This topic contains 32 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Lavenderrose 4 days, 9 hours ago.

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  • #99440
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    Hello everyone, it’s been a while. Things are improved for me but fighting the manipulation and control at times.
    Just another query re contact. What happens if you are the live with parent and the child has their time with dad but then a family member on that side develops symptoms meaning a need to self isolate. If I’m their care does father keep child or have to still return? I couldn’t bare to be 2 weeks potentially apart from my toddler!! And vice versa can I refuse contact if I am in a position of isolation??

  • #99445
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    We’re self isolating and have decided to have no contact with dad. I think we all need to choose how we each deal with it. If I were in your situation I’d get my child back and self isolate together x

  • #99447
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    I would be breaking the order though wouldn’t I? So worrying x

  • #99449
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    I would say you are the lived with parent and thus have the main carer responsibilties – meaning your toddler needs to be with you, therefore you need to decide what is best for the both of you. Given your child may be infected I would air on the side of caution and self isolate together – keep to the social distancing guidelines. If he wants to take this to court then so be it.

    Are you able to float the idea with him at all? I know it’s unlikely but it may be that you’re both on the same page with this? Does he really want the child for weeks on end? I know my ex wouldn’t.

    So far the government advice is to only self isolate once symptoms appear unless you or someone you live with is in the vulnerable / at risk group (then self isolation is also reccommended / the individual’s choice regarding this to be respected) – so he has no grounds to keep your child at present does he – unless you both agreed to this; however, once the child is back in your care, and if you can not agree a way to move forwards with this then it would be your call x

  • #99450
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    He may have PR but you have more rights as the primary carer; your child needs to be at home during the crisis x

  • #99451
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    The guidelines do say no visitors, family or friends – so once the child is back with you this can be actioned and is thus compliant. There will be father’s everywhere not seeing their children for a while. Oddly, I have found some peace with this, means she will be safe from emotional harm from him x

  • #99521
     Hopingforpeace 
    Participant

    I agree fizzylem. We need to do all we can to protect ourselves and others. It is good that the children will be away from the emotional harm for a while.

  • #99693
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    I’ve had legal advice and I will offer additional contact. It’s such uncertain times! What happens about if we go to lockdown?? Does the child stay with the live with parent ? This scares me that I will be overruled!!

  • #99701
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    When we get past this LR, might be an idea to get some help with this fear you have of him; you cant live like this. I understand why you are fearful, past court experiences included, but it would be good if you could turn down the fear, turn the fear into caution; it sends you into a spin doesn’t it, leaves you unsure what is the best or right thing to do, so much so that you perhaps go much further than is needed, sometimes putting him and what he wants before yours and your childs needs, to try not to upset him or give him anything he ‘might’ be able t use in court; a loss of rationality occurs – doesn’t need to be like this flower.

    I think the key word is ‘reasonable’ here – not just for you – for him too. If your child is a toddler, highly likely she won’t really miss him for a few weeks, whereas if you dropped out of her life, she’d get on with it yes, but she would ‘want mummy’ – the both of you need to be thinking how can we avoid causing distress for our child really don’t you – which means she belongs at home with mum when she’s ill or that you stick to the routined contact time with dad when this is possible – offer extra time afterwards maybe; use skype ect.

    Sounds to me that it’s likely dad’s going to be ill soon now anyway and will need to self isolate himself. Personally, if I were him I wouldnt want her to come; and as a mother, I would not be letting my child visit if someone in his family had the virus – all perfectly understandable; I would be mindful she may have it now and self isolate for 14 days to protect others and stop the virus, and I’d start the 14 day count again if symtoms occur; providing you don’t have an underlying health condition that is – in this instance I’d be asking him to keep her x

  • #99709
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    I am definitely better at dealing with him than I was but I do still have that fear factor in having discuss or inform him of something regarding our toddler that I know he won’t like or react well to. It’s exhausting!
    We have a court order in place but yet he still thinks he can bend the rules to suit himself. Not once does he think of our child it’s always about his feelings.
    He will be pleasant to me if he thinks he can manipulate me to get want he wants. I am trying to be strong but it’s so hard and I need constant reassurance all the time.
    Are we in official lockdown mode now? Are there any guidelines for families in our situation? I’m so confused!

