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    • #104245
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      I’ve always struggled with this, the knowing if it’s abuse or just married life.

      Yes, emotionally abusive, his violent and manipulative but when it comes to being married and sex there’s blurry lines. I used to think that because we were married then it was “my duty” to please him. However whilst I’m reflecting on EVERYTHING I’m questioning what’s what. You don’t always feel like being intimate at the same time so if he then continues even tho your not keen, then is that just bad timing..? If he likes it rough and your protesting what’s that.. incompatibility?

      I just need clarity.

    • #104249
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      When he is not respecting your NO’s then it’s abuse.
      Any decent man would respect your choice, listen to your wishes.
      An abusive man sees your NO as not being submissive, not being under his control. He will not respect your NO in any area, it must be his way always. That’s your cue to know it’s abuse.
      Abuse is always always about power and control over his partner.

    • #104252
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      But what if you don’t say anything..?

    • #104253
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Do you mean not saying anything out of fear of him? = it’s abuse.

    • #104254
      KIP.
      Participant

      Try to think how you would treat someone. You would never do something to someone against their wishes or that made them feel uncomfortable deliberately. Think back to the early part of the relationship. With me everything was consensual and if I said no then he would accept that. There’s absolutely no difference when you’re married. Every sexual act should be totally consensual. Makes no difference if it’s a first date or you’ve been married for forty years.

    • #104255
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      Just out of shock of what’s happening.. I suppose fear as well. Difficult to explain – his forceful and scary but I don’t stop him

    • #104256
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      I have scratch marks all over me, my breast, bruises on inner thighs. I look like I’ve been attacked!

    • #104257
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ring the rape crisis helpline for advice. Take photos of your injuries. You cannot consent for someone to injure you in this way. Try to visit your GP or have a video consultation and report this behaviour. It’s dangerous and illegal. Love doesn’t hurt. This is abuse.

    • #104258
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      Rape crisis? I’m not sure if this counts as rape.. hence my previous post.

    • #104259
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      You HAVE been attacked.

      This is sexual abuse hun, if you didn’t consent it is rape. Rape is a crime whether you are married or not. If your injuries are caused because you were trying to stop him having sex with you then he clearly knew you were not consenting. If you call the police they will arrest him for rape and he may get remanded in custody, your injuries are further proof that this was not an ‘issue around consent’.

      Whether you choose to report him or not, please photograph your injuries and upload them to some cloud storage, you can then delete them from your camera role so if he does go through your phone they are not stored on there. Delete them from your phone, then go in your phone’s ‘bin’ and delete them from the bin too, otherwise, they stay in the ‘bin’ for up to 60 days before they automatically go.

      Please don’t protect him or make excuses for him any more. You are important. You matter. You do not deserve to live like this. He needs to held accountable for his actions and behaviour.

    • #104260
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ring them and talk it through with them. They can explain it to you and help you understand these boundaries, they’re really nice women with lots of compassion and patience.

    • #104261
      KIP.
      Participant

      There’s a good Thames Valley Police video on YouTube called A Cup of Tea. Take a look x

    • #104262
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      KIP I’ll have a think about it.

      IWTH – I don’t know why I’m continuously trying to protect him, I honestly know he wouldn’t cope in prison and certainly wouldn’t function without me. It’s a nightmare situation.

    • #104263
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes, please take some time to process all this information. Abusers use the FOG of abuse the fear Obligation and Guilt to control us. He’s responsible for his own actions and he’s not your responsibility. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to behave this way. Loving him won’t stop his abuse but I know all this information is shocking. So take some time out and keep a secret journal of his behaviour. Slowly with knowledge you will begin to see just how wrong his behaviour is. We have to just take baby steps at this stage but abuse thrives on silence so please confide in someone you trust, your GP is a good start x

    • #104264
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      I agree this is a nightmare situation, it is a nightmare for YOU. You are worrying about him functioning without you, but you are barely functioning WITH him. The only people we need to put before ourselves are our children. He is an adult who is making awful decisions to abuse you, rape you, assault you.

      Lifelines are being dangled at you with help, advice and support. No one can come and rescue you from your situation, it is up to you to take those lifelines and save yourself. You are making decisions, you are making decisions to protect him rather than yourself. Until you change your mindset to decide to protect YOU then nothing is ever going to change; THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE. I’m sure that is not what you want.

    • #104265
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      I know, I know you’re right! I want to grab onto those lifelines but paralysis is stopping my for some reason.

      I will try and call someone tomorrow.

      I already have loads of photographic evidence, much more damning than this.

      I just need to try and find a time/space to make contact.

      Sorry to be a pain everyone – I’m annoying myself with the constant moaning x

    • #104268
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please you’re not a pain. This is your lifeline. It was mine too. It’s frightening so take it slowly. I rang the national domestic abuse helpline several times before I could speak. They’re used to traumatised and scared victims so there’s no pressure to do anything.

    • #104269
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Never apologise for posting on here!
      We all do it, especially at the beginning, when we are trying to make sense of things.
      We come on here. We read, we read, we question, we read some more, we think we are starting to make sense of things, we might go away for a bit. And then everything gets confusing again and we come back and we read some more and we question some more.
      Heavens. If the answers were straightforward we’d all just leave our abusers and be done with it.
      But they’re not. We all need a lot of support and on here everyone is at different stages of their journey.
      Keep asking, keep talking, keep moving forwards. X

    • #104270
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      It’s indeed a lot to take in so do take your time to process it all. You could never be a pain, you’re a sweetheart trying to make sense of your marriage. Keep on posting, writing it down helps making sense of situations.
      Paralysis is a normal response when you’re in danger. Freeze/flight/fight response
      in response to trauma.
      Step by step. Baby step. At your own pace. Lots of love 💕

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