How have I come to this

[Confused-and-alone]

I’ve just been physically pushed out of my bed in the middle of the night for suggesting that he might of had too much to drink – he’s up and down and turning lights on and rambling about god knows what which sometimes happens when he’s had a skin full and because I said that instead of pandering to his drunken whining he’s pushed me out of my bed. I just lay on the floor for a few minutes he was so angry I really thought he wanted to hurt me and I didn’t dare move and just hoped he’d forget I was there. He’s gone straight back to sleep within minutes I can hear him snoring and I’m lying on the sofa under a toddler duvet crying.

I don’t know why I’m writing this I’m not after advise I know what I should do I guess I just wanted to tell someone and it’s the middle of the night so there is no one.

[Twisted Sister]

I think we’ve all been there. Kicked out of bed, sleeping on the floor\sofa wherever there is somewhere peaceful\safer to be avoidin yet more abuse.

Sending you hugs when the night can feel so lonely. To know you’re not alone despite how you feel right now and no one’s gonna tell you what to do, this is your life and your choices we’re just here to help anyway we can.

Hugs and warmest wishes for some sleep tonight x*x ts

[Grainne]

I’m so sorry. I have been there. Literally kicked, with his foot to my stomach, out of bed after he came home drunk and angry. I have asked myself that same question so many times. How have I come to this. None of it makes any sense. Why does he act that way? Why do I still love him? Why do I stay when I know I should leave. I know what I’m supposed to do and I know what I would tell a friend to do. There is a part of me that doesn’t believe what my life has become. This can’t be real. It doesn’t even seem possible it’s so crazy. Why? Why when we have an otherwise good life? Why when I love him and want him to be happy? I feel alone too.

I think that is the worst part. My husband is my best friend and has been since middle school. But it’s like he is two separate people and when Mr. Hyde comes out, that’s when I need my friend the most, but of course he is nowhere to be found. After Mr. Hyde goes on his physical/verbal tirade, when I am scared and hurt and crying and wondering whether I should just end it all, just put a bullet in my brain and never have to feel this pain again, when I would give anything to be able to hug my best friend and have him hold me close and tell me it will all be okay and I won’t feel like this forever and I am loved and I matter, that’s when he is farthest away – completely unreachable. Mr. Hyde has full control and all I can do is hide and sob and cling to memories of my friend and pray that he comes back to me.

[itwillbeokay]

I can relate so so much to this and these feelings. Nights are scary and lonely. I’m so sorry.

I finally left him this year, with our very young children, as I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m just coming out of the fog a little now. Its not easy but its the right thing to do. They won’t change. There is no respect. I deserve better. I deserve to live somewhere I feel safe and calm and free from verbal and emotional abuse and threatening intimidating behaviour. The amount of times over the years I ended up pleading, begging, apologising to him for his appalling behaviour just to try and make it stop, try and make the silent treatment stop. I AM DONE waiting for it to stop. It won’t.

Huge hugs xx

[Flowerchild]

Oh, darling, this doesn’t get better. People who love each other don’t do things like that, drunk or sober. No excuses. The person who breaks you can’t fix you, too. Time to start planning your exit? Keep us posted and stay safe. Flower x

[Twisted Sister]

Wondering how you are today. No need to reply just wanted you to know thinking of you, and that you’re not alone in this devastating and isolating world of abuse; its so complex and not a case of simply leaving – a word so over-used and yet mis-applied. It’s escaping, extricating, unravelling, breaking point…leaving just doesn’t say it.

I thought he’d broken my back, I know it sounds dramatic, but the pain that ripped through me as I flew out of bed,in shock,horror, and yet there he lay, rolled over and snoring. So shocking and confusing, devastating, and it is always so much easier to see it when it’s someone else and emotions are not so intense.

Hugs and strength to you and all.

Warmest wishes ts

[Confused-and-alone]

Thanks everyone today is all back to normal. He asked me this morning why I wasn’t in bed last night and I told him what had happened – he says he doesn’t remember anything but from what I’ve said he must have been having a nightmare. He’s really really sorry – I doubt if he does remember as he was drunk even for him and honestly I don’t care – he’s not sorry he just wants me to “get over it” which is how he always is. I did try to leave recently but he was so pathetic and sad I stayed as I felt so guilty – he promised he would change and not take me for granted I didn’t believe him and told him as much but for some reason I stayed anyway. I’m still trying to leave but I’m not sure if I even believe myself that I’m going to do it anymore. Thanks again for all the support xx

[Flowerchild]

He’s lying. That question was disingenuous. I think he knows full-well what he did; his question was a test to see whether he had got away with it. He just handed you a bundle of rubbish and you took it to keep the peace. We’ve all done that. So sorry you’re going through this. Normal is not nice with men like these.

[Twisted Sister]

I am very suspicious that he clearly knows you weren’t in bed, that’s not blind drunk, he absolutely knows and gets off on not being challenged over it. It allows him to reassure himself that he so much still holding the power and control.

You build your strengths lovely, the supports will be here for you whenever you need.

I know only too well the questions that are by WA of arrogance that they won’t be challenged I now realise, but kinda wasn’t really aware of at the time.

Warmest wishes ts

[KIP.]

The helpline on here is 24 hours. I’ve phoned them before in the middle of the night. I’ve also phoned the Samaritans (freephone) so please don’t feel you’re alone. I believe he totally knew what he was doing when he kicked you out of bed. Gaslighting and lying come very naturally to abusers. I do hope one day you find the strength to leave and find the good safe happy life you deserve x

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