  • #99710
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Yes full lock down now; essential trips only for supplies, caring for the vulnerable, to and from work only – key staff only working now, rest to work from home or stay at home on sick pay (Government to pay 80% of your wage to those employed, up to 2500); one trip outside a day only for exercise with social distancing.

    The message is to stay home and stay safe, starve the virus. This means child contact is now not possible for most seperated families. Keep your child and you at home now, there will be a review in 3 weeks.

    Have you seen the Our Family Wizard app? Have a look, could help you take back some control here and keep his comms to the minimum; stop him from bending the rules as you say, and manipulating you x

  • #99719
     Justholdingon 
    Participant

    I wish I could feel and sound as strong as you fizzy. I knew I would get a message after Boris’s announcement. He’s decided we are keeping up child swap. I need definitive words to explain to ex that it’s not happening, but I’m so scared.

  • #99720
     Justholdingon 
    Participant

    Doesn’t help that cafcass has closed. The information on their website is out of date now.

    • #99739
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Are you the primary carer JHO? The lived with parent? If so you decide what is best here. I really do not think the instruction could be anymore clearer; we all need to stay home, essential trips for medical matters and food, caring for the vulberable; one outside activity for exercise. He’s being selfish here. If we all bunker down now then in 3 weeks time we ‘may’ beable to inroduce child contact again.

      Have a good think abot what is right for you and your child in this situation – and action this x

  • #99721
     maddog 
    Participant

    Interesting topic. My ex, as an OAP has decided to go into isolation and not see the children. Since he won’t give me any money I’ve told him to make sure the children’s bank accounts are furnished. I’m sure he won’t. He still has PR and has afforded as many foreign holidays this year as there are months until now.

    For the first time in many years, I feel a weight lifted. I feel safe with him holed up and out of contact. It’s the children I worry about and my younger child is not in such a good place mentally. I’ve said to them to contact their dad if they want to. They said no, they didn’t want to.

    I really don’t want to alienate the children from their father. I just want him to take interest in them. He’s replaying his own miserable life again and again and again.

    • #99740
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Yes same MD, feel at peace for the first time in years knowing my child is safe from emotional harm now; if anything he should be paying more now! But let him c***k on and do what he’s got to do; remember, sometimes we dont need to contact people, we just need to know we can if need to and that is often enough – perhaps the children are ok because they know they can call if they need. Yes, would be good of him to call at least a few times in a week though wouldn’t it – to show he cares and is thinking of them, however, if he doesn’t the kids will make up their own mind about him – you can support them either way, with him in or out of their lives hey x

  • #99723
     ssid 
    Participant

    If your child is at risk of acquiring CV then no they should not go.

    However, govt has confirmed children should still be moving between parents homes as previously.

    Absolute madness

  • #99725
     Ilikechicken 
    Participant

    Michael gov has been on the tv and said that seperated parents can pass the children back and fourth once out of isolation. I just cant understand how were supposed to proceed in situations of abuse where you cant trust you ex to social distance themselves. This new policy means you cant safeguard your kids or yourself from contacting this virus.

  • #99731
     ssid 
    Participant

    I agree with you Ilikechicken and I think its reasonable to state this as a reason for witholding contact that they will be exposed to additonal risk with their abusive parent.

    The house of commons have just been discussing support for women in domestic abuse situations. He said not specifically ‘women’, and I dont know what exactly that statement willean specifically,but it’s good that the conversation is publicly happening.

    If you know your perpetrator to be takibg risks and not complying, keep evidence amd keep your children safe, as always.

    • #99745
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      This information assumes that both parents are responsbile citizens and parents – which if they are would be ok, although I’d say after 14 days when both households are clear would be better advice; however, if you can not guarantee he is going to self isolate then of course you keep them home, the only person you can depend upon in this is you; what he does is outside of your area of control. Most parents will want to work out what is best for their children, but we have to be mindful he will use whatever he can in this to his advantage, for control and in some cases to try and incite fear – so don’t go there, take control and do whatever it is that is needed for ‘you’ and your children x

  • #99742
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Let’s apply the rationale to this situation; if we all bunker down we can starve the virus, those with it will pass it or be cared for in hospital, and those without it will stay safe.

