined to go forward and not look back any further, the whole relationship has brought me so much misery & heartache . That hold he had over me for so long has diminished, I do still get my low days , but I try to focus on positives and not let him consume my thoughts as he once had . I would take each day very slowly, try and do a nice thing every day be it small or big for yourself, go out for a walk , watch a nice movie , keeping busy helped me . It’s not easy to get over an important relationship in your life and someone who was part of your world for so long , it does get easier as time and distance goes on . Take care x

[Anonymous]

It’s just so hard to deal with his lies. Did he actually believe that he never laid a hand on me as he has said. How can he deny that to himself

[Trying-to-heal]

Sometimes I do wonder if they believe their own lies. My ex is telling people that I’d abused him for decades; me and my children battered him; I tried to kill him; I’ve stopped him from seeing his grandchildren; I’m dangerous – this list goes on!

I have never hurt him in my life! My ex is now an addict and I believe his brain is so ravaged and chaotic that he actually believes this bs. Heart breaking x

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi I’ve come here because I’m struggling with this too. I feel like I never got to say my peace. I never got to tell him how hurt I was and to ask why. I carry the burden of it around with me, and then I see things that remind me of him. I’m not good at confrontation, and I’m not good at unresolved conflict so this situation is crippling me mentally. I started counselling recently with a domestic abuse charity, and it’s been helping so far.

I don’t think I’ll ever get any answers as to why. Maybe they don’t truly know? Maybe the pain of admitting what they’ve done, because they know it’s wrong, is too great that they manipulate even themselves to prolong victim status, to protect themselves from further pain. No one likes to be the bad guy. They want sympathy. In my case, my ex was so focussed on his own shortcomings and poor mental health that I don’t think he even realised the bigger picture. He shifts blame from his own conscious actions to ‘I couldn’t control it’ ‘it wasn’t me, it was the depression’. It’s always how could I leave him when I supposedly loved him? How could I do this to him? Never ‘why did I cause her pain, which destroyed the relationship’. They never want to face what’s truly going on inside, for whatever reason.

We’ll all get there eventually. It’s so hard. I think about it every morning, every evening when I’m going to sleep. I know I need to figure out what steps I need to take to let go, and detach myself. I need to make peace with what’s happened, forgive and accept it as it is, instead of constantly searching for a solution or reconciliation. The good memories are painful. The bad ones are painful. Heartbreak is an awful thing. Don’t know about any of you, but almost feels like I’m grieving the death of someone close to me.

Wishing you all well and hoping we all find our peace! X

[Author]

Posts