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I have read it a couple of times on here and other places, about self care, and looking after yourself. making yourself number one and treating yourself.
just wondering how people do this?
I’m still in a relationship (sleeping separately), with multiple kids, and working full time.
I can’t take baths at the moment due to a health reason, and I probably couldn’t enjoy one without a comment or something from hubby (‘wrong time’ or kids wanting something)
I think I have decided to grow my hair out a bit at the moment, and don’t really have the money to splash. -
I really struggle with self care, most of the things I do are for others. Always has been like this before “him” but even more so after. I’m trying little things like painting my nails, I’m rubbish at it, but by the time I had finished I’d done both hands and both feet. I’d spent half an hour on myself, without a thought intruding, and even though they were smudged and marked it was the first thing I’d done just for me in a very long time. Now when getting dressed to go out I try lots of things on, yes still got his voice in my head, and go with My Choice not what he used to say, doing a small thing just for you, like a change of hairstyle like a different up do, anything that’s just for you. It’s hard to break the cycle of being like a slave, but every little thing you can do for yourself is a Ray of sunshine. Sending hugs xx
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Although I’m free I’m not ready for another relationship so I’m dating myself lol. I buy myself little treats that a nice considerate partner might buy me. (Malteeser buttons is my favourite treat at the moment). I pay myself compliments and say nice encouraging things to myself. It’s fun, lifts my spirits. I love colouring in. There are adult colouring in books for stress release. Perhaps get the kids some cheap books too and have a colouring in night. The library rents out DVDs now so a movie night is nice too. However I suspect your abuser will sabotage the nice things you do. Undoing your good work x
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Baking helped me recently. If you have little ones, maybe you can involve them, too and make something that you really enjoy – and when you have a second alone, make yourself a nice cup of tea/coffee and have a piece of that something sweet. Colouring helps, reading, too but I can imagine it can be hard to find time. When it was really busy for me, and I could not do any of these, I would try and find few minutes spare on my way from work, and sit somewhere quiet. Park bench or meadow, and sit there in silence taking few deep breaths or listening to my favourite song.
Sending hugs your way,Banks xx
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thank you all,
I love reading, got a few books that I need to read, but finding the ‘right time’ is hard. sometimes husband doesn’t like me reading as it means I cant put my full attention onto him.
I also love baking, but finding the passion to do it can be very hard. I have loads of baking stuff, which husband loves to remind me of! I think I will put that on my list of this to do over the next couple of days.
doesn’t help that my depression is rearing its ugly head again. sometimes its hard to find the time to shower never mind anything else. -
Making time to take a shower is self care! As is choosing an outfit that makes you feel good when you get dressed. Or taking 5 minutes to drink a cup of tea or eat a piece of fruit. Don’t let self care become a stick to beat yourself with. Self care can also be giving yourself permission to skip the shower or spend all day in PJ’s. So long as you are creating an environment for yourself where you feel looked after. It’s really hard when you are still with your abuser, as they spend so much energy trying to convince you that you aren’t worthy of care.
Pretty much the only consistent piece of self care I managed in the run up to leaving was to remind myself every time he undercut me that I was entitled to do what was right for me, rather than what he wanted. “It is ok to do what is best for me” was my first mantra, which grew to “I need to do what is best for me” which was the line that got me out.
Once I was away it became much easier to do self care. I lived near a supermarket that frequently reduced flowers to 20p, so I filled my room with flowers. I cooked meals that I enjoyed. I tidied because I wanted things tidy (or sometimes just left the mess because there was no one to tell me I had to do it. I coloured in. I went for walks. I dyed my hair. I tried new makeup styles. I took long baths. But I couldn’t have done these when I was with him. Accept that self care will be hard while you are still with him and just do what you can.
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Love this topic..Self-Care and treating ourselves.
Even having a shower can be a good self-care. I try to be mindful of the hotwater and feel as if this is like a mini-spa. I take the time to put body lotion on, a nice smelling one. Also tend to the hard skin on my feet if I’ve time. I used to feel guilty taking time out for myself, now less so as my recovery depends on it.
My treat to myself most days is a walk outside. I love to be surrounded by the sky, the trees, the animals, the flowers etc. Before when I was living with the abuser I could barely notice this beauty but I can now and its so up-lifting.
I also have the time now to do daily yoga practice on youtube-just 20 minutes and that is me being good to myself and giving time to myself.
I have a lot of amends to make to myself in the Self-Care department. Decades of amends.
Small steps of self-care is all we can do when still living with an abuser. But all the small actions add up. I find even taking some time to drink 2 litres of water a day and rub hand-cream on my hands kick starts me mentally into self-care. Also reading about the suggestions and getting ideas on here.
Incorporating little bits of self-care into your day without him knowing like taking time to notice the clouds, or the stars at night or sneak an afternoon nap or lie-down is rebelling against abuser under the radar and loosening his control without him knowing and making you stronger.
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Right now I do a lot to treat myself. I am out of that relationship so it is so much easier to do that: long walks, having my nails done, facial treatment, cup of coffee in town or a glass of wine, going to the gym or reading books.
