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    • #11397
      Memand
      Participant

      Hi all,
      I’m new and have met some of you on another related post. I’ve just been looking at my local WA website and it’s all about violence and safety. I’m not experiencing any violence, I just need to clarify whether what I’m experiencing is actually abuse.
      I’ve finished a course of therapy, but it only scratched the surface and I desperately need someone to talk to. I’ve never been able to talk on the phone – I’ve only ever emailed the Samaritans.
      Any pearls of wisdom I would really appreciate. I’m overwhelmed.
      Thank you all.

    • #11407
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      Domestic abuse isn’t just about violence. The emotional stuff can be just as bad worse and twice as confusing. Your local women’s aid will more than likely have a drop in where you can speak to someone about your situation. You can post on here and the ladies will be able to try and help you make sense of your situation. Try and call the helpline too the ladies on there are ace. You could even call your local women’s aid and speak to someone if dropping in seems like too big a step or whatever at the moment. They should be able to guide you. Good luck and stay safe xx

    • #11411
      godschild
      Participant

      I agree with Hopesrpings abuse is not necessarily physical violence , the emotional stuff is so so damaging and can be subtle. My local womens aid have a drop in centre, if you feel able to go to one look at Womens aid in your own area. They will give you a support worker to meet up with on a regular basis as far as I know. I cant get out alone so I have support by phone but it is usually face to face they wont go to your home at all but like to meet in a safe place such as a library or childrens centre etc I have had a lot of diifculty for years speaking on to people on the phone due to anxiety and being worn down and loss of confidence due to abuse but ive recently taken steps to pick up the phone , if you can make the initial call you may well be then be able to meet with someone or call in if you have a local drop in centre. Im not positive but I think you may be able to E Mail refuge another womens help, check their website just google refuge

    • #11413
      Memand
      Participant

      Thank you hopesprings and godschild.
      With him it is subtle, but it has turned me into a shell of a person and I can’t take it any more. Kids involved though, or I would be out of here…

    • #11422
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      You can leave with your kids. Women’s aid will be able to help you. Look up your local one and see what support they have, you can live a life free of abuse. You And your children deserve happiness x

    • #11425
      Memand
      Participant

      Hopesprings, if we were being battered I would do just that. The thing is it’s very subtle and I can’t figure if I am just blowing it out of proportion.
      The physical aggression is only towards inanimate objects. Money is never withheld, I’m not isolated from friends and family or anything like that.
      What niggles at me is the fact that if I tried to talk to anyone close to me about the situation they would be shocked. But I think maybe it’s just an anger issue.

    • #11427
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      He’s not abusive because he’s angry. He’s angry because he’s abusive. Just because it’s subtle doesn’t mean it is not happening. As for it not being physical that doesn’t matter. Mental and emotional abuse are just as damaging if not more. You need to protect yourself and your kids. I know it can be confusing and you don’t know whether you are coming or going? That’s the nature of it. I don’t even know much about your situation and can tell the fact you’re on here questioning it tells me there is abuse there. And you’ve took a very brave first step in getting out so well done 🙂

    • #11428
      Memand
      Participant

      I’m not out though. I’m sitting here wondering if it’s all in my head. The kids adore him, it’s me who is losing it.
      The latest thing was that he threw his phone at a hard surface and it smashed. It was because I was talking to a friend and he couldn’t find a suitable gap in the conversation.

    • #11429
      Memand
      Participant

      Oh, and you hit the nail on the head. I really don’t know whether I’m coming or going. One minute I’m about to ring WA, next I’m brushing it off.

    • #11430
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      No I didn’t mean you were out I meant that you were taking a step towards getting out by coming here for advice so well done 🙂

      that sounds very much like abuse to me. Ask yourself this. Would a man who loves and respects me behave that way? Or ask yourself would I want my daughter to be treated that way or my son to behave like that?

      Your kids might adore him. He might be a great dad but he’s not a great partner to you. You are important. You deserve love and respect not a brat who throws his toys around because he’s not getting his own way.

    • #11431
      Memand
      Participant

      Thank you hopesprings, you’re very good to me.
      I don’t think I’m a picnic to live with either though. I just don’t know if it’s me or him.

    • #11432
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      I’m just being honest. I wish I had known about this forum before my relationship ended I think I may have gotten out sooner.

      I know that feeling too of feeling like “you’re no picnic” one of the many tactics my abuser used was when I would tell him about something that was upsetting me say he had called me an idiot. I would tell him that was a hurtful thing to say and not to say it, he would say you call me names sometimes. He would constantly deflect the blame from him and somehow make it about me. Now I am out of it I can see that was a tactic but at the time I would just end up being sucked into an argument with him. Then he would smugly say something like “see the way you’re behaving”. They try their hardest to have you believing you’re the problem but we are not.

