How do you start over?

[Alone]

Some of you know my situation; that I was abused by my mum, bullied at work and then my mum suddenly passed away and I now live with a relative that bullies me and treats me like his unpaid maid. So I’m not out of abuse, but it’s different and feels like a lesser form than before, if that makes any kind of sense!

I feel really overwhelmed by everything. I was told, and now see for myself, that I hadn’t even started grieving for the loss because I threw myself into continuing to work my two jobs. And I changed job in the one I was being bullied at, so felt a need to make a good impression during a very difficult and confusing time.

I feel like I’m constantly in performance mode. I’m always smiling at work, and it’s got to the point that I can leave all my worries at the door when I walk in there and enjoy my shift and actually make a difference. But it means I’m ignoring everything. So it started to manifest in other ways; poor concentration, memory loss, nightmares, sleeplessness, muscle weakness to name a few! I was diagnosed with emotional and physical exhaustion. Tried to get time off one job so I could work less hours, but despite my diagnosis, it was rejected. I then got really stressed and ill and ended up with chest pains and numbness from shoulder to fingertips in my left arm due to the extreme anxiety.

After a lot of stressful fuss with the GP, I am now only working one job for a bit. The one I’m not at is going make a fuss about my absence, so I’m concerned about that.

I’m very concerned about managing financially. I had a few panic attacks last night, and several nightmares. Some were about losing my mum, some about other random things, people I’ve known, and some completely unrelated to anything in my life.

I’m considered a high performer and an asset in the job I am staying at. But shifts and hours are not guaranteed. I don’t want to become homeless again, so I am terrified. I don’t want to waste this opportunity to rest, to focus on one job and complete projects. I need to start organising my mum’s belongings, and I really, really need to sort out my housing and the home. But as I haven’t got the constant distraction of work it is all hitting me at once, so I don’t know if I can get everything done.

Before I got this time, my one day off every week, sometimes every two weeks, I could barely get myself out the flat. I started to become anxious at going out. So this past week I have deliberately spread time sensitive tasks out to get me going outside again. It’s not like me! I’m usually up and raring to go out, heading to the outdoor gym. I’m not a stay at home kind of person, but maybe that’s because there was constant abuse at home, I don’t know.

I am going off on several tangents here!

I just don’t know what to do, where to start. I’m afraid of committing to the job I’m doing well in, as it’s the same industry to the one I was bullied at. I don’t let anyone get close, because I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointment, and anymore loss and I don’t want to expose myself to that. But that makes me very lonely and depressed. In the past, whatever problem I faced, I always threw myself into my work and just kept going. I think keeping going is very important, but it hasn’t worked this time because it’s left me having ignored everything and suffering with exhaustion!

When feeling all alone in the world, literally as I no longer have any friends, how do you keep going? How do you start over? I constantly have my mum’s voice in my head telling me that no one will ever like me and it seems that she’s right. I’m someone who everyone loves to work with, they wouldn’t guess the bubbly motivational person goes home and falls apart, but it just stays there. I’m forgotten about outside of work, not invited to anything unless it’s a work function and compulsory to invite all employees. Pretty much the only thing I know how to do right now is work. And the couple of people who did try to get to know me better dropped me because I couldn’t see them on my one day off each week. Only having one day off means I have responsibilities to catch up on, and it’s my one day that I don’t have to put on a performance for everyone else, even though it leaves me depressed. But because I’m so bubbly the rest of the time, I’m not believed when I say I’m not up to something.

And also I don’t know the safe way to put furniture together and do DIY. Has anyone else has to learn this stuff, and have any tips?? I can’t live out of boxes anymore, it’s driving me mad and I keep hurting myself tripping over them!

Sorry for the totally rambly message, it was all clear and concise in my mind, but exhaustion made my mind jump between topics when trying to get it all down!

xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there Alone,

I just want to start by saying you are not alone, we understand! It sounds like you have been under an enormous amount of pressure, with abuse from multiple people, and working two jobs, I am really not surprised you have had all these mental and physical manifestations of illness. It’s your body and mind saying ‘I need some rest!’

It sounds like you need more time off to relax, which I know is easier said than done. I know it might be totally unhelpful and obvious to say, but are there any jobs that pay more that give you more regular hours and time off you could apply to? I want to work in a certain field, but have been applying to a variety of jobs that pay decently and are part time as I always get signed off with depression and stress if I work long hours. I recently met a dance teacher who works part time in a bank and it allows her to do the job she loves without money worries, so it made me wonder about looking into jobs like this myself, maybe you could do the same sort of thing? I really feel you need more than one day off a week.

I recently assembled some flat pack furniture with a handle electric screwdriver and found it very satisfying, so I have faith you can do it too! Read the instructions carefully first, then lay out all the pieces to check none are missing, then do it in stages with a cup of tea and some nice music. Youtube often has really helpful tutorials online where people show you how to assemble things. I highly recommend an electric rather than manual screwdriver too, it makes like much easier.

I feel the exact same about the socialising and friends issue. I too have few friends, and seem to have fallen out with various people especially since leaving my abuser as I have much less tolerance for certain types of behaviour now.

Maybe people at work are sensing you are really pushing yourself? It sounds like you might be a perfectionist and pushing yourself too hard, and its exhausting you. Could you relax a little more at work? I have a sign on my noticeboard that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be done.” Could you ask someone you get on with a work to go for a coffee or lunch? I’ve been trying out a few local groups like walking etc, maybe you could try something like that, as nobody will know your past and most people I’ve met at these activities are kind, friendly sort of people who are also a bit lonely and looking to make new friends.

I hope this helps, I can really relate to a lot of what you said.
Sunshine

[Ayanna]

Your main problem is the housing.
Sorry to be so straight forward.
Go to the CAB and get their support to get on a waiting list. At least get registered, even if your priority is low.

You need to make a list of the things that you have to change for yourself.
Housing needs to be your top priority.

Focus on that for the time.

Try to get therapy.
I think you really need a long therapy to sort yourself out.
You have suffered so much abuse and you need to explore what has happened to you and analyse the impact of that on all aspects of your life in order to reverse it and move on.
That should be your second priority: fighting for therapy.

Work on your GP to refer you to specialists, you know which ones. You need some diagnosis that proof you have health conditions, so that in adverse circumstances you can rely on benefits for a bit.

You can do this.

Your brain is in overdrive.
That’s why a priority list is important, and working on every topic, one by one, however long it takes.

[Author]

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