How long did it take after breaking up

This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #67632
    Profile photo of Bluechicken Bluechicken 
    Participant

    Just curious to what other people’s experience has been after a break up. I left him almost (Detail removed by Moderator) ago and since then we have continued to catch up occasionally and I get this strange hope things will change and we will work it out only to be told he won’t get back with me because I hurt him so much for leaving him so many times. Then I miss him. But then try to reason with him as to why he could have said hurtful things if he really loved me. He says he just had problems and didn’t know how to love me but did love me and the cycle continues. I feel totally crazy for still being so sad and obsessed with this all when I hardly see him. And then I bring it upon myself for just wanting to feel him close again. Finally after he touched me when I told him not to I have not responded to his texts and phone calls. He rocked up at my house and let himself in uninvited and I told him to leave and still messages me like nothing happened. I finally told him to not contact me again. It feels like he is playing a game now. I feel so stupid and confused. Like I have been hot and cold and making problems for myself when I just should have cut him off (though I really did hope he would talk and we would work things out). Now I’m convinced he is n**********c and subtly manipulative but also worry I’m just rationalizing my own crazy behaviour.

    My question is….how long has it taken others? Is this normal?

  • #67636
    Profile photo of Anabela Anabela 
    Participant

    Hey Bluechicken,
    I think the main issue here is that you still have contact with him. And that’s why you can’t move on properly, have feelings for him that just does not go away. No contact is essential for moving on and healing and getting your peace and your life back.

    I broke up with my ex a numerous times before I left for good. Every time I broke up, I still kept communication, or left some channel for him to reach me. Because I loved him. I understood that this relationship is not good for me and is destructive, but I wanted him to change. I was addicted him. Then I saw he is not changing and leave him again. etc. Only when I blocked all the possible channels for him to contact me, I needed him less and less. I stopped hoping for him to change and for us to work things out. And it’s not been a year yet, but I feel I miss him only sometimes. And it does not affect my life too much. I feel I have leftovers of this relationship to deal with, like self esteem problems, oversensitivity etc but I think I managed to let him go just because I have not heard from him or about him for all that time.

  • #67637
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Everyone is different in how long it takes. How long do you grieve if some one dies, a week a month a year, 4 years. There’s no timescale. ๐Ÿ’œ
    Time to do the practical things. Get the locks changed, as someone posted on anither thread, text him to leave you alone, you’re going to a solicitor and if he needs to talk do it that way. After 2x getting in touch its classed as harassment. Don’t enter into any dialogue as its seen as keeping it going and you would jyst be seen as disgruntled ex.
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #67640
    Profile photo of SunshineRainflower SunshineRainflower 
    Participant

    I’ve been full no contact for over a year and I’m still not healed. But I’m better than I was. I don’t miss him because I can see him now very clearly for who he is, but he’s still often in my head intrusively and I think this is PTSD which is slowing down the healing. I’m just waiting for the right therapist to help me move forward. I read it takes 12-24 months to heal from an abusive relationship but everyone will be different.

    You’re not going to be able to truly heal until you go no contact. Continuing any sort of contact only delays the healing process. He’ll continue to lie, manipulate, gaslight and hurt you. Block him, change your number, change the locks if necessary and write up a list of all of the abuse. Then read it every time you miss him.

    Also look up ‘hoovering’ in google as it sounds like that’s what he’s doing. Hoovering you back into his harem of people to inflate his ego which only hurts you and benefits him.

  • #67642
    Profile photo of Bluechicken Bluechicken 
    Participant

    Were you ever the one to contact him to say you missed him? I have. And I feel I’ve been just as bad as him being so hot and cold. I just couldnt imagine how someone who seemed to miss me and love me could hurt me and not try to work it out. He just wanted to get intimate. We dated less time than we have now been broken up so it’s a bit silly. But I was pretty vulnerable to start with. But strong enough to know something was wrong. Now I think he wants to add me to the 50 women he says he has slept with since me! I have now finally said do not contact me again and so far he hasn’t replied. I feel crazy though.

  • #67643
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    Honestly, the fact that it is so hard not to text them and tell them we miss them/explain what they did so they can change/give them a chance to explain their side etc. is one of the reasons that a hard line no contact is best. I ultimately changed my phone and my number after I left and didn’t copy his info over so I couldn’t be tempted to contact him. The other thing I found really useful was every time I felt the urge to text him I would text a friend instead. I had a couple of friends who were absolutel life savers when I first left who were always on the end of the phone if I needed them, but I texted pretty much all my friends more regularly than I normally do, and posted on here and occasionally phoned the Samaritans. It was tough, but at about a year of no contact I now seldom think about him and the abuse has ceased to be something I feel defines me. It’s worth the effort.

  • #67648
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I know his number off by heart. I panic when i forget it but one day i will and i won’t panic either. ive blocked him on one of my fb pages, don’t use the other so don’t worry about seeing his name. He only uses fb to nosey into other peoples lives anyway! He commented on everything i posted, moaning about not wanting to see it on his page, well delete me then you won’t see what i post! I stopped using fb because of this.
    I cant wait fir the day iam free๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

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