    • #11438
      godschild
      Participant

      memand , have you googled is it abuse and read about the different types. There is a very good book called Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft . very informative on how abusers work.
      Just as hopespings said they use tactics to make us the abuser and them the victim, mine constantly reflects the blame back to me. He also pushes and pushes me until I snap then tells me im the abuser if i shout or call him a name.
      Mine also refers to my behaviour , look at your behaviour he would say after berating me and putting me down and saying the most hurtful mean cruel things he could say.
      Who would be a picnic when treated like they treat us.
      I have brushed it all off for decades, only really realised when I started to read some books on abuse then after a bad few weeks over christmas he got worse and it all became crytsal clear and I can no longer brush it off at all. He is nice then nasty , all through the differant times of day now, he is tryingto haul me back into the cycle that has gone on for years , but its all too clear no and im speaking to a WA supporter once a week by phone an it gets more and more clear.
      They pull you back in and you think its ok but if you can speak to someone at WA they will help you to see clealry, even then im up and down with him even now , ive justbeen unwell and he has drawn me back a little but now im recovering im getting stronger agian.
      Try to read up on it , some things you may not even class as abuse as we get used to living this way and think its part of life until we take a step back and really see from others on her and WA helpers the truth.
      Does he behave like this to other people is also a good clue or does he put on a mr nice guy to others, if so its not angr as he would be like it in other relationships they usually save it all for you.
      Also its very painful and hard to face the truth , it like greaving when you realise the truth and also google trauma bonding which can keep us hooked into them

    • #11441
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      It truly is like a grieving process once you realise. It can be a really hard thing to admit to yourself. It took me a long time. We are all here to help you through this.

    • #11444
      Memand
      Participant

      Thank you so much godschild and Hopesprings, you’re making me cry.
      I just can’t put my finger on it. He can be so loving and selfless, and then fly off the handle over absolutely nothing. Sometimes he just shouts and swears at me over something like me buying the wrong food products. Once I cried and put my hand over my face and he said I was f****d in the head as I was behaving as if he was going to hit me.
      I made the mistake of confiding in him that I’d lived through childhood sexual abuse and he said in a fit of rage I’d made it up as an excuse for lack of sex drive.
      When I try to talk he plays it all down. Then I think maybe this is just marriage. My parents split when I was small and I’m not convinced I know what a marriage should look like. I think I’m losing my mind.

    • #11446
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi memand, most of my ex’s abuse was psychological so I can confirm all the above posts if it helps. He doesn’t want you to see things clearly, he wants you to think you’re losing your mind. It took me so long to work out what was happening and I couldn’t until I’d left. Even when I eventually left I was only at the point of needing to find out one way or the other. Mine said he had checked and he was normal, all men were like him! This isn’t normal whatever he tells you and you don’t deserve it. Neither do your children. If you want to hear a perfect example of emotional abuse try listening to the Archers on radio 4, it might sound rather familiar. The shock of realising this is so hard though, so please gather lots of support around you starting with a call to women’s aid x*x

    • #11449
      godschild
      Participant

      Memand , I think many of us have felt we are losing our mind, that is what they want us to do. They often say we are mentally ill, ive just had that said to me yet again but im stronger now and just wont take it on board, they confuse you so so much you walk away not knowing if you are coming or going, there are books by Patricia Evans about verbal abuse , they are very enlightening, try to read as much as you can, but it is a real shock when you finally see the truth and very hard to cope with.

      They never take responsibility when you try to talk to them they deny it or minimise it. Him shouting and swearing at you is typical abuse.

      Mine can also be loving and caring but it never lasts, have you sem the cycle of abuse wheel, it shows the different phases, they can be so nice to you to keep you locked into the relationship, when that happens you think it could never be bad again but it always gets that way and the abuse gets worse over time.

      Peaceful Pig is that storyline running now I heard about it but thought it was in the past, can you catch up on it

    • #11455
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi godschild, yes it’s still running now. It’s been gradually intensifying psychologically and just starting to get physical now. I probably shouldn’t listen to it really! It’s triggering but also validating. I’m interested to see how they’ll handle her getting out, assuming they do, and how long it take. I’m not sure if you can catch up with the background to hear the build up, maybe check the website xx

    • #11483
      godschild
      Participant

      Thankyou PP I can image its triggering but its good to hear the validation of of it and get it into the public arena, just hope they do it well. Will check the website

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