How do you stop feeling bad?

[Shelly123]

Hi Ladies, not posted for a few days starter counselling the other day to see if i can get in a better mind frame for when baby arrives in a few weeeks. So i broke away but i cant help feel bad? Why is this? I have always been the put others first type. I feel bad that he wont be at the birth experencing it with me (his choice) i feel bad he wont spend nights with the baby. I know its the right thing it just hurts that these things wont happen how do you break away? How do u distance yourself from not caring? I feel im in for a traumatic time with all the emotional abuse and especially when baby arrives i know i will get blamed for all of these things. How do i remain strong with this many hormoned flying around my body?! I think the emptional abuse has stayed and i keep replaying it in my mind :-/

[Lightness]

You feel bad because you are an empath. You have feelings.
You also feel bad because he has programmed you to feel bad – he uses your positive qualities against you.
You also feel bad because he distracts your thoughts away from his bad behaviours and towards your natural tendency for guilt.
And you feel bad because of trauma bond.

The way to overcome this – to see the truth. To see his behaviour for what it is. You need to understand that he wants you to feel bad – to control you and for his own entertainment.

You deserve to feel happy and free from abuse.

You may find it helpful to write down all you did for him and all he did for (and against) you.

[Ayanna]

Go to counseling as often as you can and speak about these concerns. It will help you to feel better.
Once you have the baby you will be busy and distracted.
Ask the counselor whether there is any support available for you after birth, that is aimed specifically at your problem.
You could also speak to the midwife about this. The hospitals have advice about post partal depression and difficult circumstances.

[Shelly123]

Hi ladies sorry for such a late reply i have been going to counselling for 3 weeks now feeling a bit stronger. But very anxious thank you for all your lovely comments and suggestions i will be thinking about all of them and making use of them. I heard from him and he has said he wants to be at the birth but doesnt want to speak to me so i have been strong and told him i would not allow him there and i will not allow the stress of it all so my anxiety has been a bit high for the past couple of days. Its true about the empathy thing as the job i do i have to emapthise with people so i think its in my nature

[Serenity]

What might help here is some creative visualisation.

That is, sit quietly and close your eyes. In your mind’s eye, fast forward and imagine that you stayed with him, and it’s two years down the line.

You are tired. He’s being unkind. He’s demanding your attention, putting you down. He’s showing zero empathy to your situation. He’s making you feel anxious, worthless, depressed. He’s wrecking your wellbeing and affecting your child. And in all of this, he’s showing no real remorse, he’s just worried about his own needs. The experience of bringing a child into this world isn’t what you thought it would be: he’s not allowing you to be at peace and to feel safe. It’s become a nightmare. You even fel guilty about bringing a child into this world, having to live with him. There’s no point in trying to talk and reason with your partner, as he’s not really listening or interested. Even when he appears to be remorseful, it’s really for his own selfish motives. You are stuck in a living hell.

Now, transport yourself back to today and to reality. You have had the foresight to anticipate and see what would be in store for you if you stayed with him. Though leaving is not without its difficulties, you have essentially taken back ownership of your own life. You have got back in the driving seat. You are allowing the possibility of maintaining your mental health and wellbeing, so that you can have the life you deserve and and can bring your child up in a home where there is peace and no abuse. You have saved yourself and your child from terrible daily trauma. You can live normal daily lives.

Hope this helps you stop feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Hi Shelly

I know it sounds stupid, but what usually helps me when I feel like I am going insane is to re-read my posts so that I can know what he did to me was real and that I am not the one to blame. What you are doing is better for you and your baby. Maybe write in a diary how you feel and what you went through, and if you doubt yourself, read through everything again.

I hope you feel better soon and sending all my love

[Starmoon]

Hi, I echo what the others have said. I haven’t followed your situation so I’m sorry if I’m saying thing already covered but I wanted to comment as I felt I was maybe in a similar situation to you last year. I have a baby (removed by moderator) with my now ex. Our baby was planned and we were set to marry (removed by moderator). I hadn’t realized I was in an abusive relationship until I was pregnant and someone told me to come here and read up about emotional abuse. Things got so much worse while I was pregnant, I don’t know if that’s because of being pregnant or what, I ended up having a huge brake down and taking all the blame he came back and it got terrible. I can relate to how you’re feeling, when I wasn’t with him I felt so guilty making any plans for the baby and I was devestated at the thought of going threw labor without him. Now baby is here and the hormones have settled, I wish I’d never taken him back. He made my life hell. You’re a good person for caring about his feelings but reassure yourself that you have no reason to feel guilty. The guilt is all his. Xxxz

[Lightness]

Serenity – I like your visualisation idea – thanks for posting that as I will do that in my own moments of guilt and doubt (which have decreased a lot over time and counselling)

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

I was just saying to a friend (removed by moderator) that i couldnt imagine my life without the kids and was wondering how does he cope the pain must be cruficing, and all this guilt feeling came in, and my mate gave me a quick wake up call, she goes your kind and caring and have a concious, he doesnt his opposite, think about what he did that his in the scenario that u and the kids are not with him, dont feel bad for his mistakes, build a fresh future for u and your child

[Author]

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