But I remember when I was still with him and was living with him. And at a time there was no question of having me-time, and my shower time was limited – so no relaxing showers in the evening and no hot baths (tried it once, caused a huge argument), and I was constantly tired so would struggle to read or do a lot of extra. What I did every night before going to bed was use the scrub on my feet and then put a lotion on them. And they were actually really soft and pleasant to touch. And then laying in bed with my feet nice and soft, I would feel kind of happy at least about one thing 🙂
Or during my 30 min lunch break I would go to the park nearby and sit on a bench.
And Tea. Tea with milk was the symbol of comfort to me. (I am not british so before coming to uk I would not normally pour milk in my tea). If I am stressed or upset, I would have a cup of tea. Even at work it would be a moment of self-care. -
Love this post! I think ‘self care’ has become another thing on the ‘to do’ list to feel bad about not doing! We do actually self care all the time – as Tiffany put it ‘making time to shower is self care’. The trick is becoming aware of it – being in the moment and really savouring the cup of tea, feeling the sun/wind/rain when we are outside. I am trying less phone time as my self care. Actually looking around me as I walk along, look out the window of public transport rather than having my head stuck in my phone, numbing out. I’ve tried more reading – I used to be able to read a short book in a day sometimes! I find now though that my attention just doesn’t stick. I read a chapter then wander off onto another book. But I am being gentle on myself about this. I have also recently discovered audio books – still getting used to it but it seems like a good way to get back into books for me.
Sometimes self care is doing the washing up with the radio on – he only liked certain music that I played. Now I like all different sorts and dance in the kitchen (much to the children’s disgust! Hahaha!).
Take care,
Iwillbeok x -
I learn now how to place myself as a priority, placing my feeling on top, how I feel is important. And if someone does bad things to me is not acceptable. I repeat every day as a mantra that if someone try to abuse me, or mistreat me, I need to take care of it straight away on the spot, so it will never to escalate to even worse things.
That I have a right to voice it, that I’m a person and my feelings are important and my well being is important too. That no men has the right to abuse me sexually, emotionally, financially or physically.
This is my big self care now.
I become very choosy whom I take on my journey, as I’m very sensitive person and I should not let others to use my kindness and good heart, my weak parts to their own advantage.
That I have the right to leave any relationship that no longer serves me for the good and not feel responsible for other people more than for myself.
Learning how to be gentle towards me and not self blaming and self beating for what happened to me.
Trying to work on long term goals now – how to come out from everything and build a stable life.Self care most important is good healthy food, good rest, not to rush into anything and not to be pushed by other people into something.
Good health starts with food, which gives you enough vitamins and minerals. Abuse makes you sick not only mentally, but physically. I’m still young, but I had like all my bones hurting and all my body is in pain, pain in my lower abdominal.For me is nice now to be able to make choices even for simple things – like music, food, what to wear, to see friends, to have friends, to visit places which I would like, read the books which I want, to study what I want, or do anything which I think is good for me.
With my first abuser – I could not even have that. All must be – like I say. If I will not comply with his ways, I would be facing very bad things, like shouting for 6 hours non stop at me, in my face very close.
Any attempts enjoying life or having something on my own, was sabotaged and ridiculed.Now and then I buy nice things for me which I always wanted to have, or go to the hairdresser.
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I managed to have a shower today. (husband doing overtime) and told myself that this was for me, and although I had to rush a little (youngest napping, older lot playing) I felt good after. Felt clean.
Small steps.
Thank you for all your input, I shall read over them again to remind myself what I can do. I was talking to my WA worker and she said I shouldn’t feel guilty of putting myself first. And just because I put myself first doesn’t mean I push my kids back, but in fact it will help me be better mum to them.
I am so use to putting the needs of my husband first and mine last that this will be a long road. -
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@lookingforanswers – the best what you can give you your kids, is a happy mother, a woman who is content, loves herself and she put herself as a priority. You will teach them of self love and this is a such big gift to kids. They will learn a healthy way of dealing with life from you.
Wish you all the power and courage to take little steps, which will empower you and lead you to a better life. -
That is fab @lookingforanswers! Things I find helpful – comforting myself when I am sad, worried, or feeling bad, sounds a bit weird – but I stroke my harm, or do a ‘butterfly fly hug, which is where you hold each opposite arm wth the opposite hand with your arms crossed across your chest, in the style of a hug. I try to imagine what a kind mum would be like and do that for myself.
I also do a daily skincare routine. I use vitamin c serum (home made with l-ascorbic acid) and use an exfoliant (aha or bha) and a moisturizer, it feels great to spend a few mins taking care of myself every day through a quick skincare routine. The products also make my skin look fab so it’s a good confidence boost.
Take care 🙂 and keep making time for yourself, you deserve it x
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I’ve been comfort eating for a long time now. I haven’t wanted to look attractive because all that got me was him. But I feel like i’ve been sabotaging myself with food. I could be healthier and look so much better if I would just take the time and effort, but whenever I’ve tried i’ve heard his voice in my head telling me what was wrong with me and I’d give up. Its very hard to cross over from where I was – in that rut – to somewhere I want to be. I know how to do it, I’m just holding myself back. Afraid to come out of the hole i’ve been in. So maybe I want to remain invisible.
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