    Children need to be at home with their lived with parent; child contact is not essential during the crisis.
    .
    My concern is for those now trapped with their abusers; those of us out now can keep ourselves and our children safe x

  • #99749
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Just been thinking about this; think of ‘your shield’, if he can be part of this then fine the shield can be extended; if he craetes a hole for you in your shield, then seal the gap.

    If you feel at risk, what is this risk? Take steps/actions to stop this being a risk any longer x

  • #99755
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    This is the thing, I know that he does not and will not take this seriously. He will continue to visit his family members and vice versa (but not tell me) therefore putting our child and my family at risk. I feel like I have no power. Yet again he is trying to overrule me on specifics re contact, I have no voice. Oh and now silent treatment!
    Why are we expected to deal with this constant threat from these men.
    Since lack of contact our little one is so much calmer and in a good routine again. I don’t want it to all go wrong again.
    He uses our child as a weapon to hurt me constantly x

  • #99788
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Simply put keep the child/children with you no matter the law. Deal with and take control of what you can. Turn it around, ask them if they are willing to put their child’s health at risk or other family members. We have technology, they can facetime but make it at a certain time, not every hour or whenever they choose. These are unprecedented times, abusers will try and use the uncertainty to their advantage only.
    Stay safe ladies, keep as calm as you can. Try making bread😊😊 great stress reliever
    Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

  • #99789
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    I’m in isolation and off work. I’m too frightened of what will happen if the youngest doesn’t go this weekend. I understand lavenderrose, I really don’t know what to do. I can’t say I’ll keep them because I really don’t know what will happen. I’m scared stiff that he’ll go for the weekend then that will be it for x amount of time. I wish I could sit easy knowing they didn’t have to go but…..reality is I’m far too much of a coward to tell him. Things are going ok the ex is actually being quite nice. I dread being the one to rock the boat, or cause s**t.

    • #99850
       Lavenderrose 
      Participant

      @freedomfries01 are you the resident parent? If so then you can isolate with your child and household until 14 days is up.
      I’ve offered additional contact but it’s not good enough 😔 FaceTime and updates.
      He is trying to twist and manipulate every step of the way. A court order means nothing!
      How can I stay strong and fight against this?? He’s nice when he gets what he wants otherwise he’s vile!

  • #99792
     Justholdingon 
    Participant

    We’re both the primary carer. Me a wee bit more than him, but court-ordered 50/50. He allowed isolation period of 14 days when lo took a turn, but beyond that, I have no power.

  • #99854
     freedomfries01 
    Participant

    We’re both resident parents but I have (detail removed by moderator) nights more than him over the fortnight. Over government is pathetic. I feel like the government is going to make a statement while he’s round there then it’s just tough s**t 😢

  • #99872
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    Yes I have all those fears too. I was advised legally that given our position it they attempt to keep the child that we can involve the police and get them returned to us.
    Although this is of some comfort the potential threat is scary!

  • #99946
     Ilikechicken 
    Participant

    So if you have isolated for 14 days the children have not been exposed, therefore if dad kept the children for 14 days I would email and state that as they self isolated eith you they could not be showing symptoms unless he has not safeguarded them and had them. He would then have to admit he had put the children in harm’s way to keep them. I’m having the same issue as I know dad isnt taking this serious and has been around his family to. It’s scary times and the government have not considered things properly.

  • #99957
     Findmyself 
    Participant

    Hi not sure if it’s been mentioned but my solicitor sent me this link when I asked about child contact and isolation: https://www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/
    I don’t have a contact order in place but she said to follow this advice if I wanted to make changes to the current arrangement I had in place.
    My ex lives close by so I have proposed that the children can see him for the hour a day they are exercising outdoors. I am currently on the extreme risk list and my daughter is on the risk list due to medical conditions. I haven’t given him a choice and have said it’s this or nothing and he is pushing for more but I’ve suggested that he see his solicitor if he doesn’t agree.

  • #99970
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi all,

    I just wanted to share with you that Rights of Women have now published guidance around child contact law in light of the Coronavirus which may help some of you. You can read it here.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa

  • #100021
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    I have just had a brief read thank you. So is this saying that he can choose to say he is isolating with our child once he has his agreed contact therefore she wouldn’t be returned to me?? Is there nothing I can do? I am so worried that he’ll do this out of spite to hurt me 😭

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