- This topic has 18 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
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I’ve always struggled with this, the knowing if it’s abuse or just married life.
Yes, emotionally abusive, his violent and manipulative but when it comes to being married and sex there’s blurry lines. I used to think that because we were married then it was “my duty” to please him. However whilst I’m reflecting on EVERYTHING I’m questioning what’s what. You don’t always feel like being intimate at the same time so if he then continues even tho your not keen, then is that just bad timing..? If he likes it rough and your protesting what’s that.. incompatibility?
I just need clarity.
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When he is not respecting your NO’s then it’s abuse.
Any decent man would respect your choice, listen to your wishes.
An abusive man sees your NO as not being submissive, not being under his control. He will not respect your NO in any area, it must be his way always. That’s your cue to know it’s abuse.
Abuse is always always about power and control over his partner. -
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Try to think how you would treat someone. You would never do something to someone against their wishes or that made them feel uncomfortable deliberately. Think back to the early part of the relationship. With me everything was consensual and if I said no then he would accept that. There’s absolutely no difference when you’re married. Every sexual act should be totally consensual. Makes no difference if it’s a first date or you’ve been married for forty years.
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You HAVE been attacked.
This is sexual abuse hun, if you didn’t consent it is rape. Rape is a crime whether you are married or not. If your injuries are caused because you were trying to stop him having sex with you then he clearly knew you were not consenting. If you call the police they will arrest him for rape and he may get remanded in custody, your injuries are further proof that this was not an ‘issue around consent’.
Whether you choose to report him or not, please photograph your injuries and upload them to some cloud storage, you can then delete them from your camera role so if he does go through your phone they are not stored on there. Delete them from your phone, then go in your phone’s ‘bin’ and delete them from the bin too, otherwise, they stay in the ‘bin’ for up to 60 days before they automatically go.
Please don’t protect him or make excuses for him any more. You are important. You matter. You do not deserve to live like this. He needs to held accountable for his actions and behaviour.
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Yes, please take some time to process all this information. Abusers use the FOG of abuse the fear Obligation and Guilt to control us. He’s responsible for his own actions and he’s not your responsibility. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to behave this way. Loving him won’t stop his abuse but I know all this information is shocking. So take some time out and keep a secret journal of his behaviour. Slowly with knowledge you will begin to see just how wrong his behaviour is. We have to just take baby steps at this stage but abuse thrives on silence so please confide in someone you trust, your GP is a good start x
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I agree this is a nightmare situation, it is a nightmare for YOU. You are worrying about him functioning without you, but you are barely functioning WITH him. The only people we need to put before ourselves are our children. He is an adult who is making awful decisions to abuse you, rape you, assault you.
Lifelines are being dangled at you with help, advice and support. No one can come and rescue you from your situation, it is up to you to take those lifelines and save yourself. You are making decisions, you are making decisions to protect him rather than yourself. Until you change your mindset to decide to protect YOU then nothing is ever going to change; THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE. I’m sure that is not what you want.
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I know, I know you’re right! I want to grab onto those lifelines but paralysis is stopping my for some reason.
I will try and call someone tomorrow.
I already have loads of photographic evidence, much more damning than this.
I just need to try and find a time/space to make contact.
Sorry to be a pain everyone – I’m annoying myself with the constant moaning x
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Never apologise for posting on here!
We all do it, especially at the beginning, when we are trying to make sense of things.
We come on here. We read, we read, we question, we read some more, we think we are starting to make sense of things, we might go away for a bit. And then everything gets confusing again and we come back and we read some more and we question some more.
Heavens. If the answers were straightforward we’d all just leave our abusers and be done with it.
But they’re not. We all need a lot of support and on here everyone is at different stages of their journey.
Keep asking, keep talking, keep moving forwards. X -
It’s indeed a lot to take in so do take your time to process it all. You could never be a pain, you’re a sweetheart trying to make sense of your marriage. Keep on posting, writing it down helps making sense of situations.
Paralysis is a normal response when you’re in danger. Freeze/flight/fight response
in response to trauma.
Step by step. Baby step. At your own pace. Lots of love 💕
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